From: Kuja
To: rob@daltonator.net
Subject: How Stravo Got his Groove Back
Date: Thu, 11 Sep 2003 12:26:09 -0400



HOW STRAVO GOT HIS GROOVE BACK





PART 1: Attack of the Mages

*fade in on the living room of a New York City apartment, night. All 
lights are turned off, and STRAVO sits at his computer, head resting 
on his hand*

STRAVO (voiceover): I was sitting at my computer the night the madness 
began. It had been so long since I'd put out a Starcrossed chapter for 
everyone to read. In part, this was due to my busy workweek, but it 
was also thanks to a nasty case of writer's block.

*STRAVO suddenly leans forward and begins typing rapidly. After a few 
moments, he stops and reviews the computer screen. Then he sighs and 
deletes the new paragraph*

STRAVO (vo): With the weekend coming up, I knew I could devote a 
little more time to my writing, but that wasn't going to be worth much 
if I couldn't think of anything to write. In addition, the amount of 
distractions provided by the city around me rarely helped.

*STRAVO jerks his head around as we hear the brakes of a car squeal 
outside. The sound ends with a crash. There is a few second of 
silence, followed by incoherent yelling*

STRAVO: *growl* Crazy drunk drivers.

STRAVO (vo): That particular sound heralded the beginning of the most 
bizarre weekend in my life, although I didn't realize it at the time. 
Perhaps if I could have recognized those voices I could have prepared 
for the insanity awaiting me. As it was, I simply returned to writing, 
keeping a curious ear out for police sirens.

*STRAVO turns back to his computer and for a few seconds, all is 
peaceful*

STRAVO (vo): That was when it happened.

*a figure pops into existence in midair and falls to the floor with an 
audible groan. STRAVO spins around in his chair just in time to see a 
second figure materialize and fall on top of the first, eliciting a 
muffled sound of pain. Finally, a traveling bag stuffed to the brim 
appears and lands atop both intruders.*

FIGURE 1: OOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!

FIGURE 2: Shut up.

*both figures climb to their feet and face the rather anxious STRAVO. 
Both of them are Black Mages, one with a knife belted at his waist, 
the other with a sledgehammer strapped to his back*

STRAVO: Who the hell are you, and how did you get in here?

FIGURE 2: It's us, Strav. You don't recognize us?

STRAVO: Uh, no.

*FIGURE 1 steps forward*

FIGURE 1: It's us, Kuja and Cyran.

STRAVO: Kuja and...*realization dawns* How the HELL did you get here?

KUJA: We drove.

STRAVO: Drove?

KUJA: Yeah. My Mustang.

CYRAN: It was cool, too! We kept the windows open and the music up at 
thirty, and around Syracuse we saw a couple hot chicks-

*KUJA smacks CYRAN on the back of the head*

KUJA: All right, that's enough.

CYRAN: Hey, knock it off!

KUJA: Make me.

CYRAN: STAB TIME!

STRAVO: That's enough! Now, tell me how you got in here.

BOTH: Trade secret.

*STRAVO sighs*

CYRAN: We came here cuz we're the hit squad-

*KUJA clamps his hand over CYRAN'S mouth*

KUJA: What he means to say is that we're the guys to help you with 
your writer's block!

STRAVO: Are you serious?

KUJA: *still holding CYRAN'S mouth* Of course. Everybody wants more 
Starcrossed!

CYRAN: Mmmh mmh, mmh.

KUJA: Later, Cyran.

STRAVO: So...just what exactly are you guys supposed to do?

KUJA: Whatever. Help you out. Buy you dinner. Anything.

CYRAN: Mmmh mmh mmmh!

KUJA: I said LATER, Cyran.

*CYRAN begins struggling*

KUJA: Hey! Hold still, damn you!

STRAVO: I don't think he can breathe.

KUJA: Oh, good point.

*KUJA releases CYRAN*

CYRAN: *hoarse* Thanks, Strav.

STRAVO: *sigh* This is going to be a long weekend.

STRAVO (vo): Little did I know how right I was.

PART 2: Breakfast Bites Back

*FADE IN on STRAVO'S bedroom, early morning. He is asleep, only his 
head and left arm visible above the covers. There is a knock at the 
door. STRAVO groans and rolls over. The knocking gets louder, but 
STRAVO does not respond. There is a moment of silence, then a 
sledgehammer crashes through the door and knocks it off its hinges*

KUJA: Morning, Stravo!

*KUJA resheathes his hammer and enters the room, carrying a tray with 
various types of food on it.

KUJA: It's eight o'clock, are you just gonna sleep the whole day away?

STRAVO: Mmm.

KUJA: Come on, I've got breakfast. Cyran and I worked really hard on 
it, too!

STRAVO: G'way.

*STRAVO pulls himself completely under the covers*

KUJA: Hey, wake up already!

*KUJA sets the tray down on STRAVO'S dresser*

KUJA: Hey, I said wake up!

*STRAVO does not respond. KUJA sighs and walks over to the window. 
After opening it, he returns to his previous position at the foot of 
the bed*

KUJA: *raises one arm* HEEEEYAAAAH!

*a lightning bolt comes in through the window and nails STRAVO. 
Instantly, his entire body is jerked into midair, flashing an x-ray of 
his skeleton and twitching spasmodically. After a moment, he falls 
back to the bed, smoking slightly*

STRAVO: Asshole!

KUJA: Now that you're awake, have some breakfast. *he offers STRAVO 
the tray* Pancakes and scrambled eggs.

*STRAVO glares and says nothing*

KUJA: Eat, or it's a fireball next time.

*STRAVO reluctantly picks up a fork and knife and cuts off a bit of 
one pancake. Putting it in his mouth, he chews thoughtfully*

STRAVO: Not bad. What did you put in it?

KUJA: Uh, whatever was on the box, I guess. Cyran actually made the 
pancakes. *KUJA turns to face the doorframe* HEY CYRAN!

*CYRAN walks into the room, stepping over the fallen door. He holds a 
plunger in one hand*

CYRAN: Yeah?

KUJA: What did you put in the pancakes? Stravo likes them.

*STRAVO nods, having nearly finished the first pancake*

STRAVO: Yeah, these are pretty good.

CYRAN: Uh, I didn't put in anything special. I just followed the 
directions. Glad you like, though.

STRAVO: *blinks* What's with the plunger?

CYRAN: Huh? Oh, I just found it in the closet. I used it to mix the 
pancake batter.

*STRAVO makes a gagging sound, then leaps out of bed, knocking the 
breakfast tray over as he does so. He then proceeds to run out of the 
room, one hand clamped over his mouth*

KUJA: Geez, he spilled the eggs everywhere. Was that really necessary?

*CUT TO: the bathroom. STRAVO is leaning over a toilet, his face pale. 
CYRAN enters*

CYRAN: Hey, you OK?

STRAVO: I swear I'm going to get you back for this.

CYRAN: *with cheerful malice* You mean you're going to make me 
breakfast sometime?

*STRAVO groans*

CYRAN: OK, I think you've had enough fun. How about you get showered 
and dressed so you can get to work?

STRAVO: Fun? Why you-

*CYRAN casually rests his hand on his knife*

STRAVO: Uh, right. Work.

*scene freezes*

STRAVO (vo): That breakfast just might've been the most sickening 
thing I ever ate. That wasn't the weirdest or most humiliating part of 
the day, though. That was still awaiting me...

*fade to black*



PART 3: On the Hunt

*fade in on STRAVO'S living room. STRAVO is seated at the computer and 
is staring at the screen. KUJA is seated on the couch. His hammer is 
unsheathed and he is repeatedly tapping the floor with the end of the 
shaft. CYRAN leans against the wall, alternately watching STRAVO and 
looking out the window. STRAVO looks over at KUJA, an annoyed 
expression on his face*

STRAVO: Will you stop that?

KUJA: Stop what?

STRAVO: That tapping. *KUJA resheathes the hammer* Thank you.

CYRAN: Any luck?

STRAVO: *coldly* No more than thirty seconds ago.

CYRAN: *sigh* Can't you go any faster?

STRAVO: No. You can't rush work like this. You have to let it happen 
in its own time.

KUJA: Put in some technobabble. That's what Star Trek writers do when 
they can't think of anything.

STRAVO: And we all love that, don't we?

KUJA: Point.

*STRAVO stands. Instantly, both KUJA and CYRAN pull out ridiculously 
oversized blaster rifles and point them at STRAVO*

CYRAN: Where do you think you're going?

STRAVO: The kitchen. I want a drink.

CYRAN: Oh.

*KUJA and CYRAN replace their rifles as STRAVO walks off*

KUJA: Man, I didn't think it would be this slow.

CYRAN: I hear ya. The guy's writing as slow as a peanut butter river.

*silence*

KUJA: Where the hell do you think up stuff like that?

*CYRAN shrugs. There are a few moments of silence, then a door slams*

BOTH: What the-?!

*KUJA and CYRAN run through the door that STRAVO walked through and 
end up in the hallway outside the apartment*

CYRAN: Shit! He tricked us!

KUJA: Let's go!

*the two Black Mages rush down the stairs just in time to see STRAVO 
dash out the building's front door. By the time they exit the 
building, STRAVO is already halfway down the block*

CYRAN: Come on, let's get him!

KUJA: *assumes heroic pose* Quick! To the Blackmagemobile!

CYRAN: You mean the Mustang?

KUJA: Well, yeah.

*KUJA and CYRAN dash around the corner of the building to a blue-green 
Mustang, the front end of which happens to be buried in a fruit stand. 
They climb in and KUJA hits the gas. Unfortunately, he forgets to put 
the car in reverse and the Mustang lurches forward, crushing the 
remains of the fruit stand*

KUJA: Get your Uzi. While I drive, you wave it around and fire 
sporadically.

CYRAN: Why?

*silence*

KUJA: Why not? Just do it.

CYRAN: Okay.

*cut to: STRAVO running down the street, avoiding various pedestrians 
as he does so. After a few moments, he makes his way to a phone booth 
and dials a number*

STRAVO: Come on, pick up. *pause* Pick up, damn you!

*there is a click on the phone line*

DALTON: Hello?

STRAVO: Rob, is that you? Listen, I need your help!

DALTON: What's up?

STRAVO: Kuja and Cyran showed up in my apartment with a bunch of 
weapons and now they're chasing me around Manhattan!

*a pause*

DALTON: So what do you want me to do about it?

STRAVO: Anything!

DALTON: Well, I'm kind of busy-

*the Mustang bursts out from around a corner roughly three blocks 
away. CYRAN leans out the window, screaming incoherently and firing 
his Uzi into the air. The crowd does not appear concerned*

STRAVO: Shit, here they come! You gotta help me before these two 
psychos kill someone! Like me!

*the Mustang gets closer. CYRAN spots STRAVO and yells even louder. 
KUJA hits the gas and the car accelerates*

CYRAN: Hey, not so fast! We're not supposed to kill the guy!

KUJA: YEEEEEEEEEEEHA!

*CYRAN groans*

STRAVO: Rob, I'm serious, I'll meet you at the café, bring lots of 
heavy weapons! I gotta go now!

DALTON: Hey, wait just a damn min-

*STRAVO drops the phone and dives out of the phone booth just as the 
Mustang slams into it, shattering the glass and obliterating the booth 
completely. The crowd still does not react*

STRAVO: Close one.

*STRAVO ducks into an alley as the Mustang begins to swing around*

KUJA: You can run, but you can't hide!

*cut to: DALTON'S home. DALTON hangs up the phone and turns to the 
nearest closet. Opening the door reveals a massive arsenal of sci-fi 
weaponry, which DALTON somehow manages to cram into his jacket*

DALTON: Let's rumble.

*fade out*



PART 4: Good Food, Yes!

*fade in: STRAVO running down another street. KUJA'S Mustang is about 
forty feet behind and gaining. CYRAN is still leaning out the window, 
firing randomly*

KUJA: Cyran!

CYRAN: Yo!

KUJA: Get ready to tackle him!

CYRAN: All right!

*Cyran drops the Uzi onto his seat and braces himself for a jump. 
STRAVO is looking valiantly for a place to run, but sees nowhere to 
go. As the Mustang draws even with him, CYRAN launches himself out the 
window with a bloodcurdling scream. STRAVO sees him coming and throws 
himself to the ground. CYRAN'S scream changes to one of terror as he 
flies over STRAVO and slams into the window of a store*

KUJA: Ouch. That didn't look pleasant.

*STRAVO hauls himself to his feet and watches as CYRAN slowly slides 
to the ground*

STRAVO: Are you OK?

CYRAN: *strained* Why'd it have to be a health food store? Why 
couldn't I slam into the front of a porno shop or a gun store?

*there is a squeal of brakes as KUJA brings the Mustang to a stop, 
then turns around and drives back to where STRAVO and CYRAN are. As he 
reaches them, KUJA dives out the door, leaving the Mustang to use a 
brick wall to stop. Curiously enough, the car bounces back from the 
wall unharmed, as though it were made of rubber. KUJA pulls out his 
blaster rifle*

KUJA: Got you now!

*STRAVO squawks and dives to the side as KUJA fires a massive blast of 
energy at him. The bolt misses STRAVO by inches and goes through the 
window of the health food store, which promptly erupts into flames*

KUJA: Ah, slippery little devil, aren't you?

STRAVO: Rob, where the hell are you?

*cut to: DALTON in his car, surrounded by rush hour traffic. He is 
leaning on one hand and drumming his fingers on the wheel, waiting for 
the car in front of him to move*

DRIVER: Speed up, asshole!

DALTON: I can't, jackass! Go stick your head in a bucket of bleach!

DRIVER: Fuck off!

DALTON: Same to you!

*cut to the scene we just left. KUJA has his rifle trained on STRAVO, 
and CYRAN is slowly climbing to his feet. The health food store is 
ablaze. Passerby find it interesting enough to glance over at least 
once before continuing with their daily schedules*

KUJA: Now, are you gonna be a good boy and come with us? Or do I have 
to get rough?

STRAVO: How about you just leave me alone and go back home?

KUJA: No fun in that.

CYRAN: I bent my Wookiee.

*KUJA glances over at CYRAN. STRAVO takes advantage, leaping forward 
and planting a fist in KUJA'S face before taking off once again*

KUJA: THAT'S IT! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!

*KUJA pulls out his sledgehammer and dashes off after STRAVO. CYRAN 
hobbles after both of them. After some time, STRAVO arrives at a small 
café*

STRAVO: OK, I'm here...now where's Rob?

*cut to: Dalton in his car. He is in a different part of Manhattan 
now, but is still surrounded by traffic*

DALTON: Why did I agree to this? I'm supposed to meet Stravo at the 
café? What café? There's dozens of them! And I've never even seen 
where the guy lives, how am I supposed to find him?

*DALTON hits several buttons on the radio, but nothing happens*

DALTON: *sigh* And now the radio's stuck on one station. What could be 
worse?

RADIO: Barney is a di-no-saur from our im-ag-in-a-tion!

DALTON: NOOOOOOOOO!

*cut to: the café. KUJA has caught up with STRAVO and is about to hit 
him with the sledgehammer*

KUJA: SMASH TIME!

STRAVO: Wait a minute!

*KUJA pauses*

STRAVO: Remember how I said I was going to get a drink? This is where 
I'm buying it.

*CYRAN has finally caught up and is walking semi-normally again*

CYRAN: I thought you said you were going to the kitchen.

*STRAVO gestures to the name of the café: The Kitchen*

KUJA: Oh, OK.

*KUJA and CYRAN follow STRAVO into the café*

KUJA: Hey, as long as we're here, we should get you some brain food, 
Strav.

*fade out, followed by a fade in on the café several hours later. All 
three are seated at a table covered by empty plates and glasses*

WAITRESS: So, which one of you gentlemen is paying for this?

ALL THREE: Him!

*KUJA points at CYRAN, CYRAN points at STRAVO, and STRAVO points at 
KUJA*

WAITRESS: *laughs* Cute, guys. Now, who's paying?

CYRAN: Uh...we already paid.

WAITRESS: No you didn't.

CYRAN: Yes we did.

WAITRESS: No, you didn't!

STRAVO: *makes hypnotic passes* This meal is on the house.

WAITRESS: *getting mad* Listen, you guys nearly cleared out the 
storage bins! You ate more than our average dinner hour does! One of 
you is gonna pay!

*KUJA roughly sets his sledgehammer down on the table, hard enough to 
make the dishes and glasses rattle and causing the WAITRESS to jump, 
surprised*

KUJA: My trusty sledgehammer says we don't need to.

WAITRESS: Your trusty sledgehammer is an idiot.

CYRAN: LET HER LIVE, KUJA, LET HER LIVE!

*a MANAGER walks up to the table*

MANAGER: Is there a problem?

WAITRESS: Yeah, these guys won't-

KUJA: -give her a tip.

*the WAITRESS glares at KUJA for this interruption*

MANAGER: *angry* You're making all this fuss over not getting a tip?

WAITRESS: No! I-

MANAGER: Oh, get back to work!

*the WAITRESS slumps and leaves*

MANAGER: I'm very sorry about that, gentlemen. Consider your meal a 
gift from our establishment.

KUJA: That's very gracious of you. We accept.

*the three leave*

CYRAN: Close one.

KUJA: *feels around his pockets* Well, how about that, I had a twenty-
dollar bill the whole time!

STRAVO: *sigh* Well, I'm glad that worked out. *under his breath* But 
what happened to Rob?

*cut to: DALTON still in his car, in yet another part of Manhattan*

DALTON: I am so lost.

*fade out*PART 5: Bribery Works

*fade in on STRAVO'S apartment building, with KUJA'S Mustang parked 
outside. A voice is heard offscreen*

VOICE: My fruit stand!

*cut to: STRAVO'S living room. STRAVO is again seated at the computer. 
KUJA sits on the couch, watching CYRAN dig through their traveling 
bag*

KUJA: Find it yet?

*CYRAN sticks his entire head and both arms into the bag. STRAVO 
watches out of the corner of his eye*

CYRAN: Nope. I know it's in here somewhere.

*CYRAN pulls out a full-size refrigerator, a picnic table, and a 
stepladder*

STRAVO: How the hell did you fit all that in a gym bag?

CYRAN: Practice.

STRAVO: No wonder you screamed when it fell on you.

CYRAN: *growls* Don't remind me.

KUJA: Keep looking. It's gotta be in there.

*CYRAN continues searching through the bag while KUJA goes over to the 
fridge he pulled out and takes out a can of Dr. Pepper. He finishes it 
in one gulp, the crushes the can and tosses it out the window*

VOICE: Ow!

KUJA: Whoops.

*KUJA sits back down on the couch. STRAVO stands and stretches, then 
walks over to watch CYRAN*

STRAVO: So, what are you looking for?

CYRAN: *continues rummaging* Something we brought in case you finished 
the chapter early. Hey, here it is!

*CYRAN stands up. In his hand is a piece of purple paper*

STRAVO: So, what is that thing?

KUJA: Reservation tickets for four at King Steve's Kickass Restaurant.

STRAVO: Never heard of it.

KUJA: Didn't think you would. It's mostly a hangout for, um, special 
people.

STRAVO: Special like how?

KUJA: Well, mostly traveling Mages, Fighters, and such. MiB agents 
hang out there once in a while. That kind of thing.

STRAVO: Oh. Is that where we're going for dinner?

KUJA: Yes. On one condition. *STRAVO raises an eyebrow* You've gotta 
finish the chapter first.

STRAVO: *slumps* You jerk. *he blinks* Wait a minute, you said four 
reservations, right?

KUJA: You catch on quick. I was thinking that if you finish in time, I 
could call one of my lady friends to accompany you-

*STRAVO grabs KUJA*

STRAVO: Are you serious?! *KUJA nods* All RIGHT!

*STRAVO dashes over to the computer and begins typing so quickly his 
hands are nothing more than blurs. After seven seconds, he steps away 
from the sparking, smoking keyboard and proudly points to the monitor, 
which is now full of text.*

STRAVO: Done!

CYRAN: Holy shit.

KUJA: Damn, that was quick. OK, go get ready and I'll make my phone 
call.

*STRAVO nods and heads off to the bedroom. KUJA reaches into his robes 
and retrieves a cell phone*

CYRAN: So, who are you calling?

KUJA: *dialing* Well, there's only one member of the female persuasion 
I know who can come on such short notice.

CYRAN: You don't mean... *KUJA nods* But she'll kill you! Remember 
what you did to her wall?

KUJA: Shut up. *a moment of silence* Hey, it's me...yeah, it's Kuja, 
don't hang up. *CYRAN groans* I need your help with something...hey, 
stop laughing, I'm serious!...Anyway, me and Cyran are in New York 
forcing- *CYRAN kicks KUJA in the shin* -er, encouraging Stravo to 
write more Starcrossed. Anyway, we promised him dinner and a date 
tonight...yeah, that's why...no, Cyran and I have a separate 
table...no, we won't bother you...yes, I promise to remeian 
sober...you will? Great! I love you I love you I love you! So, how's 
the wall coming? *KUJA winces* I see.

CYRAN: Does she know where Stravo lives? She can meet us here.

KUJA: Good idea, do you know where Strav lives?...yeah, the big 
apartement building...well, there was a fruit stand outside, but 
someone destroyed it...I have no idea who...OK, that's it. I'll see 
you later. Bye! *KUJA hangs up*

CYRAN: She's gonna kill you, you know.

KUJA: Nah, she loves me.

CYRAN: You want that on your headstone?

KUJA: *winces* OK, so she's still a little sore about the wall, but 
come on! She's a nice person.

CYRAN: What did you do to her wall anyway?

KUJA: Well, there was a party, I got a little drunk, saw a bug, and I 
kind of tried to kill it, and...*he trails off*

CYRAN: Hadoken?

KUJA: Hadoken.

CYRAN: Smooth move, train wreck.

KUJA: Enough of the one-liners. Let's go get ready.

*fade out*

PART 6: Poor Kuja

*fade in: STRAVO'S apartment, several hours later. CYRAN sits on the 
couch, flipping through TV channels. KUJA paces back and forth, 
muttering to himself. Running water is heard in the background*

CYRAN: Look, the worst that can happen is that she kills you.

*KUJA turns to glare at him*

KUJA: The next time you get one of your bright ideas, keep it to 
yourself.

*CYRAN shrugs and goes back to watching TV. KUJA resumes pacing. 
Several minutes pass before the doorbell rings. CYRAN leaps from his 
spot on the couch and hides behind the arm*

CYRAN: Answer it. I'll back you up.

KUJA: I hate you.

*KUJA slowly creeps over to the door, looks through the peephole, and 
turns the handle. He shuts his eyes, takes a deep breath, and yanks 
open the door*

KUJA: I SURRENDER IT WAS ONLY AN ACCIDENT I DIDN'T MEAN IT PLEASE 
DON'T KILL ME!

*ZAIA enters, rolling her eyes*

ZAIA: Well, aren't you the brave one?

*CYRAN pops out from his hiding spot*

CYRAN: Hi, Z! I didn't blow up your wall, so will you be nice to me?

*KUJA makes a strangled noise and falls to the floor*

ZAIA: Hey baby, long time no see! *she hugs him* Of course I'll be 
nice to you. I'm always nice.

*KUJA coughs*

ZAIA: Oh yes, you. That reminds me, there's one thing I want to clear 
up.

CYRAN: Uh oh.

*CYRAN ducks back behind the couch as ZAIA sprouts metal claws a la 
Lady Deathstrike. She then turns to face KUJA*

KUJA: Mommy.

*ZAIA launches herself at KUJA and both disappear in a massive, 
whirling cloud of smoke. Screams are heard, as well as catlike yowls. 
When the smoke finally clears, ZAIA is standing with her back to KUJA, 
who promptly falls to the ground. ZAIA retracts her claws and brushes 
some dust off her shoulders*

ZAIA: Well, that should just about cover the wall.

*CYRAN dashes over to KUJA*

CYRAN: Are you OK?

KUJA: *strained* Oh, the pain. Oh the incredible, indescribable, 
unbearable...pain!

ZAIA: So, where's Strav?

STRAVO: Coming!

*STRAVO walks in from the bedroom*

STRAVO: Hey, Zaia.

ZAIA: Hey! How've you been?

KUJA: ...bleeding to death...

STRAVO: Pretty good. I finally got my chapter finished.

ZAIA: Even with these two bugging you?

CYRAN: *jumping up* Hey, he wouldn't have finished it if it weren't 
for us!

KUJA: ...can't feel legs...

STRAVO: Well, they haven't been too much trouble, actually.

ZAIA: Oh, is that right?

CYRAN: Yeah, we bought him lunch! Well, kind of.

KUJA: ...eyesight fading...

ZAIA: Kind of?

STRAVO: Let's not dwell on the particulars.

CYRAN: Anyway, what's our plan for this evening?

KUJA: ...right lung collapsing...

STRAVO: I think we can walk. I checked the address and it's actually 
not too far.

ZAIA: Sounds good to me.

CYRAN: Cool. Kuja and I can tail you and watch out for troublemakers. 
Right, Kuja?

KUJA: ...so cold...so very cold...

ZAIA: Watch out for troublemakers? You and Kuja cause enough trouble 
all by yourselves!

STRAVO: She has a point.

CYRAN: Yeah, but at least we're the lovable troublemakers! Right, 
Kuja?

KUJA: ...I feel like I'm flying...

ZAIA: Well, I guess you have a point.

STRAVO: And if we walk, we might find out what happened to Rob.

ZAIA AND CYRAN: What?

KUJA: ...I see a white light...

STRAVO: Uh, I called Rob earlier, but he got lost. Maybe we'll spot 
him.

CYRAN: Oh, sure thing.

ZAIA: OK, let's go!

KUJA: ...no, make it flames. I see flames...

*fade out*



PART 7: Mistaken Identity

*fade in on the street outside STRAVO'S apartment building. STRAVO and 
ZAIA are walking down the sidewalk, with KUJA and CYRAN slightly 
behind them*

KUJA: So, how long do you think this'll take?

STRAVO: Not too long. *he blinks* Wait a minute. Weren't you bleeding 
to death a few minutes ago? How the hell did you recover?

KUJA: Because I am *dramatic pause* A BLACK MAGE! *thunder crashes*

STRAVO: Riiiiiiiight.

*the group continues walking for several minutes*

CYRAN: Hey, check it out! A hot dog stand!

KUJA: Let's buy some!

ZAIA: What are you talking about? We're walking to a restaurant for 
dinner and you want to stop and buy a hot dog?

BOTH: Yeah!

ZAIA: *sigh* Well, I suppose I can't argue with that.

STRAVO: We'll wait.

*KUJA and CYRAN dash over to the hot dog stand, where a man wearing a 
white robe and turban is cooking hot dogs*

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Hello! Can I help you infid- er, gentlemen?

CYRAN: Two hot dogs, please!

OSAMA: Of course!

*OSAMA turns to make the hot dogs. KUJA frowns and rubs his chin*

KUJA: You look familiar. Have we met before?

OSAMA: I do not believe so. You are not one who is familiar to me. I 
have only just recently arrived in this place here.

KUJA: Wait...aren't you that Bin Laden guy?

OSAMA: Um, no, of course not!

CYRAN: Then why do you have an AK-47 strapped to your back?

*OSAMA quickly whips the gun off and hides it under the stand*

OSAMA: It is not an AK-47, it is...an...it is a hot dog warmer!

CYRAN: Oh. My mistake.

OSAMA: It is no problem. *under his breath* You foolish American 
infidel.

*OSAMA finishes making the hot dogs and hands them to CYRAN*

OSAMA: Here you are! Enjoy!

CYRAN: Thanks!

KUJA: Wait a minute! I do know who you are!

*OSAMA reaches for his gun*

KUJA: You're Baghdad Bob! Hey, everyone! It's Baghdad Bob!

*a mob carrying torches and pitchforks appears out of nowhere, 
surrounds OSAMA, and drags him off*

OSAMA: NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

KUJA: And to think, Baghdad Bob made us hot dogs.

CYRAN: Sweetness.

*they walk back over to STRAVO and ZAIA*

KUJA: Ha ha! You just missed your brush with celebrity!

ZAIA: What are you talking about?

CYRAN: We just met Baghdad Bob! He made us hot dogs!

*STRAVO and ZAIA exchange a glance*

STRAVO: Right, whatever you say.

DALTON: Hey, Stravo!

*everyone turns to see ROB running up the street towards them, a big 
smile on his face*

DALTON: I found you, I found you, I finally found you!

*DALTON reaches STRAVO and lifts him off the ground in a bear hug. 
STRAVO'S bones begin to groan under ROB'S hug*

STRAVO: *strained* Um, nice to see you too, Rob.

DALTON: There I was driving all around Manhattan, with kiddie songs 
playing on my radio, thinking I would never find you, when all of a 
sudden I look out my window and see the four of you on the sidewalk!

STRAVO: Uh, Rob...

DALTON: I can't believe my luck! Who would've guessed I'd look out 
just in time to see you?

STRAVO: That's great, Rob. Now can you please set me down?

*DALTON releases STRAVO and steps back*

DALTON: So, where's Kuja and Cyran?

*KUJA and CYRAN step in. CYRAN is still eating his hot dog*

KUJA: Yo.

DALTON: OK then!

*DALTON reaches into his jacket and whips out his ridiculously massive 
arsenal of various blaster rifles, missile launchers, and other 
weapons. KUJA and CYRAN scream and turn to run, but accidentally slam 
into each other*

ZAIA: Rob, no!

*ZAIA grabs DALTON'S arm just as he somehow manages to pull every 
trigger at once. A massive salvo of beams, bullets, and missiles flies 
high into the air and detonates in a pretty light show high above New 
York. DALTON replaces his now-empty guns and turns to ZAIA*

DALTON: Why'd you stop me?

ZAIA: Well...

*KUJA and CYRAN scramble to their feet*

KUJA: What are you, nuts?!

STRAVO: Uh, I kind of hold responsibility for this. When you were 
chasing me around, I called Dalton and asked him to help me out. *he 
turns to DALTON* Sorry Rob, but I don't really need your help now. 
We've reached an agreement.

DALTON: *blinks* You mean...I came all the way out here, wandered 
around in traffic for hour after hour, listening to music that would 
make Darth Vader writhe in agony...for nothing?!

STRAVO: Yeah.

*DALTON begins shaking with rage*

DALTON: Now I'm beginning to get really angry...

*DALTON growls as his muscles bulge, veins stand out on his neck, and 
he begins to get taller. His voice deepens as he continues to grow, 
and his skin begins to turn green*

STRAVO: Uh oh.

ZAIA: Uh, Strav? What the hell's going on?

*STRAVO grabs ZAIA by the arm*

STRAVO: Don't ask stupid questions, just run!

*the two of them dart off as DALTON'S shirt and jacket are torn to 
shreds by his expanding frame. KUJA and CYRAN crane their heads back 
and begin frantically backing away*

CYRAN: Come on Rob, we didn't mean any harm!

KUJA: Y-yeah! This is all a misunderstanding!

*DALTON, now nine feet tall, green-skinned, full of muscle, and 
shaking in anger, has finished transforming into ROB SMASH*

SMASH: Rob smash you!

KUJA: This is bad.

*scene freezes. Fade out*



PART 8: Rob Smash Rumble, Pt 1

*fade in on ROB SMASH facing KUJA and CYRAN, both of whom have their 
weapons drawn*

CYRAN: Why us? How do we always get into these situations?

KUJA: Guess someone upstairs loves us.

SMASH: ROB SMASH!

*SMASH dives forward. KUJA and CYRAN dive out of the way as he crushes 
the blacktop where they were standing. Both black mages begin dodging 
back and forth as SMASH attempts to crush them. Camera pans to where 
ZAIA and STRAVO stand at the front of a large crowd watching*

STRAVO: I bet you twenty bucks that Rob beats the living crap out of 
'em!

*ZAIA considers the bet*

ZAIA: OK, you're on!

CYRAN: HEEEEEEEEEYYYYYAAAAAAHHHH!

*CYRAN brings his knife down on ROB'S foot. ROB bellows*

SMASH: Ow! You stab Rob! Make Rob's foot hurt! NOW ROB HURT YOU!

CYRAN: Oh shit.

*SMASH grabs CYRAN in one hand, winds up, and throws him like a 
baseball*

CYRAN: HAAAAAAAAAAALP!

*CYRAN slams into the side of a building. KUJA dashes up and kneels 
next to him*

KUJA: Cyran! Are you OK?

CYRAN: *strained* I've just been thrown into a brick wall by a giant 
green moderator. What do you think?

KUJA: Hang in there.

*KUJA hauls CYRAN to his feet, and the two face SMASH*

KUJA: All right, let's get him!

*Both assume power-up stances. An aura of electricity surrounds CYRAN, 
while flames appear to engulf KUJA*

CYRAN: Bolt-2!

KUJA: Fire-3!

*A massive cyclone of fire and lightning engulfs ROB SMASH, who 
disappears with a bellow. KUJA and CYRAN catch their breaths*

CYRAN: Well, at least that's over.

*SMASH reappears, charging forward*

SMASH: ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!

*CYRAN jumps out of the way, but KUJA isn't quick enough. SMASH lowers 
his head and crushes him against the wall. The second he pulls back, 
KUJA flops to the ground*

CYRAN: Kuja! I've got an idea! Keep him busy for a minute!

KUJA: Yeah. No problem.

*CYRAN pulls out his traveling bag and begins digging through it. 
SMASH begins chasing KUJA around the street. KUJA attempts to hit him 
with the sledgehammer, but SMASH grabs the head in mid-swing*

SMASH: *evil laugh*

KUJA: Oh no.

*SMASH uses the hammer to fling KUJA high up in the air, then lets him 
drop to the concrete. As if that weren't bad enough, he then stomps on 
KUJA*

STRAVO: Yeah! Get him, Rob!

ZAIA: Hang in there, Kuja!

*KUJA manages to scurry away from SMASH and reaches into his robe*

KUJA: It's my turn!

*KUJA pulls out a large bomb from his robes and lights the fuse, then 
hauls off and throws it*

KUJA: Take this!

*the bomb bounces towards ROB'S feet, then continues rolling down the 
street*

KUJA: Dammit, I knew I should've cut the fuse.

*the bomb continues rolling down the street. Up ahead, RON JEREMY 
comes around the corner, talking on a cell phone*

JEREMY: No, look, tell him I won't do it for less than&well, fine! He 
can get somebody else!

*JEREMY hangs up as KUJA'S bomb rolls to a stop at his feet*

JEREMY: What the fu-

*KUJA'S bomb explodes, destroying everything within a nine-meter 
radius. Back at the fight, KUJA once again draws his sledgehammer. 
SMASH bashes his fists together*

SMASH: Now Rob smash Kuja!

KUJA: Bring it on!

*scene freezes. Fade out*  PART 9: Rob Smash Rumble, Pt 2

*fade in on the street. KUJA and SMASH face each other. CYRAN is 
digging through his bag. STRAVO and ZAIA are off to one side, 
watching. SMASH steps forward*

SMASH: ROB SMASH!

KUJA: I'll show you!

*they leap at each other. SMASH throws a punch, while KUJA swings his 
sledgehammer. The hammer hits SMASH'S hand. SMASH yelps and grabs his 
knuckles while KUJA drops his hammer and begins blowing on his 
fingers*

KUJA: Yeowch! Cyran, what's the story?

*CYRAN is reading from a manual. Various spare parts are scattered 
around him*

CYRAN: To loosen lock nut...

*SMASH begins to stomp towards KUJA. KUJA turns to run, but trips and 
falls on his face. SMASH grabs KUJA by the ankles and begins slamming 
him into the pavement over and over*

KUJA: Oh-god-the-pain-hurry-up-Cy-ran!

*CYRAN is in the process of assembling a massive tripod-mounted 
cannon*

CYRAN: Almost there. Just keep him busy!

*KUJA somehow gets free and begins leading SMASH around in circles*

KUJA: Oh, sure! No problem! I can handle this guy!

SMASH: Stand still and let Rob smash you!

KUJA: Not a snowball's chance in hell!

*CYRAN finishes assembling the cannon and stuffs a feeder tube into 
the bag*

CYRAN: OK! Lead him this way!

*KUJA runs straight towards CYRAN, SMASH following. CYRAN aims 
carefully and pulls the trigger. A white object is launched from the 
cannon, zips over KUJA'S head, and flies right into SMASH'S mouth. 
SMASH stops running, chews thoughtfully, then smiles*

SMASH: Sugar-coated.

*KUJA skids to a stop next to CYRAN*

KUJA: Open fire!

CYRAN: Yee-ha!

*CYRAN presses down the trigger and the donut cannon begins firing a 
rapid stream of various donut types. SMASH begins chomping them in 
midair, each donut pushing him back a step. SMASH is forced farther 
and farther back, growing smaller with each step. Slowly, he is 
transformed back into DALTON. CYRAN ceases fire and admires his 
handiwork. DALTON smiles contentedly and pats his stomach*

DALTON: Mmmmm, donuts.

KUJA: Happy?

DALTON: Quite.

CYRAN: Woohoo! We beat Rob Smash! Nothing can stop the Black Mages!

*CYRAN and KUJA do the BM dance while DALTON grabs another set of 
clothes and puts them on*

ZAIA: Looks like I win. Twenty bucks, please!

STRAVO: Dammit. I really thought Rob would win.

KUJA: Zaia, you rule!

*KUJA rushes towards ZAIA, his arms out for a hug. ZAIA brings her arm 
up, then decks KUJA and knocks him flat just as he reaches her*

KUJA: Oooooowwwwwwww...

ZAIA: Don't take it personally. I just happened to be betting on you, 
that's all.

KUJA: What happened to the sweet redhead I thought I knew?

ZAIA: You blew up the side of her house.

*KUJA groans*

CYRAN: Can I have a hug?

ZAIA: Sure!

*KUJA makes a noise of exasperation as he climbs to his feet. He looks 
at STRAVO, who shrugs and looks away. KUJA beings trembling with rage*

KUJA: *growls* Cyran, you have just earned my lifelong hatred. 
Someday, when you least expect it-

*ZAIA releases CYRAN and he walks over to KUJA*

CYRAN: Zaia's nice, isn't she?

KUJA: Yeah. Sure. *under his breath* I will kill you, and then I will 
eat you&with some chicken from KFC!

*DALTON suddenly comes up behind KUJA and crushes him in a bear hug*

DALTON: Thanks for the donuts!

KUJA: ACK! ROB, I CAN'T BREATHE! YOU'RE CRUSHING MY RIBS!

*DALTON releases KUJA, who falls to the ground. STRAVO checks his 
watch*

STRAVO: Come on, you guys, or we'll end up being late.

DALTON: Catch ya later!

ZAIA, STRAVO, AND CYRAN: Bye!

ZAIA: Kuja, say goodbye!

*KUJA remains silent. ZAIA glares at him and makes a clawing gesture*

KUJA: *growls* Bye.

*fade out*

INTERLUDE: Continuity? What's That?

*fade in*

STRAVO: Hey, what the hell?

ZAIA: Where'd everything go!

DALTON: Hey, where's my car?

CYRAN: Yaaa! What happened to New York?

KUJA: Holy shit, what is this?

STRAVO: Does anyone know what's going on?

DALTON: Don't look at me!

CYRAN: Where are we?

KUJA: Looks like a big black void to me.

ZAIA: Don't be a smartass, this is serious.

KUJA: *growl*

STRAVO: All right, how did we end up here? More importantly, how do we 
get back?

KUJA: We can't.

ALL OTHERS: WHAT?

KUJA: Or at least, we can't do anything personally to get back.

KELLY ANTILLES: Hey, what's going on?

ZAIA: Kelly, is that you?

KELLY: Yeah, it's me. Where the hell are we?

DALTON: That's what we've been trying to figure out.

KELLY: Any luck?

CYRAN: Nope. We've just been yelling at each other.

KELLY: Typical.

STRAVO: Cyran, why don't you shut your mouth and let me think?

CYRAN: Oh, I wouldn't want to interrupt THAT, would I?

STRAVO: Come a little closer and say that.

CYRAN: Yeah right! What do you think I am, stupid?

STRAVO: Yeah!

CYRAN: Asshole!

DALTON: Will you two cut it out?

BOTH: NO!

ZAIA: Look, can we just calm down a bit and figure out where we are?

KUJA: I already told you.

ZAIA: No you didn't.

KUJA: Yes I did.

KELLY: Then repeat it.

KUJA: Fine. *a beat* We are in a place I like to call Limbo. Whenever 
I, that is, the real me, stop writing, all my characters and thoughts 
go into Limbo. They stay there until I start the story back up, at 
which point they all return to their normal universes.

STRAVO: So that's why we're here? You're not working on the story?

KUJA: Basically.

CYRAN: Lazy bastard.

DALTON: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

KUJA: No it's not.

DALTON: Yes it is. Limbo? A place for characters not being written or 
some gibberish? That's crazy.

KUJA: No it's not. You do it too.

DALTON: I do?

KUJA: Yep. Everyone does. Most characters don't remember it because 
when they return to their normal universes, it's like it never 
happened at all.

ZAIA: Wait a minute. If we're all characters from the story, then 
what's Kelly doing here?

KELLY: Yeah, what am I doing here?

KUJA: How should I know? I'm not me. Well, I am, but not in that 
sense.

*silence*

CYRAN: I hate you, KUJA.

KUJA: You can't hate me!

CYRAN: Why?

KUJA: Because I hate you! I'm the one holding the grudge here, 
remember?

CYRAN: Oh yeah.

KELLY: Why on Earth are you holding a grudge?

CYRAN: Because Zaia hugs me and not Kuja.

KUJA: *growl*

KELLY: *coldly* Oh. I see.

KUJA: It's only because you're not there, Kelly! If you were there, I 
wouldn't be worried about Zaia?

ZAIA: *coldly* Oh really?

KUJA: No! I mean, I like you too, Zaia, a lot, and-

KELLY: Oh, a lot, huh?

KUJA: No!

ZAIA: You don't?

KUJA: ACK! I can't flirt with two women at once!

DALTON: *to STRAVO* should we step in?

STRAVO: Nah, it's more fun to stand by and watch him flounder.

DALTON: Good point.

CYRAN: Ha! Now both of them hate you!

KUJA: Shut your trap!

CYRAN: Wanna make me, metalhead?

*KUJA begins trembling with rage*

KELLY: *to ZAIA* Hug him, will you? It'll be hell for all of us if you 
don't!

ZAIA: Oh, fine.

*ZAIA hugs KUJA*

KUJA: Yay!

CYRAN: Now that we're all happy again, *pulls a guitar out of his 
traveling bag* who's up for a round of Kum-by-a?

*group piles on CYRAN, and a cloud of smoke eclipses the severe 
beating he receives. When the smoke clears, his clothes are torn and 
rumpled and his guitar has been broken over his head*

CYRAN: *dreamily* Lookit the purty stars&

KELLY: Hey Kuja, if you're not working on the story, shouldn't you 
make a public service announcement or something? People are waiting, 
after all.

KUJA: Right. *clears throat* I'm sorry, everyone, but due to the 
presence of a skewered llama in my neighbor's backyard, I have been 
unable to work on this story.

*silence*

ZAIA: A skewered llama?

KUJA: Hey, it's as good a reason as any.

*more silence*

STRAVO: You are one royally fucked-up person, you know that?

KUJA: That's what the doctors say. Only they use a lot more syllables.

*fade out*



Part 10: Adventures in Womanizing

*fade in on STRAVO, ZAIA, KUJA, and CYRAN walking down the street, 
late afternoon*

KUJA: Are we there yet?

STRAVO: If we were, we wouldn't be walking, would we?

*KUJA sighs*

CYRAN: I'm hungry.

ZAIA: You scarfed down that hot dog less than ten minutes ago! How 
could you still be hungry?

KUJA: Hey, cut us a little slack. You didn't have to wage war against 
the angry green giant. That's enough to make anyone hungry.

*the group continues in silence for a few minutes. KUJA spies several 
females walking in the opposite direction*

KUJA: 'Scuse me.

*KUJA dashes off towards the group of women*

STRAVO: What's he-

CYRAN: Quiet. You gotta check this out.

*KUJA begins speaking to the group of women. One of them smiles and 
says something to the others, who also smile. KUJA takes out a little 
black book and begins scribbling something down*

STRAVO: Wow. That's pretty good.

*KUJA leaves the group of women and walks back to the others, still 
scribbling in his little black book*

KUJA: Hehe. Not bad. Jenna, Moana, Alisha, and Lola. I gotta remember 
this for my next trip here.

CYRAN: How do you do that?!

KUJA: Huh? Do what?

CYRAN: Everywhere we go, you're always finding these women&

KUJA: Yeah?

CYRAN: And I'm always by myself-

*KUJA bursts out laughing*

CYRAN: Oh, thanks a lot!

KUJA: Sorry, sorry. Just an automatic reaction. So, what you're saying 
is you wanna learn from the master?

CYRAN: Well, one little lesson can't hurt&

ZAIA: Don't do it, Cyran.

KUJA: *ignoring her* Well, let's find you a target. There, see that 
brunette there? Go up to her and say- *KUJA whispers in CYRAN'S ear*

CYRAN: Are you sure?

KUJA: Absolutely. Go for it.

*camera remains on KUJA, ZAIA, and STRAVO as CYRAN walks off*

CYRAN: *offscreen* Excuse me, miss.

GIRL: Yes?

CYRAN: I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been 
drinking?

*a moment of silence, immediately followed by everyone onscreen 
wincing*

KUJA: Ouch.

STRAVO: Yikes.

ZAIA: That's not right.

*CYRAN staggers back onscreen*

KUJA: Sorry about that, buddy. I guess I should've mentioned that that 
line only has a twenty-percent success rate.

ZAIA: You keep success rates?!

KUJA: *confused* Well, yeah. Anyway, let's try again. See that blond 
chick over there? The one serving drinks? Tell her- *KUJA whispers in 
CYRAN'S ear* Trust me on this one, it ALWAYS works.

CYRAN: OK. *he walks off again* Pardon me.

GIRL 2: Can I help you?

CYRAN: Is that a run in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

*a moment of silence*

ALL: OH!

KUJA: Now that was totally uncalled for.

ZAIA: She must've had a bad night.

STRAVO: I wonder if she moonlights as a kick boxer?

*CYRAN staggers back, than falls over at KUJA'S feet. KUJA promptly 
helps him back up*

KUJA: Now, don't let this get you down, Captain. Third time's the 
charm. *KUJA scans the street for several minutes* OK, prime target. 
The redhead that just turned the corner. Tell her- *KUJA mumbles 
something* It's a bit less risqué, so I don't think you'll 
get&injured&again.

CYRAN: *sigh* OK. *he slowly walks off* Excuse me?

GIRL 3: Yes?

CYRAN: I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

GIRL 3: *laughs* Well, aren't you cute? What's your name, sweetie?

CYRAN: I'm Cyran! Say, has anyone ever told you that you bear a 
striking resemblance to Captain&Kathryn&Jane&way&

*CYRAN runs back onscreen*

CYRAN: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

*CYRAN runs off the other side of the screen*

KUJA: Come on!

*everyone else chases CYRAN down the street*

KATE MULGREW: Now what in God's name was that all about?

*CUT TO: the door of a men's bathroom. ZAIA leans against the wall and 
sighs. CUT TO: inside the bathroom. CYRAN is holding his head under 
the faucet of a sink while KUJA and STRAVO stand by*

CYRAN: UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!

KUJA: *softly* God, revenge is sweet.

STRAVO: What?

KUJA: *panicking* I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!

STRAVO: Okay, okay! Jeez!

*fade out*

Part 11: Grab the Nickel!

*fade in on STRAVO, ZAIA, KUJA, and CYRAN walking down yet another 
street. CYRAN is continually groaning*

CYRAN: Unclean&unclean&

KUJA: Will you shut up already? It's not like you kissed her or 
anything.

*CYRAN goes into dry heaves*

KUJA: Whoops, uh...heheh.

*STRAVO and ZAIA look at each other*

ZAIA: Is it me, or are they getting on your nerves, too?

STRAVO: Wanna ditch them?

ZAIA: How?

STRAVO: Watch. Hey Kuja, Cyran!

BOTH: What?

STRAVO: Look over there! It's something shiny!

BOTH: WHERE?!

*KUJA and CYRAN stampede off in the direction indicated. STRAVO grabs 
ZAIA by the arm*

STRAVO: OK, let's go!

*they run off. CUT TO: a nearby alley. KUJA and CYRAN dash in and 
begin frantically searching*

KUJA: See it yet?

CYRAN: No! There's nothing shiny here!

KUJA: Dammit! Well, keep-hey! A nickel!

CYRAN: Sweet!

*CYRAN reaches down to pick up the nickel, but KUJA slaps his hand 
away*

KUJA: Hey, asshole, I saw it first!

CYRAN: So what?

*CYRAN reaches a second time, but KUJA slaps his hand again*

CYRAN: Stop that, jerk!

*KUJA reaches for the nickel, but CYRAN yells and tackles him. They 
begin an all-out fistfight. CUT TO: STRAVO and ZAIA*

ZAIA: I think we lost them.

STRAVO: Finally. Now, as long as they don't blow up half the city 
while we're not looking, we should be home free.

KUJA: *offscreen* Hey! Wait up!

STRAVO: Dammit.

*KUJA and CYRAN run on. They hold the nickel between the two of them*

CYRAN: Thanks for the tip, Stravo! You're awesome!

STRAVO: Yeah. Sure.

ZAIA: Why are you guys holding it like that?

KUJA: Well, we couldn't decide who should hold onto it, so we both 
did.

*STRAVO and ZAIA glance at each other. STRAVO suddenly reaches into a 
pocket and pulls out the reservations*

STRAVO: Well, here's the address.

CYRAN: Yay!

KUJA: Food!

ZAIA: And no beer.

KUJA: Awwwwww...

*fade out*

Part 12: BEGIN THE CAMEOS!

*fade in on the interior of King Steve's Kickass Restaurant. The main 
characters enter (followed immediately by KUJA and CYRAN) and scope 
the place out*

CYRAN: What's with those guys in the bright green and yellow? My eyes 
hurt just looking at them!

KUJA: They're MiB agents.

CYRAN: You're kidding.

KUJA: Nope.

STRAVO: Jeez, how can that one stand to wear a bright red tie over a 
striped blue and orange shirt? Ouch!

KUJA: Well, if you had to wear one suit every day of your life, 
wouldn't you go for a little variety in your time off?

ZAIA: Variety is one thing, but total insanity is something else.

CYRAN: Hey, I didn't do anything!

ZAIA: Not you, hon.

CYRAN: Oh, OK.

KUJA: *growls*

HOSTESS: Hi there, party of four?

*ZAIA quickly yanks STRAVO away from the black mages*

ZAIA: No, two parties of two.

HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?

STRAVO: Yeah, all of us do. Here.

HOSTESS: OK then, I can seat you two right away! *she turns to KUJA 
and CYRAN* I'll be back for you in a minute. *she turns back to STRAVO 
and ZAIA* Please follow me. *they walk off*

KUJA: Yeah, you'll be back for me alright. Hehe.

CYRAN: I don't think that's quite what she-

KUJA: Hush.

HOSTESS: OK, now follow me boys!

KUJA: Yes, ma'am!

CYRAN: Easy there, sparky.

*the HOSTESS leads them to a table*

CYRAN: Cool. We get a booth.

*they sit*

HOSTESS: Your waiter should be along in just a minute. Enjoy your 
meal!

KUJA: *as she walks off* I'm sure I will.

*CYRAN takes a moment to sniff the air*

CYRAN: Mmmmmm, that smells good.

*CUT TO: the table where STRAVO and ZAIA are seated. STRAVO sniffs the 
air*

STRAVO: That smells horrible! I wonder who the cook is?

*CUT TO: the restaurant's kitchen, where four very familiar figures 
dressed in cooks' outfits are arguing*

BLACKMAGE: I'm telling ya, it's twenty minutes!

THIEF: Cookbook says it's fifteen.

BLACKMAGE: Is that so?

*he grabs the cookbook and hurls it out the window*

REDMAGE: Was that really necessary?

BLACKMAGE: I assure you, it was the most expedient way of solving this 
dispute.

THIEF: I still say we cook it for fifteen.

REDMAGE: I'm with Thief.

THIEF: What about you, Fighter?

FIGHTER: This coffee needs more sugar.

*the other three turn to see FIGHTER drinking out of the sugar cup*

BLACKMAGE: Hey, Fighter, there's...A MASSIVE BLACK WIDOW ON YOUR 
SHOULDER!

*FIGHTER panics and runs off screaming*

BLACKMAGE: Now that the opinion of Captain Dumbass has been weighed 
and summarily rejected, we can get back to ending this argument. 
Namely, by doing it my way.

THIEF: But Red Mage and I both say to do it the other way!

BLACKMAGE: Too bad. As the head chef, my vote counts as three.

REDMAGE: Bullshit!

*BLACKMAGE grabs his knife*

BLACKMAGE: We can do this the easy way or the extraordinarily painful 
way. Your choice.

FIGHTER: IT'S IN MY HAAAAAAIIIIIIIIRRRRRR!

*CUT TO: STRAVO and ZAIA*

STRAVO: So how did Kuja convince you to drive up here on such short 
notice?

ZAIA: Well, he promised me two things.

STRAVO: What?

ZAIA: Well, first that he and Cyran would get a separate table, and 
second, that he wouldn't dare touch alcohol.

STRAVO: Is it true that he got drunk one time-

ZAIA: Yes.

STRAVO: And he blew up your-

ZAIA: Yes.

STRAVO: No wonder you sliced him up when you got here.

ZAIA: Believe me, he deserved it.

STRAVO: Well, I hope I never end up on your bad side.

ZAIA: *winks* Oh, don't worry. I don't get that angry very often. *she 
smiles* Really.

WHITE MAGE: Pardon me, folks. Can I take your drink orders?

ZAIA: I'll have a Dr. Pepper.

WHITE MAGE: And for you?

STRAVO: Just an ice water.

WHITE MAGE: Alright then, here are your menus, I'll be back in a 
minute!

STRAVO: She looks familiar&

*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN, who are now arguing about drink orders*

KUJA: But they've got Coors!

CYRAN: You promised Zaia! No beer!

KUJA: I won't get drunk, for crying out loud! Anyway- oh, be quiet, 
here comes our waiter.

GARLAND: Howdy, boys! Here's your menus, can I get you started off 
with something to drink?

CYRAN: I'll have a coke.

KUJA: I'll have a brewski.

*CYRAN glares*

GARLAND: Sure thing, sir. May I see your ID? *KUJA hands it over* 
Well, I'm sorry, but you're below the age limit. Can I get you a-

*KUJA grabs GARLAND by the armor and pulls him down so that they're 
face-to-face*

KUJA: Beer. Lots of it. Right now.

GARLAND: YES SIR! COMING RIGHT UP!

*KUJA releases GARLAND, who promptly scampers off. KUJA sits back and 
grins smugly*

CYRAN: Zaia's gonna kill you.

KUJA: She won't ever know. And I'm not going to blow up a wall this 
time. *he sniffs the air again* Wow, does that ever smell good! *he 
turns to face the table behind him* Excuse me, but what's that you're 
eating?

DRIZZ'L: Broiled Creep.

KUJA: Sounds good.

BIKKE: Yar, I likes the Werewolf Platter meself.

KUJA: Tender?

BIKKE: Yar, quite. I wonders how they get it so soft.

*CUT TO: a meat locker with rows of hanging slabs. BLACKBELT flies out 
from between two slabs and nails a third with a flying kick. Then, he 
turns and begins throwing kicks at another before beating a final slab 
with iron nunchucks, screaming nonsense karate yells at peak volume*

BLACKBELT: YAAAAAAA-TAI! KIAIA! KIYAI! MUSKA! SIK-AYIA!

*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN, who are now reading their menus*

KUJA: Hmmmm. So many choices. I wonder what to get.

CYRAN: The Flare Steak sounds good. So does the Vorpal-Kabob.

*CUT TO: STRAVO and ZAIA*

STRAVO: Evil Pie? I'm almost afraid to ask.

ZAIA: Well, I doubt you can go wrong with the Holy Ravioli. *she 
chuckles*

*CUT TO: the bar of the restaurant*

SARAH: Hey Garland! You remembered to check ID, right?

GARLAND: Of course I did! What do I look like, an incompetent?!

SARAH: Well-

GARLAND: DON'T ANSWER THAT!

WHITE MAGE: Can we please ease up on the shouting?

GARLAND: Never mind! I've got drinks to serve!

*GARLAND dashes off*

PATRON: 'Scuse me, miss?

WHITE MAGE: Yes, can I help you?

PATRON: I've been waiting for over a half hour. Is there something 
wrong in the kitchen?

*a muffled explosion is heard*

WHITE MAGE: *quickly* Not that I'm aware of. Don't worry, I promise 
I'll get your order out as soon as possible.

*fade out* Part 13: Oh, not good

*fade in on KUJA and CYRAN, who have both set their menus down on 
their table. GARLAND rushes up, carrying a tray with a coke and two 
pitches of beer*

GARLAND: Here...you...are...gentlemen.

KUJA: *frosty* About time.

GARLAND: Sorry...for the wait. Are you...ready to order?

CYRAN: Yep.

*GARLAND pulls out a pad and pencil*

GARLAND: So, what'll it be?

CYRAN: I'll have the Family Special #6!

GARLAND: Uh&but that serves eight people! Are the two of you really-

CYRAN: Oh no. This is just for me.

*GARLAND drops his pad*

KUJA: I'll have the same.

*GARLAND drops his pencil*

KUJA: And an apple pie with that.

*GARLAND'S jaw drops*

CYRAN: Stop competing with me!

KUJA: I'm not competing with you.

*GARLAND gathers up his stuff*

GARLAND: Well then, gentlemen, thank you, and I'll have your food out 
as soon it's ready.

KUJA: Good man.

*he flips GARLAND the nickel. GARLAND catches it, fumbles, and runs 
off. CUT TO: the kitchen, which is now charred and blackened. THIEF 
pops his head up over one counter*

BLACKMAGE: YAAAAAAAAAAA!

*BLACKMAGE leaps over the counter and tackles THIEF. Both of them 
disappear behind the counter. Punches are heard. GARLAND rushes in*

GARLAND: Hey guys, big order!

BLACKMAGE: AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

*BLACKMAGE launches himself at GARLAND. CUT TO: the restaurant. All 
activity ceases as BLACKMAGE and GARLAND burst through the kitchen 
doors, rolling over each other again and again*

STRAVO: What the-

ZAIA: What in-

*the two combatants finally roll to a stop at the foot of KUJA and 
CYRAN'S table. BLACKMAGE decks GARLAND one final time, then stands. 
KUJA, CYRAN, and BLACKMAGE all lock gazes. Expressions of horror 
slowly crawl across their faces*

BLACKMAGE: Wha-bu-mu-cu-

KUJA: Who-yo-I-no-whe-

CYRAN: Se-ke-me-ne-

*all three suddenly burst out screaming. BLACKMAGE turns and runs back 
into the kitchen. KUJA scrambles over the booth divider and dives 
behind DRIZZ'l'S table. CYRAN leaps out of the booth, runs across the 
room, and latches onto ZAIA'S leg*

ZAIA: Hey!

CYRAN: *bawling* Help me!

DRIZZ'l: Buddy, what the hell are you doing?

BIKKE: Yar, what's the big idea?

KUJA: Shut up! Just shut up!

*CUT TO: the kitchen. BLACKMAGE is curled up into a ball, rocking back 
and forth in one corner with his comrades standing over him*

BLACKMAGE: *weakly* It was horrible...they looked...just like me!

REDMAGE: What should we do with him?

THIEF: Let's just leave him alone for a while and see if he gets 
better.

FIGHTER: Sugar!

OTHERS: No!

*CUT TO: the men's restroom, sometime later. KUJA and CYRAN are taking 
turns justifying their actions to STRAVO*

KUJA: You didn't see it! You didn't look into its eyes!

CYRAN: It was like looking into a mirror! Only dark and twisted and 
wrong and evil and horrifying and-

STRAVO: OKAY! I DON'T CARE! *he takes a deep breath* Look you two, you 
didn't cause any damage, and nobody's going to sue, so as long as you 
behave yourselves. All right?

CYRAN: *he sighs* Okay. I want to sit down.

STRAVO: Why don't you go keep Zaia company for a few minutes? I want 
to talk to Kuja for a second.

*CYRAN nods and exits. The moment the door is closed, STRAVO grabs 
KUJA by the neck and starts shaking him*

STRAVO: You lousy stupid little-

KUJA: Aaaaaaaccccccckkkkkkk!

*STRAVO finally finishes venting and lets KUJA down. KUJA coughs and 
rubs his throat*

STRAVO: Look. I'll make you a deal, all right?

KUJA: What?

STRAVO: You promise not to ruin my date with Zaia-

KUJA: And in return?

STRAVO: I'll do...anything!

*scene freezes as a well-dressed Englishman, complete with top hat and 
cane, bursts out of the closet*

ENGLISHMAN: MISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

*the man ducks back into the closet and the scene unfreezes. KUJA 
smiles evilly*

KUJA: Absolutely anything?

STRAVO: Absolutely anything... *he thinks for a moment* ...not 
involving two guys and a bed.

KUJA: Darn. There goes my third choice.

STRAVO: *pales* Your THIRD choice?

KUJA: Yeah.

STRAVO: *nervously* What're the first two?

*KUJA laughs darkly as he exits*

STRAVO: Oh, this is not good.

*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN'S table. Each has a pitcher of beer in front 
of them*

KUJA: You sure?

CYRAN: After what just happened, I need a beer.

KUJA: Okay then, down the hatch!

*both of them drain their pitchers and are instantly smashed*

KUJA: *giggling* Dude, this is gonna be awesome.

CYRAN: *laughing* Yeah.

*fade out*

Part 14: Kuja Shouldn't Drink

*fade in on KUJA and CYRAN, both of whom are now rip-roaring drunk*

KUJA: Dude, I am so fucking smashed.

CYRAN: Yeah me too.

KUJA: Well, down the hatch!

*they each gulp down another pitcher*

KUJA: Ah, there's a pleasant haze.

CYRAN: *giggling* Dude, I dare you to go up to Zaia.

KUJA: And do what?

CYRAN: I dunno, say somethin' funny!

KUJA: Okay dokay!

*KUJA stands and walks somewhat wobbly over to ZAIA and STRAVO*

ZAIA: So anyway, here I am, talking to this kid, when suddenly-

KUJA: Hey, Zee?

*ZAIA slowly turns and glares at him for the interruption. STRAVO 
glares, too*

ZAIA: *coldly* What.

KUJA: 'S a joke.

ZAIA: What is it?

KUJA: Whaddaya call someone who hangs around wit musicians?

ZAIA: I don't know.

KUJA: A percussionist!

*NOTE: Due to time and space restrictions, we cannot show you the 
severe asskicking Kuja receives for this one. Suffice to say, it's 
pretty bad*

CYRAN: *as KUJA crawls back to the table* Dude, she beat the living 
shit outta you!

KUJA: Beer...beer...

*KUJA grabs a mysteriously refilled pitcher and downs it*

KUJA: Ahhh. *he begins singing* Aches and pains, go away, alcohol, you 
make my day!

*CYRAN cracks up*

ZAIA: Did he look drunk to you?

STRAVO: He'd have to be to do something that stupid.

*they look over*

ZAIA: Good god, not only is HE drunk, he's getting Cyran tanked!

STRAVO: Time for intervention. *he snags WHITE MAGE* Excuse me, can I 
borrow your pen and paper for a moment?

WHITE MAGE: Well, okay.

*STRAVO scribbles something down and hands back the pad*

STRAVO: Would you please make two of those for the...erm...gentlemen 
at the table over there?

WHITE MAGE: *reading the pad* Are these actually safe for human 
consumption?

STRAVO: Well, not really, but they need it. Trust me.

WHITE MAGE: Well, all right.

*KUJA and CYRAN have now received their orders and are stuffing their 
faces*

CYRAN: Mmmmm! Yum, yum!

KUJA: G'food!

*WHITE MAGE pulls GARLAND aside and whispers to him, then hands him a 
tray with a pair of smoking drinks on it. He presents the tray to the 
black mages*

GARLAND: Here you go boys! Um, tonight's special!

CYRAN: Cool!

*they gulp down the drinks. Almost immediately, smoke begins drifting 
from their mouths*

KUJA: Hey, do you feel funny?

CYRAN: Do you smell smoke?

*both realize that smoke is now pouring from their mouths*

BOTH: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

*they both leap up and run for the bathroom. The moment the door is 
closed, huge explosions are heard and massive amounts of smoke begin 
blowing out from the doorframe*

ZAIA: Oh, poor Cyran! What've you done to him?

STRAVO: It's a little wake-up juice. And, uh, Kuja's in there too.

ZAIA: *blinks* Why, so he is. *she cackles*

*KUJA and CYRAN finally stagger out of the bathroom. Their clothes and 
faces are scorched. CYRAN heads back to his own table, while KUJA 
stomps over to STRAVO*

KUJA: Bastard!

STRAVO: You deserved it!

KUJA: Did not!

STRAVO: Did too!

KUJA: Did NOT!

STRAVO: Did TOO!

ZAIA: Good god, I feel like I'm teaching again.

KUJA: *sarcastically* Oh! I'm sorry! Here, let me say something a bit 
more insightful!

*he takes a deep breath*

STRAVO: NOOOOOOO!

*STRAVO grabs KUJA and forces his head back just as KUJA lets out a 
massive gout of flame. ZAIA jumps up and begins frantically patting 
her hair*

ZAIA: OW! OW! OW! You singed my hair, asshole!

KUJA: Oh, I'm sorry! Here, let me even it out!

*another gout of flame*

STRAVO: Stop it!

*ZAIA sprouts her claws*

ZAIA: You're one dead man.

*STRAVO jumps in between them*

STRAVO: NO FIGHTING! *he turns and whispers to KUJA* Remember our 
agreement? You don't fuck up the date&

*KUJA hesitates, then smiles evilly*

KUJA: And you give me whatever I want. *he frees himself from STRAVO'S 
grip and speaks silkily* Okay. I won't bother you anymore. Just 
remember Stravo, you can't back out of this.

*he smoothly walks off. STRAVO weakly sits back down*

ZAIA: What did he mean by that?

STRAVO: Nothing&I hope.

*KUJA seats himself and joins CYRAN in drinking pitcher after pitcher 
of ice water*

KUJA: You know, this has given me an idea.

CYRAN: Oh yeah? What?

KUJA: Come here.

*KUJA whispers into CYRAN'S ear*

CYRAN: Uh-huh...yeah...uh-huh...so...uh-huh...right...yeah...uh-huh...

*KUJA breaks away. CYRAN stares at him*

CYRAN: That's...so cool...it's beyond words.

KUJA: *humbly* Yes, I know, I know. But first, we have to ditch Stravo 
and Zaia, somehow.

*they think for a moment*

CYRAN: Hey, I've got an idea!

*scene freezes. Fade out*

Part 15: I Wanna Riot!

*fade in on CYRAN and KUJA. CYRAN is fishing around in his traveling 
bag*

CYRAN: Here they are.

*he sets several balls on the table. They are labeled 'Angry Bombs'. 
KUJA picks one up*

KUJA: Good idea. Now, we need a proper target. *they scan the area* 
Look over there, a bunch of warsie wannabes!

*at a table some distance away sits a MIKE WONG WANNABE, a MASTER OF 
OSSUS WANNABE, and a CAPTAIN FRANK WANNABE*

CYRAN: Heheh. Me-too-ers. But what about them?

KUJA: They're easy to provoke. Roll one of the bombs under their 
table.

CYRAN: OK.

*CYRAN takes careful aim, pulls the pin, and rolls an Angry Bomb under 
the ME-TOO-ERS' table. It releases a gas with a soft hiss*

KUJA: Get ready to run. *CYRAN nods* Hey, Mike Wong-looking-guy!

WANNABE: Huh?

*KUJA takes a deep breath*

KUJA: GREEDO SHOT FIRST!

*almost immediately, a glass full of Pepsi explodes against the wall 
near KUJA'S head. The WANNABES stand up and begin throwing things, 
howling angrily. One object crashes against the head of an MIB AGENT, 
whose entire table rapidly jumps up and opens fire*

KUJA: OK! GO!

*KUJA and CYRAN dart out of the restaurant as a full-scale riot erupts 
between the WANNABES and the MIB. For absolutely no reason, BLACKMAGE 
and the other LIGHT WARRIORS bust out of the kitchen and join in*

ZAIA: What the hell is-

STRAVO: DOWN!

*STRAVO grabs ZAIA and pulls her under the table as various people 
pull out weapons and begin firing*

ZAIA: What's going on?!

STRAVO: Kuja and Cyran set them off somehow!

*an explosion*

ZAIA: But why?

STRAVO: I don't know! They must be trying to ditch us!

*another explosion*

ZAIA: What are they up to now?!

STRAVO: I don't know, but we've gotta catch them!

*weapons empty, the RIOTERS begin a massive brawl. MIB AGENTS begin 
beating on the WANNABES. REDMAGE and THIEF attack the MIB AGENTS. 
BLACKMAGE, unsurprisingly, has already turned on FIGHTER and is 
stabbing him repeatedly. STRAVO and ZAIA crawl out from under the 
table*

STRAVO: Did you see which way they went?

ZAIA: No! Maybe one of them did! *she gestures to the RIOTERS* Let me 
ask. *she crawls up onto the tables and cups her hands around her 
mouth* Hey! Everyone! Hello? Hey! Did anyone-hey! HEY! *the crowd 
ignores her*

STRAVO: Zaia, that's not going to work. *he helps her down*

ZAIA: I guess not.

STRAVO: Here, let me show you how it's done.

*he climbs up, cups his hands and takes a deep breath*

STRAVO: ANAL SEX!

*all activity ceases*

STRAVO: Did anyone see a pair of guys in blue robes and pointy hats?

*everyone points in one direction*

STRAVO: Thank you! You can, uh, go back to what you were doing now!

*the riot resumes. STRAVO pulls ZAIA out of the restaurant*

ZAIA: Smart move, babe. *she kisses STRAVO on the cheek* Now, let's 
find Cyran and hope Kuja hasn't gotten him killed yet.

STRAVO: *dreamily* Riiiiight...

*ZAIA grabs his arm and pulls*

ZAIA: Come on!

*CUT TO: a cornerside café SIR NITRAM and ROB WILSON are drinking tea 
and conversing in absurdly stereotypical British accents*

NITRAM: I say chum, care for a spot o' tea?

WILSON: Why, thank you, sport. Don't mind if I do.

*KUJA and CYRAN screech to a halt*

CYRAN: Hey! Cookies!

*He begins taking cookies from their table. NITRAM rises, highly 
offended*

NITRAM: I say-

KUJA: No saki? You guys suck!

WILSON: My word! Such language!

KUJA: Come on, Cyran!

CYRAN: *with a mouthful of cookies* Uh&'ight!

*they run off*

NITRAM: What abominable behaviour!

*STRAVO and ZAIA rush around the corner*

ZAIA: Hey! Did you guys see-

WILSON: We most certainly did! Never in my life have I witnessed such-

STRAVO: Which way did they go?

NITRAM: Well, if you must know& *he points*

STRAVO: Thanks!

*they rush off. WILSON rises*

WILSON: This is preposterous! What next?

*the riot in King Steve's spills out into the street*

NITRAM: Good heavens!

WILSON: Ah, a pleasant afternoon distraction!

*he seats himself and sips his tea, watching an MIB AGENT bash a 
WANNABE with the stock of a rifle. Fade out*

Part 16: Some People Really Are Cruel Bastards

*fade in on KUJA and CYRAN walking down the street. KUJA is talking on 
his cell phone*

KUJA: Yeah. OK then, I'll see you there.

*he hangs up*

CYRAN: Success?

KUJA: Success. That takes care of the guest list. Now, all we need is 
the killer stereo system and four metric tons of explosives.

CYRAN: Shouldn't be too difficult.

*KUJA suddenly stops and looks down at his feet. Then, he bends over 
and picks up a soccer ball*

KUJA: What the hell?

*a trio of little KIDS run up*

KID 1: Um, excuse me, sir?

KUJA: Yeah? What do you want?

KID 2: May we have our ball back?

*a brief pause*

KUJA: You REALLY want this ball back?

KID 3: Yes, please.

*KUJA dropkicks the ball into the Hudson River*

KUJA: Go fetch.

*KUJA walks away as the three KIDS burst into tears. CYRAN watches in 
astonishment, then he hurries to catch up with KUJA*

CYRAN: Now what the hell was that all about?

KUJA: What?

CYRAN: What do mean 'what?' You kicking that ball into the river, 
that's what!

KUJA: Well, what about it?

*CYRAN is at a loss for words*

CYRAN: Wait a minute. You're pissed about something, aren't you?

KUJA: *sarcastically* Pissed? Why would I be pissed?

CYRAN: Yep. You're pissed.

*KUJA makes an empty-hand gesture*

KUJA: Look Cyran, I just-

*KUJA stops speaking as an object falls into his hands. Both he and 
CYRAN stop walking and stare*

CYRAN: It's an egg.

KUJA: And it's&hatching.

*a baby BIRD pokes its way through the shell and looks at KUJA, 
blinking*

BIRD: MAMA!

CYRAN: Awwwwww, isn't that sweet? He thinks you're his mom!

KUJA: What. The. Fuck.

BIRD: MAMA!

CYRAN: He sounds hungry.

KUJA: Well, feed him something.

CYRAN: I can't. You're his mother, you have to feed him.

*he holds up a worn to demonstrate. The bird refuses to take the worm 
from CYRAN, but gulps it down when KUJA hands it over*

BIRD: MAMA!

CYRAN: See?

KUJA: So&now I have to take care of him?

CYRAN: Yep. You have to feed him and keep him warm, and help him grow, 
and love him-

KUJA: Like I have that kind of time? Fuck it.

*KUJA drops the BIRD on the sidewalk and brings his sledgehammer down 
on top of it*

CYRAN: YOU ARE SO FUCKING HEARTLESS, YOU KNOW THAT?!

*KUJA grunts and begins to walk away*

CYRAN: Wait a minute. This is about you and Zaia, isn't it? *no reply* 
ISN'T IT?

*KUJA stops completely, then spins around and begins rummaging through 
CYRAN'S traveling bag*

CYRAN: Hey, wait, what're you, what, why, hey-

*KUJA pulls out a weapon shaped like a shotgun, but with a nasty-
looking claw on the end. Stenciled on the side are the words 'Auto-
Castrator'. KUJA levels it*

KUJA: I'm going to use this unless you shut the hell up.

CYRAN: *nervously* Um, okay.

*KUJA begins to walk away*

CYRAN: But seriously, Kuja, you shouldn't be so freaking nasty when 
you get mad.

KUJA: So what the hell do you suggest?

CYRAN: First, gimme back the A-C.

*KUJA hands it over*

CYRAN: You should just try smiling and being nice to people. It'll 
make you feel better!

KUJA: Just the thought of it makes me want to kill something.

CYRAN: But seriously-

BEGGAR: Got a quarter?

CYRAN: Later man, we're kind of busy. Anyway-

BEGGAR: Just a quarter?

CYRAN: I said later, pal! Now scram!

BEGGAR: Aw, come on!

*CYRAN turns, shoves the Auto-Castrator into the man's groin, and 
pulls the trigger. The Auto-Castrator does what it does best*

BEGGAR: AAAGGHH! AAAGGGHH! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!

*the guy falls to the ground and continues screaming. KUJA places his 
hand on CYRAN'S shoulder*

KUJA: Now, wasn't that a lot more satisfying then ' smiling and being 
nice to people'?

CYRAN: Fuck yeah!

KUJA: Let's go. We've got shopping to do.

CYRAN: Wait, can I have my five seconds of fame now?

KUJA: Sure thing.

*CYRAN strikes a dynamic pose, gore dripping from the end of his 
weapon*

CYRAN: With my Donut Cannon, Angry Bombs, and Auto-Castrator&I, 
Captain Cyran, am the master of UN-conventional weaponry!

*trumpets blare*

KUJA: OK, that's enough.

*they take off. CUT TO: STRAVO and ZAIA, some distance back. They gape 
at the ever-increasing carnage*

STRAVO: And THIS is what they do just on a whim? *he shudders*

ZAIA: I swear, when I find Kuja, I'm going to beat him senseless.

STRAVO: What about Cyran?

ZAIA: Oh, I'll probably let him off with a stern warning.

*a beat*

STRAVO: You and Kuja really need to work this out.

*ZAIA sprouts her claws*

ZAIA: Did you just say something?

STRAVO: *quickly* Who? Me? Of course not. Why would I?

ZAIA: I didn't think so.

*fade out*

INTERLUDE 2: Bloopers and Outtakes

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

CYRAN: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

KUJA: Cyran, watch out for the-

*CYRAN slams into the camera and sends it tumbling*

CYRAN: Oh shit! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Is everyone OK?!

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

*KUJA sits in his director's chair and takes a sip of his drink, then 
violently spits it out*

KUJA: OK, who replaced my Dr. Pepper with a cappuccino?

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

STRAVO: All my life, I've lived in the big city-

KUJA: That's not the line!

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

STRAVO: You promise not to ruin my date with Zaia-

KUJA: And in return?

STRAVO: I'll do&anything!

*scene freezes. There is a loud crash, and the ENGLISHMAN spills out 
of the closet*

ENGLISHMAN: How am I supposed to see the fucking handle in here?!

KUJA: *whirling* Dammit people, I thought we fixed this!

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

*a SFX man is working on ZAIA's claws. CYRAN is watching from twenty 
feet away*

ZAIA: So how do I extend these?

TECH: You just apply pressure, like this-

*he squeezes ZAIA'S finger to demonstrate. There is a swishing sound 
and one of ZAIA'S claws disappears*

CYRAN: Urk! *he falls over*

TECH: Uh oh.

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

*KUJA slowly creeps over to the door, looks through the peephole, and 
turns the handle. He shuts his eyes, takes a deep breath, and yanks 
open the door*

KUJA: I SURRENDER IT WAS ONLY AN ACCIDENT I DIDN'T MEAN IT PLEASE 
DON'T KILL ME!

DALTON: Hello, everybody! *laughter*

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

PART-TIME RESEARCHER: Wait a minute! This is lemonade! Where's my 
culture of amoebic dysentery?

*STRAVO spits out his drink*

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

KUJA: For god's sake, why can't we get these lights working? We can't 
film the apartment without the lighting!

GRIP: OK boss, they should work now!

KUJA: Well, it's about time&WHY THE HELL ARE THEY BLINKING?!

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

BYSTANDER: Where'd you guys get the Bin Laden lookalike?

DALTON: Lookalike?

*a scream of pain*

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

DALTON: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to-

CYRAN: I don't feel so good&

*he pukes*

KUJA: Cyran, didn't I tell you no more chocolate?

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

DALTON: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today-

STRAVO: Shit, where's the ring?

KUJA: DAMMIT!

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

DALTON: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man-

SITH GOD: I WANNA WOMAN, TOO!

KUJA: WHO LET THIS LITTLE FUCKER ON THE SET?! GET HIM OUT! GET HIM OUT 
RIGHT NOW!

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

DALTON: Dearly beloved-

KUJA: WATCH OUT!

*a ceiling light crashes to the floor, spraying glass*

KUJA: WHO THE FUCK SECURED THAT?!

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

DALTON: Dearly beloved, we are-

*ZAIA yelps and falls as one of her high heels breaks*

ZAIA: Ouch!

KUJA: THAT'S IT! I'M SCRAPPING THIS WHOLE FUCKING SCENE!

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

*a shaky camera scene, night. DALTON looks into the camera. He is 
wearing a ski mask, and his voice is somewhat muffled*

DALTON: OK, this is our mission: the three of us are gonna bust into 
Zaia's trailer, steal all her clothes, and hide them underneath one of 
the tables at King Steve's to see if she panics or not. Stravo, you 
got the camera?

STRAVO: *offscreen* Yup.

CYRAN: *offscreen* I'm ready!

DALTON: Keep it down! OK, let's go.

*the three of them quietly make their way to a trailer and sneak 
inside. CYRAN and DALTON begin opening drawers and stuffing clothes 
into gym bags*

DALTON: Check out this skirt. Cool.

CYRAN: Whoa, take a look at these knee-highs. I wonder when she wears 
these?

*a light clicks on. The camera swings around to reveal KUJA standing 
in the doorway, holding a mug of coffee*

KUJA: Uh, guys? What are you doing in my trailer?

*CYRAN and DALTON look down at the bags of clothes*

CYRAN: Wait just a damn-

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEP* 

Part 17: Confusion 

*Fade in on KUJA and CYRAN sprinting. ZAIA and STRAVO are about a 
block behind* 

KUJA: Quick! Run faster! 

CYRAN: No! Don't run! Hide! 

*they dive into a dumpster full of rusty spare parts. ZAIA and STRAVO 
reach in and begin searching* 

STRAVO: OK you two, the game is up. Come on out. 

ZAIA: Cyran? I know you're in there somewhere, Cyran. Cyran? Ah, here 
you are! 

*she pulls KUJA up by the hat* 

KUJA: Yo. 

*she shoves him back under* 

ZAIA: Cyran? 

*CYRAN blasts out of the dumpster with a jetpack and soars high into 
the air* 

CYRAN: HA HA HA HAAAAA! I CANNOT BE CAUGHT! ALL YOUR SKYLINE ARE 
BELONG TO US! OH SHIT, I'M OUT OF FUEL! HAAAAAAAAAAAAALP! 

*CYRAN plunges from the sky and crashes down across the street* 

STRAVO: *sigh* I'll go get him. 

*KUJA has used the opportunity to slowly sneak out of the dumpster and 
is creeping away. Unfortunately, he steps on a toy horn, which 
promptly blasts a note like a barge horn* 

KUJA: Shit! 

ZAIA: A-ha! 

*KUJA takes off running towards CYRAN. ZAIA pulls a heavy iron bar out 
of the dumpster and hurls it at KUJA. It caroms off his head and falls 
to the street, but KUJA is not visibly affected. He and CYRAN again 
dart off. ZAIA picks up the bar and stares at its new bend* 

ZAIA: An iron bar.two inches thick.I flung it.it hit his head-oh, that 
explains it. 

*CUT TO: three buildings in a row. CYRAN and KUJA run on* 

KUJA: OK, here's the plan! You break left, cut south, then head 
between gray and red. I'll go straight, then hook left and come west, 
and we'll meet up! 

CYRAN: Right! 

*a beat* 

KUJA: You have no idea what I just said. 

CYRAN: You said it really fast. 

KUJA: Just duck between these two! 

*KUJA runs off between the center and right buildings, CYRAN between 
the center and left. ZAIA and STRAVO run on* 

STRAVO: They split up! You get Cyran, I'll get Kuja! 

*ZAIA runs off between center and left. STRAVO stands still, tapping 
his chin in thought. He addresses the audience* 

STRAVO: All right, I'm not as fast as Kuja is, so I can't just chase 
after him. I'll have to flush him out, but how? Hmmm.wait, I've got an 
idea! *he turns* Kuja! I've got nukes! 

*KUJA runs out* 

KUJA: Where?! 

STRAVO: *grabs him* Gotcha! 

KUJA: *struggling* Dammit, you con man! 

*CYRAN runs on from left and taps STRAVO on the shoulder* 

CYRAN: Sir, you dropped your wallet. 

*STRAVO releases KUJA and turns around* 

STRAVO: Oh, thank you-HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! 

*both Black Mages run off in opposite directions. STRAVO chases after 
KUJA. A moment later, ZAIA runs on from left* 

ZAIA: Cyran? I could've sworn I heard his voice. 

*CYRAN sticks his head out from behind the left building* 

CYRAN: No, you're just crazy! 

*she chases him off. KUJA walks on from right* 

KUJA: Ha. Faked him out. Hey, Cyran? You hear me? 

*he walks off left. CYRAN pokes his head out from the center 
building's second floor* 

CYRAN: Did someone just call my name? 

*he disappears again ZAIA and KUJA run on and slam into each other* 

BOTH: CYRAN! WAIT A MINUTE! YOU'RE NOT CYRAN! 

*KUJA suddenly leans into ZAIA and smiles like an idiot* 

KUJA: Ah, how I've waited for this. 

ZAIA: Why, you- 

*KUJA drops to avoid a punch, then runs off left, laughing like a 
maniac. ZAIA chases him off. STRAVO runs on from right, being chased 
by STEVE IRWIN* 

IRWIN: Just hold still, boy! 

STRAVO: Get away from me! 

*IRWIN tackles STRAVO and holds him down for the camera* 

IRWIN: Now, this is a particularly ferocious writer! Note worn skin of 
the fingertips from typing chapter after chapter! You gotta be 
respectful of a wild animal like this, or you could end up getting 
demonized in a future story! 

STRAVO: Someone get this psychopath off of me! 

IRWIN: Note also the use of multisyllabic words! This little guy's 
been in the business for a while! He might not be famous, but he's 
definitely got the potential! Now, we gotta check him for any possible 
flaws before we release him back into the wild, so that means I've 
gotta hold him down and jam my thumb up his keister! 

STRAVO: HELP ME! 

CYRAN: *offscreen* To the rescue! 

*CYRAN swings down on a rope and plants both feet in IRWIN'S face. 
IRWIN goes flying off left* 

IRWIN: AW, CRICKEY! 

CYRAN: Woohoo! This is fun! 

STRAVO: Cyran, what's that attached to?! 

CYRAN: Shit, I knew I forgot something! 

*CYRAN falls to the ground. STRAVO leans over him, but KUJA suddenly 
comes running on* 

KUJA: Stravo, you gotta help me, man! Zaia's really mad and she's 
chasing me! You gotta hold her off and give me some time! 

STRAVO: OK! Go! 

*KUJA grabs CYRAN and helps him off. ZAIA runs on and STRAVO grapples 
with her for a moment, then jerks upright* 

STRAVO: Wait a minute! Kuja's not on my team! 

ZAIA: You let them get away?! 

STRAVO: It was an honest mistake! 

ZAIA: That's it, time to change the rules. 

*she pulls out a cell phone and begins dialing* 

STRAVO: Who are you calling? 

ZAIA: Backup. 

*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN, two blocks over* 

KUJA: Skull ok? 

CYRAN: Yeah. It'll take more than blacktop to slow me down! 

KUJA: Attaboy. Now, I've got an idea on how to get ahold of some 
explosives. 

CYRAN: How? 

*KUJA pulls out a cell phone* 

KUJA: Watch and learn.



Part 18: A Turn for the Insane 

*fade in on the interior of an Imperial shuttle. Earth is seen beyond 
the forward viewport. STORMTROOPERS sit idly, some conversing quietly. 
Suddenly, a huge cyborg man steps into the camera, smiling viciously* 

LT. HIT-MAN: Hiya, ladies! I'm Lieutenant Hit-Man, and these are the 
Imperial Stormtroopers! Right, boys?! 

*STORMIES snap to attention* 

STORMIES: YES SIR! 

LT: And starting now, we're gonna be a part of the story! And while 
we're at it, we're gonna be kickin' ass left and right! Right, boys?! 

STORMIES: OF COURSE WE WILL, SIR! 

LT: So you all had better pay close attention! 

*he grabs the camera and shoves his face into it, still grinning* 

LT: Cuz we're gonna shake the scene so hard, they're gonna be feelin' 
it all the way back to Coruscant! 

STORMIES: HOO-AH! 

*CUT TO: space, the shuttle in the foreground, Earth in the background 
as echoes of the troopers' voices fade* 

PILOT (vo): Sir, I'm picking up localized transmissions. It looks like 
a riot of some kind. 

LT (vo): A riot, huh? Good! Land as close as possible! It's vacation 
time, boys! 

*STORMIES cheer. CUT TO: the street outside King Steve's, where the 
ruckus has become a full-blown riot. Amid the violence, two very 
familiar-looking British guys are kicking back on a debris-strewn 
patio* 

NITRAM: I say, I haven't enjoyed myself so thoroughly in a fortnight! 

*a RIOTER tries to attack NITRAM from behind, but he tilts his head 
and the guy crashes onto the table. NITRAM shatters a wine bottle over 
his head* 

WILSON: Good show, mate, jolly good show indeed! 

*HIT-MAN and the other STORMIES come around the corner, bashing anyone 
who opposes them* 

NITRAM: Ah, I see the constables have finally arrived! 

LT: Chaos, panic, disorder...I love it! 

*NITRAM and WILSON exchange a glance* 

WILSON: That's no constable...that's a Sith Lord! 

*he stands, grabs the broken wine bottle, and walks up to HIT-MAN* 

WILSON: Who are you? What are you doing here? 

LT: I'm LT. Hit-Man, and I'm looking for some grub! There a place to 
get some food around here? 

WILSON: You can find your nourishment in hell, heathen! 

LT: Alright, you're starting to piss me off. 

*HIT-MAN backhands WILSON and sends him flying into a wall. NITRAM 
rushes over to his downed companion* 

NITRAM: Oh, Robert! Why did you have to be so brave? 

*WILSON moans and passes out* 

LT: Come on, guys, I'm hungry! This place looks like a restaurant! 

*HIT-MAN and the STORMIES enter King Steve's, where a full-scale 
barroom brawl is in progress. They take a booth* 

LT: WAITER! 

GARLAND: Yessir, can I help you? 

LT: We'll have- 

GARLAND: We ain't got any more! All we got left is hot dog and 
cheeseburger! 

STORMIES: CHEESEBURGER! 

GARLAND: You got it! 

*GARLAND rushes off* 

LT: So, who's enjoying themselves so far? 

STORMIES: YEAH! 

STORMIE: Feels like I'm sitting on something. 

*the STORMIE reaches under the table and pulls out a squirming 
creature* 

LT: What the hell? That looks like a gnome! 

GNOME: That's cause I AM a gnome, ya big dummy! 

*HIT-MAN grabs the GNOME and squeezes him* 

LT: What'd you call me?! 

GNOME: Can't...breathe... 

LT: Who are you?! 

GNOME: I'm RogueIce, Grand Vizier of the Gnomish Horde! HAIL GNOMAGE! 

LT: That's it, I'm pissed! Burn his ass! 

ROGUEICE: You can't! 

LT: Why not?! 

ROGUEICE: Because we simply don't burn! 

*HIT-MAN drops his voice to a cold growl* 

LT: Oh, I assure you, everything burns. It's all just a matter of 
finding your flash point. Corporal Asskick! 

CPL: Yes sir! 

LT: Gimme that Flamethrower we took off the Rebs on Tarhog IV! 

CPL: Yes sir! 

*ASSKICK hands over a miniature flamethrower. HIT-MAN points it 
ROGUEICE* 

LT: Any last requests? 

ROGUEICE: Actually- 

LT: TOO BAD! 

*HIT-MAN ignites the flamethrower and ROGUEICE'S beard catches fire. 
HIT-MAN drops him on the floor and he runs wildly, patting at his 
beard* 

ROGUEICE: My beard! My beard! My precious beard! 

GARLAND: Here's your burgers, gents! 

LT: Alright! Good food, good entertainment, what more can a guy ask 
for, right? 

STORMIES: RIGHT! 

ROGUEICE: HELP ME! 

*crossfade to: beneath the restaurant, where a large group of gnomes 
has gathered. Some hold torches, some knives, some pikes* 

DARTH GARDEN GNOME: Is everybody ready? 

GNOMES: READY! 

DGG: Today is the Day of Reckoning! We shall rise up! We shall take 
Manhattan by storm! Humanity will fall before us! 

GNOMES: HOORAY! 

DGG: And then, we gnomes shall become the rightful masters of the 
world! 

*GNOMES cheer. ROGUEICE rushes in, still on fire* 

ROGUEICE: HAAAAAAALLLLLLP! 

DGG: Dammit! Why is it that the Day of Reckoning always comes this 
close and then someone sets RogueIce on fire?! 

MITTH'RAW'NURUODO: Because he's got shitty luck? 

DGG: SILENCE! 

*DGG smacks MITT and sends him flying into the GNOMISH HORDE. Someone 
shoves MITT and sends him into another GNOME. The other GNOME shoves 
MITT back. A brawl breaks out as the GNOMES drop their weapons and 
attack each other* 

DGG: Oh, not again! 

ROGUEICE: HELP! 

*crossfade to: the STORMIES* 

LT: So, what do you guys wanna do next? Rape? Pillage? Or play some 
Ping-Pong? 

*a beeping noise comes from the cybernetic side of HIT-MAN'S head. He 
sighs and taps his temple* 

LT: Yeah, it's Hit-Man, whaddaya want?! *he blinks* Didn't I tell you 
never to call me here?! *a pause* What about it?!...Yeah, I got the 
guys with me...so what?...oh yeah?...sounds like fun!...OK, cool! I'll 
see ya later! *he whacks his own head again* OK guys, we're gonna blow 
this joint! Sergeant Smackemintheface! 

SGT: Yes sir! 

LT: Holy Hand Grenade, now! 

*SMACKEMINTHEFACE hands over an ornate grenade* 

LT: DUCK AND COVER, BOYS! 

*CUT TO: the outside of the restaurant. The STORMIES rush out the door 
as HIT-MAN pulls the pin and tosses the grenade back inside. A bright 
white light suddenly emanates from the building* 

ANGELIC VOICES: HA-LLE-LU-JAH! 

*a massive explosion destroys King Steve's* 

LT: Lock and load, gentlemen! Cut down anyone in our way! We've got a 
job to do! 

*STORMIES draw their blasters and blow a way through the crowd. The 
camera slowly zooms out as gold letters appear on the screen* 

AND SO IT BEGINS...



Part 19: Return of the son of the bride of the revenge of the ROB 
SMASH! 

*we open up on KUJA and CYRAN walking quickly and chatting in low 
voices. KUJA goes to turn a corner and slams into ACE PACE* 

KUJA: Hey asshole, why don't you watch where you're going? 

*he shoves ACE* 

ACE: How am I supposed to see you through a fucking brick wall? Do you 
think I'm psychic or something? 

*he shoves KUJA back* 

CYRAN: Hey, hey, hey, that's enough. It was an honest mistake. Now, 
shake hands. 

*they do. CYRAN slaps ACE on the back* 

CYRAN: OK, let's go. 

KUJA: Later. 

ACE: Later. 

*as ACE walks off, a piece of paper saying 'Turbolasers are lasers' 
flaps at his back* 

KUJA: Nice trick. Where'd you learn that? 

CYRAN: Oh, I saw Aya do it once. 

*Crossfade: Caridia, some time ago. AYA and CYRAN, laughing like 
maniacs, slap an identical sign on the back of a man heading towards 
the Imperial Naval Academy. Crossfade to the previous scene* 

KUJA: Did it work? 

CYRAN: Well. 

*Crossfade to Caridia again. A group of angry Naval recruits are tar 
and feathering the man seen previously. Crossfade* 

CYRAN: .I guess. 

STRAVO *from left*: There you are! 

*an arrow flies on and nails KUJA in the ass* 

KUJA: YYYYYEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW! 

CYRAN: RUN! 

*CYRAN runs off right. KUJA hobbles after him. STRAVO and ZAIA come on 
from left. STRAVO is reloading a crossbow* 

ZAIA: Good shot! 

STRAVO: Come on, let's get them! 

*Cut to: a restaurant. ROB DALTON is sitting at a streetside table 
with a GIRL* 

DALTON: Thanks for agreeing to come out on such short notice. 

GIRL: Hey, it's no problem. I- 

*CYRAN runs by, holding his hat on with one hand* 

CYRAN: Hurry up, Kuja! They're gonna catch you! 

*a moment* 

GIRL: Did you just see- 

DALTON: *flatly* No. And neither did you. 

GIRL: *blinks* Um, okay. 

*KUJA runs by, mostly hopping on one foot* 

KUJA: That's easy for you to say; you don't have an arrow stuck in 
your ass! 

*DALTON continues to look down at his plate* 

DALTON: I did not see that, I did not see that, I did NOT see that- 

GIRL: Is there something I should know about? 

DALTON: NO! I mean, uh, of course not! Now, what do you say we- 

STRAVO: Rob! 

DALTON: FUCK! 

*DALTON stands and turns to face STRAVO and ZAIA as they come up* 

DALTON: What? What do you people want this time?! Can't you see I'm in 
the middle of a date?! 

ZAIA: Kuja and Cyran are up to something. 

*ROB groans* 

DALTON: What now? 

ZAIA: I don't know, but you can bet it's illegal. 

*ROB holds his head in his hands* 

DALTON: Why me? Why? 

*he turns back to his table* 

DALTON: I guess.HEY! Where'd she go?! 

*the GIRL has vanished* 

STRAVO: Looks like she took off. 

DALTON: That's it. I'm mad. 

*ROB begins to shake, turn green, and transform into ROB SMASH. He 
picks of the table and breaks it against the wall* 

SMASH: Rob smash people who ruin his date! 

ZAIA: *points* They went that way. 

*SMASH yells incoherently and charges off in the direction indicated. 
Crashing sounds are heard* 

STRAVO: Man, Rob must be the one driving property insurance sky-high 
around here. 

*CUT TO: HIT-MAN and the STORMIES* 

LT: Hey! You! 

ACE: Yeah? 

LT: You see a couple guys in pointy hats around here? 

ACE: Actually, I ran into them a couple minutes ago. They went that 
way. 

LT: Thanks! 

*ACE turns to walk away* 

LT: WHAT THE FUCK?! 

*STORMIES make noises of disapproval* 

LT: GRAB HIM! 

*the STORMIES surround ACE and begin shoving him around* 

ACE: Hey, what, I, what, but, stop it! 

LT: What are you, a kriffing idiot? 

ACE: What? 

LT: Don't you know that lasers move at the speed of light? 

ACE: What?! 

LT: Don't you know that turbolasers aren't massless weapons? 

ACE: WHAT?! 

LT: Don't you know that turbolasers can flak burst? 

ACE: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! 

LT: HA! YOU ADMIT DEFEAT! TAKE HIM, BOYS! 

*STORMIES pull out brass knuckles, chains, clubs, and other 
streetfighting weapons and proceed to beat ACE PACE senseless* 

LT: That's what you get, moron! 

*fade out as STORMIES continue to beat ACE PACE*



Part 20: Shit. 

*we open up on the BMs. CYRAN has one foot planted on KUJA'S rear end 
and is yanking on the arrow* 

KUJA: PULL, YOU FUCKING WEAKLING! 

CYRAN: It's...stuck... 

*arrow pops free and CYRAN falls over backwards. KUJA stands up and 
sighs blissfully* 

KUJA: Finally. 

CYRAN: Now, can we- 

SMASH: ROB HAS FOUND YOU! 

BOTH: WHAT THE HELL?! 

*ROB SMASH appears at the end of the block and charges forward. STRAVO 
and ZAIA are close behind* 

KUJA: Shit! Not this again! RUN! 

*both of them take off running. KUJA is in the lead, but CYRAN pulls 
on his robes and runs past him. KUJA grabs the back of CYRAN'S hat and 
regains the lead* 

SMASH: ROB SMAAAAAAASH! 

*CYRAN pulls a clipboard out of his bag and begins scribbling* 

CYRAN: Last Will and Testament- 

*KUJA turns a corner and CYRAN follows. SMASH plows right through the 
building and gains some ground. Up ahead, SHINOVA walks out of a 
doorway* 

SHINOVA: What on Earth? 

*KUJA runs up to SHINOVA and pulls a giant wrench out of CYRAN'S bag* 

KUJA: Shin! When Rob runs by here, whack him with this! 

SHINOVA: What? 

*KUJA and CYRAN take off again. SHINOVA stares at the wrench for a 
moment, then shrugs and lifts it over his head. ROB SMASH runs by. 
SHINOVA holds his position. STRAVO turns the corner and SHINOVA lets 
him have it, bringing the wrench down on his head. STRAVO grunts and 
falls flat on his face. As the crossbow hits the ground, it goes off. 
An arrow bounces off the sidewalk and nails ROB in the ass* 

SMASH: AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! 

SHINOVA: YEAH! I got him! I...you're not Rob. 

*STRAVO, being unconscious, does not reply* 

ZAIA: What the hell did you do that for?! 

SHINOVA: Uh, I, uh, I, well, I, uh...shit. 

SMASH: WHO HURT ROB?! 

*SHINOVA shoves the wrench into ZAIA'S hands and runs* 

SHINOVA: SHE DID IT! 

ROB: ROB SMASH! 

ZAIA: Shit. 

*CUT TO: a nearby alley. KUJA and CYRAN dart in and stop for a 
breather* 

CYRAN: Damn...that was...way too...close. 

KUJA: Yeah...what got Rob all mad this time? 

CYRAN: Well, I guess it doesn't matter now. Rob's got someone new to 
hate. 

KUJA: Cyran...it's Zaia. 

*a pause* 

CYRAN: So? 

KUJA: Think about it. 

*another pause* 

CYRAN: Shit. 

*CUT TO: ZAIA crouched in front of a wall. She leaps as ROB slams his 
fist into it, shattering it* 

SMASH: SMASH! 

*ZAIA ducks another swing* 

ZAIA: Where the hell is my backup? 

*CUT TO: HIT-MAN attempting to read a map upside-down* 

LT: Uh... 

CPL: You figure out where we go next, boss? 

LT: Yeah, yeah. Just gimme a minute...here we are! 

SGT: That's Alaska, boss. 

LT: Shit. 

STORMIE: Hey boss! Check this out! 

*HIT-MAN walks over to the STORMIE and peers over his shoulder. He 
grins* 

LT: Well, I guess this wasn't a waste of time after all! Get ready to 
move in, boys! 

*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN* 

CYRAN: We gotta go back and help her! 

KUJA: Yeah, sure. Anyway, let's get going and meet my contact. 

CYRAN: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO A WORD I SAY! 

KUJA: Huh? 

CYAN: Asshole! I'm going back to help Zaia! 

KUJA: Like hell you are- 

*blaster bolts suddenly hit the ground around their feet* 

CYRAN: Yaaaah! What the- 

VOICE: Don't move! 

KUJA: Shit.



Part 21: Ph34r the half-baked plans of SEGNOR 

*Open up on a dark sewer deep beneath Manhattan. DARTH GARDEN GNOME 
and ROGUEICE stand before a cyborg human, currently deactivated. The 
chest of the cyborg is open, revealing three small seats inside* 

DGG: So be it! If the Day of Reckoning won't come to us, we'll go to 
it! 

ROGUEICE: Isn't it all the same? 

DGG: IMPERTINENCE! RYE, ABUSE HIM! 

*an orange-headed gnome jumps out of the shadows and crushes ICE with 
his head* 

RYE: Shall I continue? 

DGG: Shall he? 

ROGUEICE: No! I-I've learned my lesson! 

DGG: Continue! 

*RYE bashes ICE a few more times* 

DGG: That will be sufficient. Dismissed! 

*RYE salutes and leaves* 

DGG: Now then, we need our pilots! 

*he whistles. MITT, JODOFORCE, and LONESTAR all rush up, dressed in 
flight suits* 

DGG: RogueIce, brief them! 

ROGUEICE: Gentlemen, your mission is to use this false human to 
infiltrate Manhattan society. Once done- 

DGG: You will return to us and tell us everything we need to know in 
order to crush humanity! 

ROGUEICE: *whines* I thought I was doing the briefing! 

DGG: IMPERTINENCE! RYE! 

ROGUEICE: NOOOOOOOO! 

*RYE jumps in wielding a crowbar and chases ROGUEICE off* 

LONESTAR: Sir? The mission? 

DGG: Oh, yes! For secrecy purposes, your mission is codenamed 
'Pandora's Thighs'. Now get going! 

ALL THREE: YES SIR! 

*all three GNOMES pile into the cyborg. JODO pulls the hatch closed. 
After a moment, the cyborg jerks, opens its eyes, and stands, towering 
over DARTH* 

DGG: Well, Agent Fisher, are you ready? 

FISHER: I-will-con-quer-the-hu-mans-sir. 

*DGG grabs a rock and brains FISHER with it* 

FISHER: OW! 

DGG: Talk like a normal human, fool! Otherwise, you'll never blend in! 

FISHER: Yes sir. I'm ready to leave now. 

DGG: Good! Go! 

*FISHER turns and begins to climb a nearby ladder. Upon reaching the 
top, he lifts a manhole and peers out at the street* 

FISHER: Looks like a war zone out there. 

VOICE: ROB SMASH! 

FISHER: What the- 

*a big green foot stomps down on the manhole, sending FISHER rocketing 
straight down. He crunches through the floor where DARTH is standing 
and continues down* 

DGG: Oh, crap! He's going to slam into the C-4 stockpile! 

*DGG dives under a blanket and hides there, shivering. Meanwhile, up 
on the street, SMASH is completely unaware of the chaos below* 

SMASH: ROB SMASH REDHEAD WHO HURT ROB'S ASS! 

ZAIA: That can be construed SO many different ways. 

SMASH: ROB SMASH! 

*ROB takes a swing at ZAIA, who ducks under it and begins tickling 
him* 

ZAIA: Cootchie-cootchie-coo! 

*SMASH immediately collapses, laughing hysterically* 

SMASH: R-ROB...STOP...STOP...STOP!! 

*SMASH jumps up and knocks ZAIA over in the process* 

SMASH: NOW ROB SMASH! 

*SMASH hauls off, but suddenly, the nearby manhole cover is blown off 
by a massive explosion. The manhole cover soars up, then comes back 
down on ROB'S head. He grunts and promptly falls over* 

ZAIA: Why are men constantly falling over me? 

STRAVO: *groan* 

*cut to the nearby alley* 

KUJA: Who's there? 

VOICE: Throw down your weapons. 

CYRAN: Do we do it? 

KUJA: No choice. Do it. 

*KUJA unslings his sledgehammer. CYRAN drops his knife and the 
traveling bag* 

VOICE: Put your arms up! 

*they do* 

KUJA: That voice sounds familiar. 

*a helmetless Mandalorian drops from the roof of the nearest building 
and trains a blaster pistol on each Black Mage* 

MARINA: Now, don't make any sudden moves, and you won't lose anything 
vital. 

CYRAN: Shit! Duchess, what the hell are you doing here? 

MARINA: Making you two look like fools. Not too tough, I suppose. 

KUJA: Zaia called you, didn't she? 

MARINA: Now you're making use of that rusting hunk of metal you call a 
brain. 

*behind the other corner* 

LT: OK boys, get ready. And Private Long. 

LONG: Yes sir? 

LT: Remember, the hole on the end of the rifle is NOT a sighting 
device. 

LONG: Yes sir!



Part 22: Stereotyping blond people 

*open up on ZAIA tugging on DALTON'S arm* 

ZAIA: Stand...up...you...big... 

*he grip slips and she falls backwards* 

ZAIA: Help me, will you?! 

STRAVO: I've got a twelve-alarm headache and you want ME to help YOU? 

ZAIA: *smiles* Pleeeeeeeaaaase? 

STRAVO: WAKE UP! WAKE UP, YOU FOOL! 

DALTON: Murmph. 

ZAIA: Stop that. My ears are ringing. 

STRAVO: No, that's your cell phone. 

ZAIA: Oh. 

*ZAIA answers her phone while STRAVO begins kicking ROB in the ribs. 
ROB finally comes to and lets STRAVO help him up, then decks STRAVO 
for kicking him in the ribs* 

ZAIA: Hey guys, good news! 

BOTH: What? 

*CUT TO: MARINA and the BMs* 

MARINA: Turn around. 

KUJA: Look, Marina, maybe we can talk- 

MARINA: NOW! 

KUJA: OK. 

*they turn* 

MARINA: Now, march. 

VOICE: HEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY MARINA! 

MARINA: What the- 

*LT. HIT-MAN bursts out of the shadows and jumps on MARINA'S back* 

LT: Hey, what's up? How you doing? 

MARINA: Get off of me, you stupid ape! 

KUJA: Cyran, now! 

*CYRAN grabs his traveling bag and reaches inside* 

CYRAN: AMNESIA DUST! 

*a handful of gold powder hits MARINA in the face and she begins 
coughing. HIT-MAN jumps off as she doubles over. CYRAN checks the 
small pouch in his hand* 

CYRAN: Uh oh. 

KUJA: Uh oh what? 

CYRAN: That wasn't amnesia dust. 

LT: Hey, look at her hair! 

*MARINA'S hair begins changing color, from red to yellow, as she 
continues coughing* 

KUJA: What's happening to her? *to CYRAN* What the hell was that 
stuff? 

CYRAN: Um...Ultra Blond Powder. 

LT: What? 

*MARINA finally stops coughing and stands up straight. She blinks* 

MARINA: Ewwwww, what am I doing in this grungy outfit? And why I am a 
standing in this dirty alley? I'm going out for some sun! 

*she strips off the armor to reveal more normal clothes and pops some 
bubble gum in her mouth* 

MARINA: I'm going shopping! Wanna come? 

LT: *dumbfounded* Uh... 

MARINA: Oh well, you snooze you lose! See ya later! 

*she bounces off. All three guys look at each other* 

KUJA: You turned Marina into an airhead blond. 

CYRAN: I grabbed the wrong pouch! 

*a moment* 

ALL THREE: VIDEOTAPE! 

*CUT TO: ZAIA dragging STRAVO and DALTON down the street* 

STRAVO: What's the rush? 

DALTON: Yeah, Marina can handle things. 

ZAIA: Well, I've got a bad feeling about- 

BOTH: DON'T SAY IT! 

*MARINA comes around the corner, a vapid smile on her face. She stops 
and looks shocked, then lets out a happy scream, dashes up to ZAIA and 
grabs her hands* 

MARINA: Ohmygod Zaia, how are you! I haven't seen you in, like, 
forever! What's new? Have you got a boyfriend yet? Want to do some 
shopping? 

*ZAIA is a bit startled. ROB and STRAVO stare* 

ZAIA: Uh...Marina, is that you? 

MARINA: Of course it is, silly! Who did you think it was, the Tooth 
Fairy? 

DALTON: Marina? 

MARINA: Hey, Robby! Who'da guessed I'd run into you here?! 

STRAVO: *amazed* Robby? 

DALTON: Don't look at me. 

MARINA: Well, are you guys all gonna stand here and gawk or is someone 
coming with? 

ZAIA: Marina, what the hell happened to you? 

MARINA: Oh, I dunno. *she twirls her hair* One sec I'm standing in 
this ugly little place and the next I just felt like going out and 
having a good time, y'know? 

ZAIA: Um, OK. 

MARINA: Well, I'm going out to find a date! You can just stand here 
and be boring! 

*she bounces off again* 

STRAVO: Wow...Marina as a blond chick... 

DALTON: It's bizarre...yet strangely attractive. 

*LT, the BMs, and a bunch of STORMIES dash around the corner. CYRAN is 
carrying a monstrous video recorder* 

KUJA: There she is, don't lose her! 

ZAIA: Wait a minute! 

LT: Whaddaya want? 

ZAIA: What the hell did you do to her? 

CYRAN: *proudly* I turned Marina into an airhead blond! 

*up ahead, MARINA loops an arm around a surprised brunette* 

MARINA: So, what're you doing tonight, sweetie? 

ZAIA: I can't stand to see her like this. 

ALL GUYS: I CAN! 

ZAIA: *mutters* Perverts. 

*she notices CYRAN'S camera* 

ZAIA: Gimme that! 

CYRAN: No way! This contains bribery material of unlimited potential! 
I'm not giving it up! 

ZAIA: Gimme! 

*she dives for the camera, but CYRAN tosses it to KUJA. She dives at 
KUJA, but he tosses it to STRAVO. A game of keep-away begins, with all 
the guys tossing the camera around. Finally, DALTON flubs a catch and 
ZAIA grabs it* 

KUJA: Rob, you butterfingered fool! 

DALTON: *in tears* Football never was my cup of tea. 

*ZAIA breaks the camera over her knee. CYRAN has a spaz attack* 

CYRAN: Noooooooo! All that beautiful evidence down the drain! *he 
begins sobbing* 

ZAIA: That's it, I'm going to kill you all. 

*her claws spring out* 

LT: Disorganized retreat pattern Four-Alpha! Go! 

*all the guys run screaming down the street, just ahead of ZAIA. After 
a moment, KUJA comes back and retrieves an intact videotape from the 
broken recorder* 

KUJA: Hehehehehehe...and now, on to the final phase of my uber-
ingenious ego-feeding plan! 

*he continues laughing madly as he runs away again*



Part 23: Being popular isn't all it's cracked up to be 

*open up on a city street. A lone GUY dressed in a trench coat and a 
mobster hat pulled down over his eyes stands on the sidewalk. LT. HIT-
MAN, KUJA, CYRAN, STRAVO, DALTON, and the STORMIES all run by, 
yammering. He doesn't react. ZAIA runs by, then stops suddenly and 
turns to look at him* 

ZAIA: Do I know you? 

GUY: *flatly* No. 

ZAIA: You look familiar. 

GUY: *flatly* No I don't. 

*ZAIA continues staring at him* 

ZAIA: I could've sworn I've seen you before. 

GUY: *nervously* No you haven't. 

*ZAIA steps forward and rips his hat off* 

ZAIA: Stormbringer! I knew it was you! 

STORMBRINGER: Shit! Gimme that hat back! 

GIRL: EEEEEK! THERE HE IS! 

STORMBRINGER: Oh no. 

*a mob of GIRLS runs around the corner and surrounds STORMBRINGER, 
knocking ZAIA backwards in the process* 

ZAIA: What- 

GIRL 1: GET HIS HAIR! I WANT HIS HAIR! 

GIRL 2: I WANNA TOUCH HIS LEGS! 

GIRL 3: HOLD MY HAND! 

GIRL 4: NO, HOLD MINE! 

STORMBRINGER: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME! 

ZAIA: Holy shit. 

*a certain figure walks by, carrying a boat oar* 

DARTH FANBOY: Poor guy. It's tough being popular. I should know. 

ZAIA: Hey Fanboy, come here! 

*FANBOY begins to walk over* 

FANBOY: What do you- 

*ZAIA grabs him by the throat and uses the claws on her free hand to 
cut her way into the mob. Several moments pass before she emerges 
carrying a thoroughly abused STORMBRINGER* 

FANBOY: HELP! HELP ME! I'M NOT THE GUY YOU'RE LOOKING FOR! ZAIA! 

ZAIA: Sorry hon, it's called 'acceptable casualties'. 

*she carries STORMBRINGER some distance away and sets him down* 

ZAIA: Are you okay? 

STORMBRINGER: My ribs are bruised, my clothes are ripped, my hair's 
torn, and my jaw feels sore. DO I LOOK OKAY TO YOU?! 

ZAIA: Sorry. 

STORMBRINGER: Why me? Why can't I even go out in public without being 
mobbed by that bunch of psychos? 

*CUT TO: around the corner, where all the guys are listening in* 

DALTON: I'd like to know the answer to that myself. 

CYRAN: Ssh! Zaia's talking! 

*CUT BACK* 

ZAIA: Hey, you should feel lucky to have so many girlfriends. 

STORMBRINGER: They're not my girlfriends, they're my stalkers! 

*CUT AROUND* 

LT: Is that like a stalk of broccoli or a stalk of asparagus? 

*KUJA snickers. CUT BACK* 

ZAIA: Well, at least they're distracted now, so you should be able 
to.go home, or whatever you were trying to do. 

*CUT TO: FANBOY attempting to use the oar to smash his way out of the 
MOB* 

FANBOY: Back! Back, I say! Back! 

*a GIRL grabs the oar and runs off with it* 

GIRL: I'VE GOT THE OAR! I'VE GOT THE OAR! 

FANBOY: NO! My precious oar! My precious! Myyyyyyyy preeeeeciousssss! 

*CUT AROUND* 

FANBOY: The precious is lost! 

STRAVO: I don't even wanna know what's going on there. 

STORMIE 1: I'm glad stuff like this never happens to us. 

STORMIE 2: Yeah, me too. 

GIRL: EEEEEK! STORMTROOPERS! 

STORMIES: NOOOO! 

*the STORMTROOPER FAN CLUB appears out of nowhere and surrounds the 
squad. Several blaster bolts are fired out of the tangle of bodies, 
but have no discernable effect. After several moments, the group 
retreats, leaving only a blaster rifle and an upside-down helmet, 
rocking back and forth* 

LT: No! My entire squad! Oh, the humanity of it all! 

*he breaks down* 

DALTON: S'okay, LT. They've just gone to that big Battle of Hoth in 
the sky. 

LT: You think so? 

DALTON: *grins* Sure. 

CYRAN: You've got your fingers crossed, liar! 

KUJA: GENTLEMEN! Might I remind you that we have a schedule to keep? 

STRAVO AND DALTON: We do? 

KUJA: Well, you don't, but you're welcome to join us. Let's just check 
on what Zaia's up to, shall we? 

*he starts to peek around the corner. CUT BACK to where ZAIA is 
crouched, waiting. KUJA'S head starts to come around and she leaps, 
spearing it with her claws.* 

KUJA: Whew! That was close! 

ZAIA: What the- *she flexes her hands* This is silly putty! 

KUJA: Gotcha! Let's go, boys! 

*the guys run off, leaving ZAIA behind* 

ZAIA: Ugh, it's all over my hands. I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, KUJA!



Part 24: SEGNOR Strikes Back 

*open up on the planning room of the Gnomes. DARTH, ROGUEICE, MITT, 
RYE, and MUTANT HEADCRAB are all clustered around a table* 

ALL: Hail to the SEcret GNOme Revolution! Long live SEGNOR! 

DGG: Since our previous two plans have only met with limited success- 

ROGUEICE: We failed completely! 

DGG: Rye! 

*RYE stuffs a live goldfish into ROGUEICE'S mouth and duct-tapes it 
shut* 

DGG: -we must now change our strategy. 

*a distant roar* 

HEADCRAB: I think Fido's hungry. 

DGG: Of course! Why didn't I think of this before! Let's take Rover- 

HEADCRAB: Fido. 

DGG: -up to the surface and set him loose! The humans will be so 
panicked, our takeover will be simplicity itself! 

MITT: Should we arm him? 

DGG: Why not? Give Rover his favorite hammer, Headcrab! 

HEADCRAB: His name's Fido. 

DGG: Now nothing can stop us! Muwhahahahaha! 

*ROGUEICE makes a choking sound* 

DGG: Yes, I know I'm brilliant. No need to confirm it. 

*CUT TO the surface. ZAIA and STORMBRINGER walk down a street, with 
ZAIA rubbing what's left of the silly putty off her hands* 

ZAIA: *mumbling* Once I get my hands on that lousy little- 

STORMBRINGER: So what the hell is going on around here? 

ZAIA: Long story. Just help me kill Kuja, alright? 

STORMBRINGER: Uh...any particular reason? 

ZAIA: Um...he said some nasty things to me? 

STORMBRINGER: HE'S A WALKING DEAD MAN. 

ZAIA *under her breath* Perfect. 

*a crash. Both of them whirl around* 

STORMBRINGER: What was that? 

ZAIA: Sounds like it came from underground! 

*another crash. Then another. ZAIA and STORMBRINGER stand back to 
back, watching nervously. With a final crash, a massive creature 
bursts through the street and roars* 

STORMBRINGER: It's a cave troll! 

ZAIA: Kill it! 

STORMBRINGER: Get to safety! 

*STORMBRINGER reaches under his trench coat as FIDO roars and charges, 
swinging a massive iron hammer. Just as the troll reaches him, 
STORMBRINGER sidesteps, whips off the coat, and throws it in FIDO'S 
face, revealing a pair of six-shooters on gunbelts. He quick-draws and 
fires several rounds into the troll's back. FIDO goes sprawling and 
doesn't get up* 

ZAIA: Great job! You- 

STORMBRINGER: Quiet! 

*STORMBRINGER approaches the troll and kicks its foot. FIDO doesn't 
move. A pair of GNOMES scramble up from the hole in the street* 

HEADCRAB: You killed our pet! 

ZAIA: That thing was your pet? 

MITT: Yeah, and we just spent a fortune to buy a pooper-scooper for 
him! 

STORMBRINGER: I really didn't need to hear that... 

*FIDO suddenly rises and roars angrily. STORMBRINGER aims, but the 
troll swings its hammer and sends him flying* 

ZAIA: Storm! 

*STORMBRINGER slams into a parked car, crumpling its side* 

ZAIA: You bastard! 

*FIDO takes a swing at her, but she jumps over the troll's arm and 
uses her claws to open several deep cuts. FIDO bellows again and 
knocks her over. ZAIA tries to catch her breath, but FIDO steps on her 
legs and pins her* 

ZAIA: Help! 

GNOMES: DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! 

*a sudden thwack. FIDO yelps and grabs the back of his head* 

FANBOY: Surprise, asshole! 

*a slightly mangled FANBOY steps out from behind FIDO, carrying his 
reclaimed boat oar* 

ZAIA: Fanboy! You're alive! 

FANBOY: No thanks to you! 

ZAIA: Just kill the troll and I'll make it up to you! 
Promisepromisepromise! 

FANBOY: Okay! *assumes heroic pose* Let's get to it! 

*a beat. FANBOY assumes a second heroic pose* 

HEADCRAB: What the hell is he doing? 

MITT: Beats me. 

FANBOY: *assumes third heroic pose* I'm charging up my ultimate 
attack! Don't interrupt me! 

HEADCRAB: Sorry, this is just too damn boring. Fido! Crush 'em! 

*FIDO smashes FANBOY with the hammer and reduces him to pancake size* 

FANBOY: Owwww... 

MITT: Well, that was totally pointless! 

HEADCRAB: Hey Fido! Use him as a Frisbee! 

*FIDO picks up FANBOY and hurls him down the street. He slams into a 
wall and pops back to normal size, unbelievably disoriented. Both 
GNOMES burst out laughing* 

ZAIA: You'll pay for this! 

MITT: Oooooh, I'm so scared! Fido! Finish her off already! 

ZAIA: NO! 

*FIDO raises the hammer again and is about to bring it down when a 
gunshot rings out. FIDO trembles once, then falls to the ground, 
revealing a mangled STORMBRINGER loosely holding one of his six-
shooters and smiling dazedly* 

STORMBRINGER: ...Bang. 

HEADCRAB: No way! 

MITT: Shit! Retreat! 

*both GNOMES crawl back down the hole* 

FANBOY: You're not getting away, SEGNOR scum! 

*he dives after them. STORMBRINGER wavers, then falls forward, the gun 
slipping from his hand. ZAIA darts forward and catches him before he 
hits the ground* 

STORMBRINGER: Is it all...just a dream? 

ZAIA: Yeah. Just a dream. 

FANBOY: *from the hole* Stop ripping off Cowboy Bebop, you unoriginal 
tearjerkers! 

STRAVO (vo): From what I heard later, it was a pretty wild battle, 
even if it was short. I'm still sorry I missed it. Stormbringer was 
sorely missed by many, and his body was laid to rest at- 

STORMBRINGER (vo): Hey asshole, I'm not dead! 

STRAVO (vo): YEAAARGGH! A GHOST! 

STORMBRINGER (vo): Oh, hurry up and finish already! 

STRAVO (vo): Uh, all right. But even with Stormbringer gone, *a growl. 
STRAVO gulps* the real carnage was just beginning. None of us guessed 
what Kuja had up his sleeve until it was too late... 

STORMBRINGER (vo): Finished? Great, fine, good, I'm pulling the plug! 

*blackout*



INTERLUDE 3: The Hunk of Man Meat Awards! 

*open up of a stage full of various...men...wearing anything from 
mystic robes to stormtrooper armor. THE KERNAL and CRAZEDWRAITH face 
the camera* 

KERNAL: Welcome back, folks! It's time to decide who walks away as the 
Hunkiest Guy of SD.Net! 

CRAZEDWRAITH: Couldn't have said it better myself, Kernal! There were 
lots of worthy contestants, but only one can walk away with the golden 
crown! 

*a hottie in a tight black dress walks out, carrying a velvet pillow 
with a small gold crown on it* 

KERNAL: so, who will receive the much-wanted crown? Will it be "El 
Diablo" Verilon? Will it be Durandal the Butch? Mad, the mad? Or will 
it be the biggest hunk of meat of all, Rob Smash? 

CRAZEDWRAITH: We'll find out, after this! 

*AUDIENCE cheers. Crossfade to a Borg Cube* 

BORG: We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your- 

*the cube explodes brilliantly. A high-wired ANNOUNCER steps in* 

ANNOUNCER: When you decide you just can't deal with the village idiots 
anymore, use Gridfire! Armor bows before it! Shields are useless 
against it! It just CANNOT BE STOPPED! 

*he holds up a miniature GSV* 

ANNOUNCER: Everything's better...with GRIDFIRE! 

*crossfade* 

KERNAL: Wow, that gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling... 

CRAZEDWRAITH: And we're back at the Hunt of Man Meat Contest! Now, the 
presentation of the crown! 

KERNAL: The envelope, please! 

*BEOWULF runs out with an envelope in hand and gives it to THE KERNAL. 
The CONTESTANTS lean forward, a hungry look in their eyes* 

KERNAL: Thank you. And the winner is... 

*he tears open the envelope* 

KERNAL: VERILON! 

*the AUDIENCE cheers. The other CONTESTANTS are gape-mouthed. VERILON 
does cartwheels* 

VERILON: WOOHOO! I WON! THIS IS AWESOME! 

*the hottie hands over the crown. DURANDAL loses it* 

DURANDAL: Dammit, I paid the judges two hundred each for that crown! 
It belongs to me! 

*VERILON clutches his prized crown* 

VERILON: No way! I chea-er, won it fair and square! 

FANBOY: Well, I think I'm more handsome than you, so hand it over! 

VERILON: No! 

DALTON: Rob Smash! 

COLONEL OLRIK: I order you to give me that crown! 

CRAZEDWRAITH: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEEEEEEEE! 

*all the CONTESTANTS pull out a weapon. The AUDIENCE roars. THE KERNAL 
and CRAZEDWRAITH retreat to a character-shielded announcer's box* 

KERNAL: And we're off, folks! Verilon's making a break for it-no! He's 
down from a spell courtesy the Harry Potter-on-acid candidate, 
Mitth'raw'nuruodo! 

MITT: My crown! 

*he gets clotheslined by MAD* 

MAD: I've earned this crown, kid! Stay outta my way! 

*SPYDA runs by and snatches it* 

SPYDA: ZEE CROWN EST MIEN! 

*he runs right into DALTON'S choke-slam* 

DALTON: I'll take that! 

*AERIUS slides by and grabs the crown* 

AERIUS: Hahaha! Mine now! 

*he scampers up onto the scaffolding for the stage lights* 

AERIUS: Try and reach me now! 

*DARTH UTSANOMIKO whips out a rocket launcher* 

UTSANOMIKO: Dodge this. 

*AERIUS whimpers* 

AERIUS: But...I touch myself at night! 

*a rocket blows him into bloody chunks. The AUDIENCE roars. The crown 
goes whirling* 

CRAZEDWRAITH: Who's gonna get it? Who? 

*CYRAN and KUJA dive for it, but slam into each other* 

BOTH: ASSHOLE! THUNDER! 

*they shock each other into unconsciousness* 

RYE: I've got it! 

*he runs into STRAVO and falls backward* 

STRAVO: No you don't. 

DALTON: Give it up! 

*STRAVO places the crown on his head* 

STRAVO: Come and take it! 

*DALTON stomps and charges. Some joker plays a Godzilla roar over the 
speakers* 

STRAVO: Come on! 

*RYE stands up, disoriented* 

RYE: Ow, my head... 

*he gets squashed between DALTON and STRAVO* 

KERNAL: Ouch! That can't be pleasant! 

CRAZEDWRAITH: An experience he'll be sure to wish he'd never 
experienced, indeed! 

*as DALTON pushes STRAVO across the stage, STARSHIPTITANIC hangs down 
from the curtains and grabs the crown* 

TITANIC: I got it! I got it! I'm the winner! I'm...falling! 

*he plummets to the stage and is engulfed in fighting CONTESTANTS* 

CRAZEDWRAITH: Well folks, that's all the time we have here! We now 
return you to your regular boring lives! 

KERNAL: This contest was brought to you by Gridfire! Remember kids, 
everything's better...with Gridfire! 

*CGI Gridfire explosion as the screen fades to black*



Part 25: Battle Beneath Manhattan! (isn't that an old movie?) 



*open up on a bunch of SEGNOR troops getting stoned* 

GNOME 1: Yo.pass it, man. 

GNOME 2: Okay. 

*gunfire erupts from the shadows, blowing all of the GNOMES away* 

FANBOY: Well, that wasn't too hard. 

*STORMBRINGER rolls his eyes and drops his guns back into their 
holsters* 

STORMBRINGER: Let's keep moving. There's bound to be someone who heard 
that. 

*a bunch of GNOMES burst through the door* 

GNOME LEADER: You're trapped! 

FANBOY: Big Swinging Wood Attack! 

STORMBRINGER: Whatever this is, it had better involve him keeping his 
pants on. 

*FANBOY charges the GNOME SOLDIERS and wipes them out by swinging the 
oar* 

STORMBRINGER: Ok, let's go. 

*CUT TO: The Gnome Control Center* 

DGG: What's going on? What just happened to Gnome Squad Four? 

HEADCRAB: They've been wiped out! 

MITT: There's a pair of humans fighting their way towards us! 

DGG: Crap! I was hoping nobody would notice the giant hole Rover left! 

HEADCRAB: IT'S FIDO! 

*ROGUEICE enters* 

ROGUEICE: Excuse me, Fearful Leader, but- 

*a female falls out of the air conditioning and squashes him* 

MARINA: Wow, this place is so cool. 

DGG: YAAAAAA! HUMAN! SOUND RED ALERT! 

MARINA: Wow, look at all the fancy gadgets! What does this do? 

HEADCRAB: DON'T TOUCH THAT! 

*MARINA hits a button and HEADCRAB is hit with a boxing glove on a 
spring. In the groin. He crumples.* 

MARINA: Oh, neat trick. 

DGG: For Thorin's sake, stop her! 

*MITT leaps, but MARINA turns to look at something else and he crashes 
into a computer screen* 

MARINA: Hey, why is this one labeled Do Not Touch? Can I touch it? 

DGG: NO! 

*she does anyway* 

VOICE: WARNING. WARNING. AUTO-DEFENSE SYSTEM ACTIVATED. GET YOUR ASS 
OUT OF HERE. 

*various guns begin popping out of the wall* 

DGG: Now look what you're done! 

*CUT TO: a room outside the control center. STORMBRINGER and FANBOY 
finish off the guards* 

STORMBRINGER: Hey, do you hear that? 

FANBOY: Sounds like someone's yelling. 

*they train their weapons on the door to the Control Center just as 
the door bursts open. DGG runs out amid bursts of laser and gunfire. 
He attaches himself to STORMBRINGER'S chest* 

DGG: HELP ME! SAVE ME! SHE'S A MENACE! 

STORMBRINGER: Get off! Get off of me! 

DGG: NO! HERE SHE COMES! 

*he runs off, panicking. MARINA exits the Center, slightly sooty* 

MARINA: Aw, I just bought these yesterday and now they're all yucky! 
Ick! 

FANBOY: Wha... 

MARINA: Oh, hi! Isn't this place so totally cool? Later! 

*she jogs off down a tunnel. The two guys stare after her* 

STORMBRINGER: Um...wasn't that- 

FANBOY: WHY AM I JUST STANDING HERE?! 

STORMBRINGER: What? 

FANBOY: WAIT FOR ME, BLONDIE! 

*he charges off after MARINA* 

STORMBRINGER: Wait a minute! 

*CUT TO: A chamber deep beneath the Control Center. DGG runs in and 
hits a switch* 

COMPUTER: Self-destruct has now been activated. Self-destruct in 20 
seconds. 

DGG: I'm outta here! 

*he jumps into an escape pod and shoots off just as MARINA runs in* 

MARINA: Yuck. This place is so dark. Ooh, check out this couch! 

*she sits down in one of the escape pods and it launches just as the 
guys run in* 

FANBOY: Wait! Wait! 

STORMBRINGER: Too late. 

COMPUTER: Self-destruct in 15 seconds. 

BOTH: WHAT?! 

*the door slams shut behind them. They leap into each other's arms* 

FANBOY: I DON'T WANNA DIE! I HAVEN'T SCORED ENOUGH YET! 

STORMBRINGER: IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO END LIKE THIS, DAMMIT! 

COMPUTER: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6... 

BOTH: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! 

COMPUTER: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...have a nice day. 

BOTH: Thank you. 

*CUT TO: the street of Manhattan as KUJA leads his group around yet 
another corner* 

KUJA: Hey did you just feel something? 

CYRAN: You mean like a distant explosion? 

*STORMBRINGER and FANBOY erupt out of the ground and go flying up, 
accompanied by a lot of smoke* 

BOTH: Looks like we're blasting off agaaaaaaaaaiiiiin! 

*they disappear* 

CYRAN: Wow. That was random. 

*KUJA turns to face the camera* 

KUJA: And if you caught all the references in this chapter, 
congratulations! You need a life almost as badly as I do! 

*fade out*


Part 26: Deus Ex Machina 


*open up on AYA in an X-wing blasting Delta Flyers. AYA laughs like a 
maniac as he fires a torpedo and blows away one of the Flyers* 

AYA: Take that, Feddie scum! 

*CUT TO: ZAIA chasing the GANG OF GUYS down the street* 

LT: How'd she get so close? 

STRAVO: I think she's wearing cleats! 

DALTON: JUST RUN! 

*they turn a corner. ZAIA follows, only to realize that everyone's 
disappeared* 

ZAIA: Okay...where are you all? 

*she looks left and right, but sees no one. She smiles gamely* 

ZAIA: I know you're around here somewhere, guys. Give it up and make it 
easy on yourselves! 

*pan up to reveal the entire GANG perched precariously on a lamppost. They 
hiss at each other* 

LT: Hold still! 

DALTON: I can't get a good grip! 

CYRAN: Kuja, move your ass! 

KUJA: I can't! Deal with it! 

STRAVO: Cyran, pull your elbow out of my gut! 

ZAIA: Come on, you can't stay hidden forever! 

CYRAN: I'm slipping! 

KUJA: Grab him! 

*CYRAN falls towards ZAIA, but STRAVO lunges and grabs him just in time. 
CYRAN dangles precariously just above ZAIA'S head* 

STRAVO: Jesus! How many bowling balls did you eat for lunch? 

KUJA: Just hold on, you weakling! 

*a groaning sound* 

LT: What was that? 

DALTON: Uh oh. 

*the lamppost suddenly bends. CYRAN jerks to a stop less than an inch away 
from ZAIA* 

CYRAN: *under his breath* Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god... 

STRAVO: I can't hold on any more! 

*His grip on CYRAN slips. ZAIA takes a step forward and CYRAN falls to the 
ground just behind her. The GUYS breathe a collective sigh of relief. Then 
the lamppost bends a second time* 

ZAIA: Who's there? I can hear you breathing...I think! 

LT: It's giving way! 

KUJA: Just hold on! 

*CYRAN sits up* 

CYRAN: THAT FUCKING HURT! 

*ZAIA whirls* 

ZAIA: Where did you come from?! 

DALTON: IT'S GOING! ABANDON SHIP! 

*ZAIA looks up just in time for all the GUYS to fall on her* 

ALL: OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW! 

*it takes some time for everyone to get untangled* 

ZAIA: Now hold still! 

KUJA: Cyran, help! 

*CYRAN shoves a hat over her eyes, then sticks a false nose on her while 
he's at it* 

CYRAN: OK, go, go! 

*the GUYS take off while ZAIA is struggling with the hat. Finally, she 
manages to get it off, then realizes that it's a black witch's hat and 
she's wearing a big green nose* 

ZAIA: I AM NOT A WICKED WITCH, YOU BASTARD! 

KUJA: Thanks for taking some of the rage for me. You're a real pal. 

CYRAN: Anything for a buddy. 

*ZAIA comes tearing after them and cuts them off. She bares her claws* 

ZAIA: Now you're all gonna die. 

LT, DALTON AND STRAVO: WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! 

ZAIA: Okay, just the two of them, then. 

*KUJA and CYRAN burst into sobs* 

ZAIA: So, do you want quick and painless or slow and horrible? 

KUJA: Quick! 

CYRAN: Painless! 

ZAIA: Slow and horrible it is! 

BOTH: THAT'S NOT FAIR! 

ZAIA: Too bad. 

*she lunges, but a piece of Delta Flyer comes down and slams into her. It 
explodes* 

KUJA: Now's our chance! Run! 

*he grabs CYRAN by the wrist and drags him off. The other three stand there 
staring at the wreckage* 

DALTON: When she gets out of there, she's going to be really mad. 

STRAVO: Let's help her out. 

LT: Then she won't be mad at us. 

*they start to work through the wreckage as we fade out*


Also Part 26: No Nukes! 


*HIT-MAN, DALTON, STRAVO, and a somewhat bandaged ZAIA all sit or stand 
around a sidewalk bench* 

STRAVO: So now what to we do? 

DALTON: There's not much we can do. 

STRAVO: But...there's gotta be something! 

ZAIA: There's nothing, all right?! We lost them, now they're free to do 
anything they want, got it?! 

*silence* 

LT: So...we're screwed. 

ZAIA: Yes. Unless something goes wrong with their plans. 

*CUT TO: a local gun store as KUJA and CYRAN are escorted out by a pair of 
beefy security guys* 

KUJA: All I want it a 50-megaton nuclear weapon! Is that too much to ask 
for? 

SECURITY 1: Sir, please calm down. 

KUJA: You guys make a living selling offensive weaponry, don't you? Why 
don't you have any nukes in stock? 

SECURITY 2: Sir, there's nothing we can do about it. 

CYRAN: Cheapskates! Back home we can buy four for a quarter! 

KUJA: Yeah! 

SECURITY 1: Well then, why don't you toddle on home, kids. Good night. 

*the SECURITY go back inside. KUJA and CYRAN begin to walk away, then KUJA 
suddenly stops* 

CYRAN: What's up? 

KUJA: Cyran, what did you learn in school? 

CYRAN: Reading, writing, and arithmetic. 

KUJA: They teach you anything about revenge? 

CYRAN: No, I learned that on my own. 

KUJA: Good. 

*they spin. KUJA throws a fireball and CYRAN throws an ice blast. The store 
erupts into a hail of sparks and snowflakes* 

SECURITY 1: OH GOD, WE'RE FREEZING TO DEATH AND BURNING ALIVE AT THE SAME 
TIME! 

SECURITY 2: MY RIGHT SIDE IS BLACK AND MY LEFT IS BLUE! 

KUJA: Of course, you realize that this brings a whole new meaning to the 
phrase no nukes. 

CYRAN: Yeah, no nukes! 

COUNTER GUY: AND WE HAD AN 80-MEGATONNER UNDER THE COUNTER THE WHOLE TIME! 

*they freeze* 

KUJA: HANG ON! 

CYRAN: WE'RE COMING! 

KUJA: DON'T DIE! 

*they bravely rush into the store. Time passes. They emerge triumphantly 
carrying a large warhead* 

KUJA: We did it! 

CYRAN: We're gonna be heroes! 

*they start rushing down the street when CYRAN stops* 

CYRAN: Hey, weren't there some people in there, too? 

*all the ammo in the store detonates at once* 

KUJA: Not anymore. 

CYRAN: Oh well. Can't be helped now. 

*KUJA checks his watch* 

KUJA: Let's go. We've gotta get everything set up before the crowd arrives. 

*CUT TO: STRAVO and the others* 

STRAVO: Well, if all our lives are going to end, I say we get one last 
drink. 

LT: I'm with that. 

ZAIA: Oh hell, why not. Then I can die drunk and surrounded by guys. 

*they start to walk towards the nearest bar when a piece of paper is blown 
across the street into DALTON'S face. He grabs it and is about to throw it 
away when he stops and reads it* 

DALTON: Guys! I've saved the day! 

OTHERS: Huh? 

DALTON: *reads* Come to the ultimate rave tonight on top of the Empire 
State Building. Beer, snacks, and music courtesy of Black Magic Ltd. The 
night will conclude with the greatest fireworks show ever seen in 
Washington DC. 

LT: Washington? But we're in New York. 

*a beat* 

STRAVO: Oh shit. 

ZAIA: Well, it's obviously too late to stop them, since it's already after 
sundown. Let's just grab a drink. 

DALTON: But if we go to the rave and fail anyway, we can still get drunk 
and die in the middle of a party! 

STRAVO: Yeah, it's win-win! 

ZAIA: OK, let's go! 

LT: Party time! 

*fade out*


 Part 27: Raves Are Cool 


KUJA: Ready? 

CYRAN: Ready to rock. 

KUJA: YOU ALL READY, FOLKS? 

CROWD: YEAH! 

KUJA: Then let's get this party started! 

*KUJA throws a massive switch, and the camera suddenly zooms out to capture 
the top of the Empire State Building as fireworks erupt, followed by a 
blitz of strobe lights and swinging laser beams. Ludicrously loud techno 
music can be heard. CUT TO the street just before the Empire State* 

DALTON: Looks like we're gonna be late. 

STRAVO: Well, let's hurry! 

ZAIA: Guys! I need a rest! 

LT: It's okay, I'll carry you! 

STRAVO: No way! I will! 

*DALTON picks up ZAIA and stampedes off* 

DALTON: See you later, alligator! 

STRAVO: Hey! 

LT: Get back here! 

*CUT TO: the Empire State's observation lounge-turned-party central. STRAVO 
throws open the door. ZAIA blinks in the lights. CYRAN pops out of nowhere* 

CYRAN: Hey, folks! How are you'all doing! 

LT: We wanna join the party! 

CYRAN: Sure thing El-tee! You just gotta pay ten bucks! 

DALTON: What? 

CYRAN: Well, we've gotta pay for the beer and music somehow, right? 

*they all pay up* 

ZAIA: Kuja's not getting tanked again, is he? 

CYRAN: Nah. He's on the wagon tonight. 

LT: Party time! 

*he disappears into the crowd* 

ZAIA: Oh, for- 

CYRAN: Heh, he should enjoy himself. Anyway, have a good time folks! And be 
sure to stick around for the big display at midnight! 

*he turns and heads into the crowd* 

STRAVO: So, who wants a drink? 

DALTON: Me! 

STRAVO: Z? 

ZAIA: I'm gong to go find Kuja and make sure he's staying out of trouble. 

STRAVO: OK, see you in a few. Come on, Rob. 

*they make their way towards the bar. ZAIA starts to wander off when a 
rapidly moving form wraps itself around her* 

MARINA: HIIIIIIIIIIIII! 

ZAIA: ACK! Marina, quit it! What are you doing here? 

MARINA: Having fun, duh! 

ZAIA: You're on something, aren't you? 

MARINA: Uh-huh! 

ZAIA: Well, go have fun somewhere else, okay? 

MARINA: Okay! 

*she skips off. ZAIA shivers, then starts looking. She spots KUJA in the 
middle of a crowd of women, speaking. She elbows her way closer* 

KUJA: ...so you see ladies, the trick is to show up with your clothes ON! 

*all laugh* 

ZAIA: Hey! 

KUJA: Oh, hi! I didn't think you were coming! 

ZAIA: Well, now you're coming...with me! 

*she grabs KUJA by the hair* 

KUJA: OW! Stop that! 

GIRL: Hey, what are you doing to the host? 

ZAIA: He and I need a talk. Now if you'll excuse us... 

*she drags KUJA off by the hair* 

KUJA: Ow, ow, owww! Stop it! Stop! 

*he finally manages to pull free* 

KUJA: What's wrong with you? Can't you just enjoy the dance like everyone 
else? 

ZAIA: It would be a lot easier if I didn't have to shovel snow out of my 
living room every morning! 

KUJA: I apologized for the wall, for god's sake! Can’t you give me a second 
chance? 

ZAIA: Like you deserve one! 

*they both spin around, quite angry* 

KUJA: Who cares about your stupid wall? 

ZAIA: Who cares about your stupid dance? 

*silence. They continue standing back-to-back. KUJA stares off into the 
distance. ZAIA uncrosses her arms, then crosses them again* 

ZAIA: Um& 

KUJA: I saw this office downstairs- 

ZAIA: Let's go! 

*she grabs his arm and they run off. CUT TO: STRAVO and DALTON, surrounded 
by a crowd of women* 

DALTON:&so I said 'don't piss off the cemetery caretaker!' 

*all laugh* 

STRAVO: Now, this is what I call a good time. 

DALTON: Good drinks, good music, good company, I must agree. 

*a MAN stumbles into their circle, monumentally drunk. He sways a bit, but 
stays upright. He sneers at STRAVO and DALTON* 

MAN: Well, well, well! If it isn't my favorite rabid warsie fuckwits! 

BOTH: SCOOTER?! 

*fadeout*


 Part 28: My Favorite Ice Cream Flavor Is Troll-burning Berry 



*DALTON and STRAVO dash up to CYRAN* 

STRAVO: Cyran, Scooter got in somehow! 

DALTON: He's wandering around drunk! 

CYRAN: Yeah, I know. 

DALTON: You...know? 

CYRAN: Uh huh. 

STRAVO: What on Earth possessed you to let him in? 

CYRAN: Hey, the guy paid his cover charge just like everyone else. If he 
wants to call me a rabid warsie fuckwit right before handing me a ten-
dollar-bill, it's his business. Now then, if you'll excuse me& 

*he wanders off* 

STRAVO: Warsies and Scooter&interacting&peacefully? 

DALTON: Something's going on here. 

*KUJA appears on the dance floor and makes his way towards CYRAN* 

KUJA: Hey, everything ready? 

CYRAN: You bet. *a beat* Hey, did you get a new hat? 

KUJA: Uh, no. 

CYRAN: Haircut? 

KUJA: No... 

CYRAN: There's something different about you. 

KUJA: Really. Well, we can talk about it later. Gimme the mike. 

*ZAIA appears at the bar next to DALTON and STRAVO* 

ZAIA: Hi guys! 

STRAVO: Well, you're in a good mood all of a sudden. 

DALTON: Did you and Kuja finally settle things? 

ZAIA: Um...twice. 

STRAVO: Wha? 

KUJA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! 

*silence falls* 

KUJA: THANK YOU FOR ATTENDING THE LAST RAVE EVER IN NEW YORK CITY! 

CROWD: YEAH! 

STRAVO: Wait a sec- 

KUJA: AND NOW, THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! 

*CYRAN whips off a tarp to reveal the nuke he and Kuja…purchased…earlier in 
the day* 

KUJA: IN JUST A FEW SECONDS, ONE LUCKY RAVER IS GONNA SET THIS BABY OFF! 

DALTON: We've gotta stop him! 

*they start forward, but are immediately hemmed in by the crowd* 

RAVER 1: Hey, quit jostling! 

STRAVO: I can't move! 

RAVER 2: Shut up! 

KUJA: SO, WHO WANTS TO PUSH THE BUTTON? 

*the crowd goes nuts* 

KUJA: WELL, WE HAVE TO CHOOSE JUST ONE OF YOU, SO I HAD MY BUDDY CYRAN 
THROW ALL YOUR NAMES IN A HAT! LET'S SEE WHO THE LUCKY GUY OR GAL IS! 

*he messes around in an upturned hat for a moment and pulls out a scrap of 
paper* 

KUJA: AND THE WINNER IS...ROBERT SCOTT ANDERSON! 

SCOOTER: WHOOHOO! 

*he begins making his way towards the stage* 

SCOOTER: I can't believe it! This is awesome! I've never won absolutely 
anything in my entire life! 

*DALTON sniggers* 

SCOOTER: Besides every one of my debates, of course, fuckwit! 

DALTON: Yeah, of course. 

SCOOTER: Concession accepted, you- 

KUJA: SCOOTER, GET UP HERE! 

*he scrambles up* 

KUJA: CONGRATULATIONS, PAL! NOW, HIT THE SWITCH! 

SCOOTER: I AM A GOLDEN GOD! 

*he throws the switch. The nuke starts rumbling, then another rocket bursts 
out of the floor, nails him in the crotch, and carries him up into the air. 
Everyone watches as the rocket soars up, then explodes into a pretty 
fireworks display. A screaming human form engulfed in flame drops from the 
sky. It continues screaming until it caroms off another skyscraper, then 
drops silently until it lands on some power lines. Electricity sizzles and 
the victim starts screaming again. Finally, he falls off the lines and into 
a passing truck full of rock salt. The truck dumps its load, including him, 
onto the street. Slowly, the screaming subsides and the figure sits up* 

SCOOTER: I AM INVINCIBLE! 

*then he gets his head taken off by a passing pickup truck that just 
happens to be driven by a group of half-drunk women and stormtroopers. The 
crowd cheers* 

KUJA: NOW, LET'S REALLY PARTY! 

*the music starts up even louder. KUJA leaves the nuke and makes his way 
over to the others* 

DALTON: You got all this cooked up just so you could kill off Scooter? 

KUJA: Oh no, I'm really gonna set the nuke off. 

STRAVO: What?! 

KUJA: I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Yes, I really did do all this just to off 
Scooter. 

DALTON: Well, done, then. 

*STRAVO roughly drops a hand on KUJA'S shoulder* 

STRAVO: Now that that's all out of the way, let's go discuss the 
particulars of you and Zaia being friends again. 

DALTON: Yes. Let's. 

KUJA: Um...is it too late to make my will out? 

BOTH: Yes. 

*KUJA hangs his head*


 Part 29: I Couldn't Think of a Good Name So This Is All There Is 


*open up on STRAVO'S bedroom, early morning. He sits up, yawns, and goes to 
get dressed. He brushes his teeth, scarfs down some breakfast, and goes out 
the door. He emerges into a massive nuclear wasteland* 

KUJA: Sorry, but I couldn't resist! 

STRAVO: NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

*cut to the bedroom as STRAVO sits bolt upright in bed and slaps himself 
once or twice* 

STRAVO: Oh man...what the hell did I do last night? 

*another lump on the bed sits up* 

DALTON: I'd like to know that myself. 

*a long silence as STRAVO and DALTON slowly turn to face each other* 

BOTH: YYYYYAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! 

*STRAVO rolls out of bed, runs to the door, throws it open, and runs out. 
DALTON rolls out of bed, runs to the door, closes it, and smashes through. 
Moments pass, and a third figure sits up* 

ZAIA: Guys...I know I don't look my best in the morning, but was all that 
really necessary? 

*cut to the living room. ZAIA wanders in to find the nuke lying on the 
floor. She looks at it, then shrugs and continues searching. She finds 
STRAVO in the kitchen attempting to drown himself in the sink and drags him 
away* 

ZAIA: Now where's Rob? 

STRAVO: Can you let go of my collar now? 

*a rumble* 

ZAIA: Did you hear that? 

STRAVO: Sounds like it came from the fridge. 

*ZAIA opens the door to find that DALTON has somehow stuffed himself in 
between the shelves and is gnawing on a donut* 

STRAVO: HEY! That's my emergency rations! 

DALTON: It was an emergency! 

STRAVO: Get out of my refrigerator! 

*ZAIA sighs and wanders back out into living room and sits down on the 
couch. Angry shouts and several crashes emanate from the kitchen. ZAIA sits 
for a bit, then frowns and tilts her head slightly. She leaves the couch 
and puts her ear to the nuke* 

ZAIA: Stravo? 

STRAVO: What? 

ZAIA: The nuke is snoring! 

STRAVO: What nuke? 

ZAIA: Get in here! 

*STRAVO enters, followed by DALTON* 

STRAVO: Why is there a nuclear weapon sitting in my living room? 

DALTON: And why is it snoring? 

*the nuke grunts. STRAVO leaps back* 

STRAVO: It moved! 

ZAIA: Is this thing alive? 

*banging sounds from inside the nuke* 

DALTON: It's going to go off! 

*all three grab each other* 

ALL: THIS IS THE END! 

*a panel on top of the nuke flies open and KUJA sticks his head out. He 
yawns and stretches* 

KUJA: *brightly* G'morning everyone! *a pause* What's with the group hug? 

DALTON: You slept in the nuke? 

KUJA: Uh huh! 

STRAVO: For God's sake, why? 

KUJA: Uh...well, I figured that I if wasn't going to set it off, this would 
be the next best thing. 

ZAIA: You jerk! Do you realize what kind of shock you gave us? 

KUJA: Certainly not an electric one. The EMP on this baby would've handled 
it. 

ZAIA: That's it! 

*she launches herself at KUJA and they both fall inside the nuke, the panel 
falling shut after them. Several loud crashes and screeching begin. The 
nuke suddenly rocks and an impression of KUJA'S body appears in the side. 
Someone rings the doorbell and STRAVO answers it to find his NEIGHBOR 
standing there* 

NEIGHBOR: When are you going to stop strangling those poor cats? 

*STRAVO slams the door in his face* 

DALTON: Stravo! 

STRAVO: What now? 

DALTON: The nuke's rolling towards the balcony! 

STRAVO: Oh no. 

*freeze*


 Part 30: Hard Hat Zone 


*unfreeze* 

STRAVO: Don't let it go out the window! 

DALTON: Too late! 

*the nuke rolls into the glass and stops* 

BOTH: Whew... 

*the nuke suddenly leaps into the air, does a complete spin, then smashes 
through the glass and begins falling. Both men freak out and rush to the 
edge of the balcony* 

STRAVO: What on Earth are they DOING in there? 

*cut to inside the nuke* 

KUJA: My mama always said never to hit a lady, even if she hits you first, 
but I don't think she could've seen this coming. THUNDER! 

*KUJA flings an electrical bolt at ZAIA that bounces off the nuke casing 
and back towards him. He yelps and ducks. The bolt slams into a circuit 
panel and shorts it out* 

ZAIA: Don't do that in here! 

KUJA: Fine! 

*he pulls out his sledgehammer* 

KUJA: Hold still! 

*cut to the sidewalk, where CYRAN is buying a hamburger* 

CYRAN: Nice stand. 

OWNER: Thanks. I used to operate a fruit stand, but someone wrecked it. 

CYRAN: Boy, what kind of jerk would do that? 

*a shadow appears on his head and begins to grow. Cut to the balcony* 

STRAVO: Please don't go off, please don't go off, PLEASE don't go off... 

DALTON: God, I know you and I give each other a lot of shit, but I do 
believe in you, I really do! 

*a sunbeam breaks through the clouds and shines down on DALTON* 

HEAVENLY VOICE: No you don't, you liar. 

DALTON: Fine, you don't need to get all pissy about it! 

VOICE: Bitch. 

*the sunbeam disappears* 

DALTON: That asshole always needs to get the last word. 

*cut to CYRAN* 

CYRAN: So, did you ever catch the guy who wasted your old stand? 

OWNER: No. He just took off. 

CYRAN: Man, that sucks. 

*the shadow continues growing. Pan up to the nuke, which suddenly flips so 
that it's falling tail first. STRAVO and DALTON breath a sigh of relief* 

DALTON: Maybe it won't go off now. 

*the nuke flips back. STRAVO grabs DALTON by the neck and shakes him* 

STRAVO: You had to open your mouth, didn't you?! 

*cut to CYRAN, who is now covered in shadow* 

CYRAN: Boy, all of a sudden it looks like rain, doesn't it? 

*the nuke falls straight towards CYRAN, then at the last minute throws 
itself to the side, demolishing the burger stand* 

OWNER: Not again! I give up! 

*STRAVO and DALTON come rushing down the stairs* 

STRAVO: Are you okay, Cyran? 

CYRAN: Oh yeah...I think I might've changed the color of my robes, 
though... 

DALTON: Is it safe, do you think? 

*the panel flies open and KUJA comes scrambling out, juggling a glowing 
object* 

KUJA: HOT! HOT HOT! TOO HOT! 

*ZAIA pokes her head out* 

ZAIA: Ditch it! 

KUJA: OW! HOT! 

DALTON: What the- 

CYRAN: Is he juggling a uranium rod? 

KUJA: YES! HOT! 

HYPERION: Oh, I'll take that. I've dealt with these things before. 

*KUJA flips HYPERION the rod and he walks off, totally ignorant of the 
gouts of smoke erupting from his palm. KUJA begins frantically blowing on 
his hands* 

KUJA: HOT! HOT! 

CYRAN: Hang on, buddy! 

*he douses KUJA'S hands with Coke. KUJA'S eyes bug out and he goes flying 
high up with a screech* 

CYRAN: Whoops. 

*ZAIA crawls out of the nuke and immediately merits a catcall from across 
the street* 

STRAVO: Hey! 

DALTON: Bastard! 

CYRAN: Shut up! 

*all three rush over to beat on the guy who whistled* 

ZAIA: Ah, the joys and perils of being popular. 

*she sighs and holds her hands out. KUJA comes down out of the sky and 
lands right in her arms, smoke still trailing from his hands* 

KUJA: Nice catch. 

ZAIA: Um, thanks. Are you all right? 

KUJA: Sure. One thing, though? 

ZAIA: What? 

KUJA: Can you kiss my hands and make them all better? 

*she drops him* 

KUJA: Ouch.


 Chapter 31: The Search Begins, Part One 


"Hey," Zaia asked. 

"Yeah?" 

"Does something feel different to you?" 

Kuja shrugged and continued washing his hands in the cold water. "Like 
what?" 

"I don't know...something." 

"Well, if you put your finger on it, let me know." There was a short 
silence, then Kuja turned to scrutinize the calendar. 

"What are you doing?" Zaia asked. 

"Checking what time of the month it is," he said. 

"You bastard!" she snapped. She grabbed a nearby steak knife and moved to 
fillet him. 

"I had a dream about you last night," he mentioned casually. She stopped 
short. 

"Really?" 

"Yep. I woke up cuddling the main circuit board, in fact." 

"Awwwwwww! That's so sweet!" she said with a grin. Then she set the knife 
down and threw her arms around Kuja for a big hug. 

All too easy, he thought with a diabolical grin. 


Meanwhile in the living room, Stravo was trying to figure out what was 
wrong. Something had been bothering him since he got up, and it wasn't the 
fact that he'd ended up in bed with Dalton and Zaia with no knowledge of 
how he'd done it. It wasn't the fact that Dalton had helped himself to his 
emergency donuts, either. Of course, that did bother him a bit, especially 
since Dalton was doing it again right now. Hey, wait a minute- "Asshole, 
what do you think you're doing?!" he snapped. "Stop eating my donuts! 

Dalton looked up guiltily. "Bu' 'ere je'y fid," he said around a mouthful. 
Stravo sighed and resigned himself to buying another box tomorrow. 

"Mr. Mortis," a third voice said. "Rigor mortis, Mr. Happy, flesh rocket, 
pitching a tent, purple-headed yogurt slinger-" 

"Cyran," Stravo said. 

Several clangs came from inside the nuke, which the two black mages had 
dragged back up to the apartment, saying that a nuke was a terrible thing 
to waste. A moment later, Cyran poked his head out. 

"Yo," he said. 

"What are you doing?" 

"Just working on this baby," he said. "I know I can get her back up to 
sixty megatons if I get this one part back in place." 

"But what's with rattling off penis nicknames?" 

"Oh, that. It helps me concentrate." Cyran's head disappeared back inside 
the nuke. 

"Cockrocket," he said a moment later. "Wang, willy, hoohoodly." 

Stravo sighed. It was going to be a long day. "Dalton." 

"I 'i'n't 'o 't!" 

"Swallow, Rob." 

Dalton took a gulp. "What is it?" 

"Rob, check off the names on this list, all right?" 

"Uh, okay." 

"Kuja's in the kitchen washing his burns." 

"Check." 

"Zaia's in there to make sure he doesn't pull another nuclear prank or get 
drunk off my beer." 

"Check." 

"Cyran's in the nuke, doing god-knows-what and belting out synonyms for the 
male anatomy." 

"Redwood, woody woopecker," Cyran said right on cue. 

"Check." 

"You and me are here, counting folks and eating my donuts." 

"Check...yum." 

"So Rob, where's the El-tee?" 

Dalton's hand froze en route to the box of donuts. Slowly, he looked up at 
Stravo. "Insane?" he tried. 

"Cute Rob, but you know that's not what I mean." 

"I don't know." 

"Does that frighten you as much as it does me?" Dalton shuddered and 
crammed another donut into his mouth. "I guess so." He turned towards the 
kitchen. "Hey, Zaia?" 

"Just a second!" 

"Dick, dork, one-eyed monster, the impregnator" Cyran said. 

She appeared a few moments later, looking more than a little disheveled. 
"What's up?" 

"What the hell-" 

"Never mind that," she said. "What's going on? 

"You've got the El-tee's number, right?" 

She stared at him. "I've never threatened- 

"I mean his PHONE number." 

"Oh, that. Yeah." 

"Can you call him?" 

"Sure thing." She found her cell phone and turned it on. 

"Prick." 

She looked up. "What?" 

"Hairy canary." 

Stravo kicked the side of the nuke. There was a loud clang and Cyran 
suddenly swore in florid Buffaloian style. "Cock ass Dolphin fucking slut 
Cowboy bitch shit Gregg Williams!" 

"Shut up!" Stravo snapped, and the torrent of verbal abuse ceased. Zaia 
quietly dialed and listened for a moment. 

"It's busy," she finally said. "He must be using his head for something 
else." 

"I don't know weather to laugh at that or be even more afraid," Stravo 
commented. Dalton grabbed, crammed, chewed, and gulped. Kuja walked in from 
the kitchen. Actually, walked wasn't exactly the right word. Sauntered was 
more like it. 

"So what's up?" he asked. Stravo informed him. He shrugged lazily. "Ah, 
that's no big deal. I can track him down." 

"You can?" Stravo asked. 

"You bet. It'll be easier than a ten-dollar whore at a truckers' 
convention." 

Zaia rolled her eyes. 

"Boner, erector, arrow of love," Cyran contributed.


 Chapter 32: Flames and the Flaming Flamers Who Flame Them 


"So where are we going?" Stravo asked. 

Kuja jerked a thumb at Cyran, then at himself. "We," he said with emphasis, 
"are going to meet a contact with the underground. You are going to wait 
outside. Comprende?" 

"Is this guy really going to know where Hit-man went?" Zaia asked. 

"It's worth a shot," Cyran said. "And if he doesn't, there's more people we 
could ask." 

It wasn't a very long walk, but in the crowded streets of Manhattan on a 
warm Sunday morning, it seemed longer. Kuja and Cyran stopped in front of a 
building and muttered a few words between themselves. "This is it," Kuja 
announced. "You three wait here. We'll only be a few minutes." 

"This old place?" Dalton said, looking up at the dilapidated building. 

"Rob, sometimes it's better to just not ask," Cyran said. 


The two black mages climbed the stairs until they were near the top of the 
building. Finally, they arrived at a level that had never really been put 
to use. Various construction materials lay everywhere, but the building's 
metal beams were all that stood upright. Most of the windows were boarded 
up and allowed only a tiny amount of sunlight through. "Verilon?" Kuja 
asked. A sudden hiss silenced him. 

A cloud of darkness began to congeal in front of the two mages. "What is it 
you want?" a voice hissed. "You've interrupted my sleep, so it had better 
be worth-" 

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Cyran muttered. He stooped and picked up a brick, 
then hurled it through the cloud. 

"OW!" the voice said, and the cloud quickly collapsed into the image of a 
man holding his temple. "What the hell was that for?!" he snapped. 

"We're on a limited schedule, Ver," Kuja said. "We don't have time for your 
little displays. Now, have you heard anything about the El-tee recently?" 

The daywalker snarled and revealed his fangs. "You toss a brick at me and 
then you want information? Go to hell." He turned around. 

"Don't walk away from me, Verilon," Kuja said. The vampire turned. 

"What are you going to do? I'm a vampire! You can't hurt me!" He indicated 
the spot on his head where the brick had nailed him. The small cut was 
already gone. 

The two black mages exchanged a glance. "Difficulties are lessons," Kuja 
recited, raising his arm. 

"Obstacles are challenges," Cyran added, also raising his arm. 

"Impossibilities are invitations," Kuja finished. "FIRE THREE!" they said 
together. A massive ball of flame erupted from their palms and slammed into 
Verilon. Instantly, the vampire was engulfed in orange flames. He screeched 
and dropped to the floor to begin rolling. 

"Didn't you ever play Final Fantasy, fangboy?" Cyran taunted. "Vampires are 
weak against fire magic!" The two mages turned and left just as Verilon 
slammed into a pole. The weakened support collapsed, and all the levels 
above came crashing down on top of the poor bloodsucker. 

"That'll keep him busy for a few days," Kuja said. 


"What the hell just happened?" Dalton said as they exited. 

"Don't ask," Kuja said. "On to the next contact." 


The next stop was cleaner than the previous, but not for lack of trying. 
Dirty clothes, old computer magazines, and computer parts littered the rug. 
The lights were dim. The room's long occupant sat hunched over a monitor 
currently displaying the infamous Blue Screen of Doom. "Fucking Windows XP 
spyware," the operator said to himself. 

Kuja threw the door open. "Yo Crayz!" he said loudly. "We're here." 

Crayz jumped high enough to check the wattage in the ceiling light. "Don't 
do that!" he said as he landed. "This is very delicate equipment!" 

"Yeah, sure. Did I hurt your porn stash? Or was it your fantasy football 
team?" 

"It wasn't either of those, it was-" Crayz's face turned beet red. "You'd 
better have a good reason for coming here!" he said. 

Kuja waved a roll of bills. "Hit-man," he said. "Where is he?" 

Crayz gestured to the locked-up computer. "I can't help you." 

"Well then," Kuja said. "You're useless, aren't you?" As he turned to 
leave, Cyran caught his eye. Kuja chuckled. 


Zaia nearly had a heart attack when she heard shattering glass followed by 
a scream. Looking up, she saw a burning human figure falling from one of 
the apartment building's windows and into the Hudson River. She shuddered. 
"Do you think Kuja and Cyran-" she started. 

"Absolutely," Dalton said. Stravo turned to see the two of them coming out 
the main entrance. 

"What the hell-" 

"Don't. Ask." 


The elevator delivered Kuja and Cyran to their third and final contact. It 
opened up into a luxurious restaurant straight out of Matrix: Reloaded. At 
the center table was a bearded man and several bodyguards. "Hey Raoul," 
Kuja said. "Long time." 

"Not long enough," Raoul Duke Jr. muttered. He watched the two mages yank a 
pair of seats out and drop into them. "So, Mister Kuja. What can I refuse 
to do for you today?" 

"Stop your grandstanding. We want to know where Hit-man is." 

"Out of his mind, most likely," Raoul said, pouring himself a glass of 
wine. 

CYRAN: Yeah, but that's not what we mean. 

*KUJA turns to look at him* 

"Did something just happen?" he asked. 

"Yeah," Cyran said. "Felt kind of weird-" 

"Yes, yes, yes it's all very weird," Raoul said brusquely. "Now will you 
two gentlemen please make yourselves go away and cease interrupting my 
day?" 

Kuja didn't budge. "You know Raoul, you've got one heck of a chip on your 
shoulder that I'd like to knock off," he said. 

Raoul wiped his mouth and rose. "You're welcome to try," he said. 

Kuja pushed his chair out noisily and stood. With a flick of his fingers, a 
ball of fire appeared in his hand. "Last chance, bro," he said. 

"I'm not your bud, pal, bro, or any other term you might use to suggest 
familiarity," Raoul snapped. 

Kuja shrugged. "Have it your way, then." He chucked the fireball , hitting 
Raoul squarely in the chest. Almost immediately, the fire went out. "What 
the hell?" 

Raoul grinned smugly. "Magic-retardant long johns, of course." 

"Dude!" Kuja said. "That's not cool." 

CYRAN: Hey Kuja? 

KUJA: Yeah? 

CYRAN: He's got a beard. 

KUJA: Dude, that's cool! 

RAOUL: Merde. 

*CUT TO the others on the sidewalk* 

DALTON: See, it was this miniature Idiom Switch the whole time! 

STRAVO: Why do you carry that thing around, Rob? 

DALTON: Keeps things interesting, I guess. 

ZAIA: I wish they'd finish whatever they're blowing up and get back down 
here. They're wasting time. 

*CUT TO: the now completely trashed restaurant. Virtually everything is 
scorched and a few people huddle under tables* 

KUJA: Well that was fun. 

CYRAN: Yeah, and we even found out where the El-tee is! 

KUJA: Yeah, once Raoul warms up a bit, he's a pretty talkative guy, isn't 
he? Let's go. 

*on their way down the stairs, KUJA sees a white cat* 

KUJA: Hey, don't look now! Look at him! Furry guy! Looks kind of flammable! 

CYRAN: Oh, flammable? I LIKE flammable. What do we do? 

*KUJA pulls out a tank of kerosene* 

KUJA: Come here, furry guy... 

SINGULAR QUARTET: You must think I'm really stupid. 

KUJA: I've got cat food. 

QUARTET: Where?! 

*he dashes over. CUT TO the sidewalk as QUARTET burst through the main 
lobby doors yammering his head off and engulfed in flames. A nearby WOMAN 
grabs her cell phone* 

WOMAN: Hello, police? I'd like to report a low-flying meteor! 

*QUARTET disappears into a nearby alley as KUJA and CYRAN exit, laughing 
their heads off* 

ZAIA: You didn't...did you? 

BOTH: DON'T ASK! 

STRAVO: Wait a second, shouldn't this have been named The Search Begins, 
Part 2? 

KUJA: Technically yeah, but I liked this better.


Part 33A: GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE! 


*rapid zoom-in on Earth. A Delta Flyer is desperately evading laser blasts 
from AYA'S X-wing. The Flyer fires its rear phasers, but does not come even 
close to scoring a hit. The X-wing fires back and nails the Flyer in its 
engines. AYA peels off and watches the Flyer tumble into the Earth's 
atmosphere. CUT TO the cockpit of the Delta Flyer as consoles begin frying* 

METRION CASCADE: Shit! 

*the Delta Flyer glows red and begins to shake apart before detonating in 
the upper atmosphere. CUT TO AYA'S cockpit as he begins laughing* 

AYA: Chalk up another one. Heh. Hehehe. Ahahahahahaa! Boy, with all this 
fun I'm having, you'd almost think I was being set up for something! 

*he throws his head back and laughs. CUT TO the exterior of his ship as it 
slams into an asteroid and explodes* 



Part 33B: MORE SENSELESS VIOLENCE! 



KUJA: Hey, guess what! 

VERILON: I hate guessing games. 

KUJA: I'm twenty! 

VERILON: Oh, great. *mutters* Damn people reaching twenty before I do. 

2000AD: Ha hah! Poor Americans! If you lived in the UK, you could drink 
legally the way I do! Sucks to be you, huh? 

*VERILON and KUJA look at each other* 

VERILON: Get him. 

*they rush 2000AD and flatten him. KUJA drops to his knees and begins 
punching him in the head. VERILON begins kicking him in the groin over and 
over* 

2000AD: Ow! Ow! Ow! HELP! 

CYRAN: Wait, guys! You can't do this? 

KUJA: Why not? 

*CYRAN whips out a baseball bat with a couple nails in it* 

CYRAN: You don't have the proper tools! 

2000AD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! 

*they hammer on 2000AD until he shuts the hell up* 



Part 33C: WOOOOOO! 


WEEMADANDO: Damn trolls! Die! 

*he runs through a pack of trolls and slices them all up with a huge 
battle-ax. Lots of splattery gore* 

LT: Ando, you can't keep this up forever. 

ANDO: Why not? 

LT: Well&you really wanna end up like him? 

MKSHEPPARD: DIE MECHA, DIE DIE DIE! 

ANDO: Sure. Beats ending up like him. 

EINHANDER: I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE! HE-Y! 

*HIT-MAN shudders* 

LT: Good point. Oh, watch out! 

*he whips out a pistol and fires it into a troll that was sneaking up on 
ANDO. Brains spray everywhere* 

ANDO: KILL THE TROLLS! 

*they wade into an army of trolls and slaughter them* 



Part 33D: The Explanation 


*fade in on STRAVO and DALTON reading a script with horrified expressions* 

STRAVO: What the fuck is this? It's got more brain-dead violence than House 
of 1000 Corpses! 

DALTON: And it doesn't even have a plot at all! Hell, the new Texas 
Chainsaw Massacre had more of a plot than this! What the hell's gone wrong 
with Kuja? 

STRAVO: Let's find out. 

*he picks up the phone and dials a number* 

STRAVO: Buffalo Psychiatric Institute for the Permanently Unbalanced? 
What's he doing there? What do you mean, steady diet of action movies and 
violent games? What have you people DONE to him? Oh, he did it himself, I 
get it. You're giving him dangerously high doses of Valium? Yeah, that'll 
probably do it. OK, good luck with the extra straightjackets. Yeah. 

*he hangs up* 

DALTON: Burn it? 

STRAVO: Burn it. 

*DALTON sets fire to the papers and accidentally burns the desk down* 

DALTON: Whoops.


 Part 34: I'll Worm My Way Into Your Dreams 



*open up on deep space* 

KUJA (vo): In A.D. 2101... 

*the camera pans to reveal a reddish-brown spaceship* 

KUJA (vo): War was beginning. 

*an explosion erupts from inside the ship. CUT TO: the bridge of the ship* 

STRAVO: What happen? 

DALTON: Somebody set us up the bomb. 

CYRAN: We get signal! 

STRAVO: What! 

CYRAN: Main screen turn on. 

*an image of LT. HIT-MAN materializes* 

STRAVO: It's you! 

LT: Greetings, gentlemen! All your base are belong to us. You are on the 
way to destruction. 

*STRAVO pounds his fist on the deck* 

STRAVO: What you say! 

LT: You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha. 

*his image disappears. STRAVO assumes a thoughtful pose* 

DALTON: Captain, what we do? 

STRAVO: You know what you doing. Take off every 'Zig'! 

*an image of a fighter appears on the main screen* 

STRAVO: For great justice. 

*he blinks* 

STRAVO: Wait a minute, something's wrong here. People don't talk like this! 
And where am I? I'm supposed to be in New York doing my job, not in deep 
space fighting a war! 

ZAIA (vo): Stravo? 

STRAVO: Zaia? Where are you? 

ZAIA: Stravo, can you hear me? 

STRAVO: Yes, where are you? 

*fade to black and zoom out of STRAVO'S pupil as he lays on the sidewalk. 
He suddenly shakes his head* 

DALTON: Hey, hey, easy! You OK? 

STRAVO: Yeah, what happen? I mean, what's going on? 

ZAIA: You caught a bit of collateral damage. 

STRAVO: From what? 

*she looks over at CYRAN and KUJA, both of whom hide a baseball bat behind 
their backs* 

BOTH: WE DIDN'T DO IT! 

STRAVO: *grunts* Well, that tells me just about all I need to know. 

*he stands* 

DALTON: You sure you okay? 

STRAVO: Agh! 

ZAIA: What? What is it? 

STRAVO: It's just that...I had this terrible dream...I was in charge of 
this junk heap of a spaceship...and there was a war...and things got blown 
up...and everyone talked really freakin' weird! 

*out in the street, a cab suddenly has a head-on collision with a car. Both 
drivers get out* 

NYC DRIVER: You is one hella dead muthafuka! I's is gonna cram my fist up 
yo ass so hard, you's is gonna be tastin' knuckle! 

CAB DRIVER: Oh sir please be believing me when I say to you that it was an 
accident! I am just arrive in this city and am not meaning to disobey the 
directions of driving here! 

STRAVO: ...on second thought, it wasn't all that weird. 

KUJA: Yeah, you'd have to be pretty strange to beat out folks here on Terra 
Firma. 

ZAIA: *mutters* With you being the principle example. 

KUJA: What? 

ZAIA: I said that when it comes to folks on Terra Firma, you're a fine 
example. 

*KUJA beams* 

ZAIA: Now can we get back to what we were doing? 

STRAVO: Right...where were we going? 

DALTON: Central Park. 

STRAVO: OK, I'm good. 



Meanwhile, in an area of New York State that was unaffected by Dalton's 
Idiom Switch for some technobabblish reason, a group of hooded and cloaked 
figures riding black horses stopped at a gas station. The attendant, 
although nervous, came out to ask what they needed. A bag of gold coins 
suddenly hit the ground at his feet. As he stared at it, astonished, one of 
them hissed "Maaaanhaaaaataaaan...Straaaaaavo."


 Part 35: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over! 


*OPEN UP on a sidewalk* 

CYRAN: Hey Stravo? 

STRAVO: What? 

CYRAN: Nevermind. 

STRAVO: Okay. 

*silence* 

CYRAN: Hey, Stravo? 

STRAVO: Yeah? 

CYRAN: Nothing. 

*STRAVO sighs* 

CYRAN: Hey Strav- 

STRAVO: WHAT DO YOU WANT?! 

*a moment of shocked silence. CYRAN curls up into a ball and begins 
sobbing* 

KUJA: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! 

STRAVO: But I- 

ZAIA: Was that shouting really necessary? 

STRAVO: But, but, but, but- 

DALTON: Great one! I didn't know you could do sputtering engines! Hey, what 
do you think of my noisy carburetor? 

*he starts to inhale* 

KUJA: Stravo, apologize to Cyran before he drowns us all! 

STRAVO: Okay, okay! I'm sorry, Cyran. 

*CYRAN stands up, totally calm* 

CYRAN: Sure thing. 

STRAVO: Wait a minute...that was a trick, wasn't it?! 

*both Black Mages dissolve into laughter. STRAVO turns red* 

STRAVO: Assholes... 

ZAIA: Looks like somebody needs a hug. 

*the laughter disappears as ZAIA hugs STRAVO. STRAVO looks over at KUJA and 
CYRAN to see both of them wearing hoods and KUJA holding a noose* 

KUJA: Death... 

*STRAVO blinks and shakes his head. KUJA and CYRAN go back to normal* 

VOICE: I beg your pardon, brother. Can you help me? 

DALTON: *turns* Sure, what do you-oh my GOD! 

*camera pans to reveal a batch of Warhammer 40,000 SPACE MARINES standing 
on the sidewalk and towering over DALTON* 

CAPTAIN: My brothers and I require your aid. We have been endeavoring to 
reach Times Square, but upon the way, have become lost. In the name of the 
Emperor, will you lend us your wisdom? 

DALTON: Uh...sure thing. 

*several minutes pass as DALTON gives directions* 

CAPTAIN: Many thanks, brother Rob! May the Emperor of Man watch over you! 

DALTON: Uh- 

CAPTAIN: Now, to Times Square! 

*the SPACE MARINES charge off* 

STRAVO: Um, did anything about that seem&weird&to you guys? 

KUJA: Besides the fact that a bunch of ten-foot-tall cyborg religious 
zealots with weaponry that's a few tens of millennia ahead of ours are 
running around New York? 

STRAVO: No, that's what I meant. 

ZAIA: Not to change the subject, but does anyone hear that? 

CYRAN: You mean the screaming, shouting, and shattering? 

ZAIA: Yeah. Sounds like it's coming from around the corner. 

*they look around the corner to realize that the riot from yesterday is 
still going on* 

DALTON: What the hell? Is that King Steve's? 

KUJA: I think 'was' is a better term. 

CYRAN: Hey, look at that! 

*CYRAN points to a bunch of freakish green creatures in medieval armor 
running around and smashing things* 

KUJA: Those are Uruk-hai! 

STRAVO: But what the hell are they doing here? 

CYRAN: Maybe they came out of that blackish-holey-looking thing? 

*he points up at a giant portal in the sky* 

KUJA: Um...that's not good. 

ZAIA: What IS it? 

STRAVO: Whatever it is, it's not good. Let's grab the El-Tee and get to the 
bottom of this. 

KUJA: Death... 

STRAVO: WHAT?! 

KUJA: I said right! Brother! 

*CUT TO the middle of the riot* 

NITRAM: I say, Wilson, that's a fine lead pipe you're carrying! 

WILSON: Why, thank you! *he pulls out a credit card* I bought it using my 
new credit card! It has a jolly good low rate! 

*NITRAM pulls out his own card* 

NITRAM: But is it a low FIXED rate like my Capital One no-hassle card? 

WILSON: My word! Low and fixed? But...what's going to happen to MY rate? 

*the RINGWRAITHS ride by. One of them grabs WILSON and hauls him off as 
they do so* 

NITRAM: Poor chap. 

*close in on a RINGWRAITH* 

RINGWRAITH: Whaaaat'ssssss iiiiinnnnn YOOOUUUUUUURRRRRR waaaaaallllllleet?


 Part 36: Chases and monologues...just like Shakespeare! 



*OPEN UP on a New York jewelry store. The front window shatters as a rock 
flies through it and a bunch of guys dressed in ragged clothing and 
carrying sacks of jewelry burst out* 

PIRATE: Arrrrrrrrrrrr! 

*they run off. The OWNER runs out carrying a sawed-off shotgun* 

OWNER: Get back here! 

*he chases them down the block* 

STRAVO: Is it me, or is this getting weirder with every passing minute? 

KUJA AND CYRAN: It's you. 

STRAVO: Oh. Hey, wait a sec- 

*KUJA and CYRAN burst out laughing* 

KUJA: Seriously though, this IS getting pretty weird, even by my standards. 

DALTON: I'm willing to bet is has something to do with that big portal 
there. 

*he gestures to the massive portal hanging in the sky. It suddenly glows a 
bit and ejects some objects that fall towards Manhattan and land far away. 
This is accompanied by a sound curiously similar to massive flatulence* 

ZAIA: That was pleasant. 

DALTON: Uh, Cyran? 

CYRAN: Yeah? 

DALTON: What's that you're carrying? 

CYRAN: Nothing. 

DALTON: All right then, what's that you're DRAGGING? 

CYRAN: Nothing. 

KUJA: Looks like a really big gun to me... 

STRAVO: Cyran. You didn't steal a gun from the Space Marines, did you?! 

VOICE: BETRAYAL! HERETICS! 

CYRAN: Well, it was hanging in a back holster and it wasn't secured and it 
was just begging to be picked up- 

KUJA: No time for explanations! Run! 

*the group scatters as the SPACE MARINES run on and begin chasing them 
around. ZAIA and STRAVO run left to right, chased by a pair of MARINES. 
KUJA and CYRAN run right to left, chased by another pair. ROB runs on, 
opens up a door and slams it behind him. The MARINE behind him smashes 
right through. ZAIA and STRAVO run right to left, still being chased. KUJA 
and CYRAN run on from right, get halfway across, and start doing hopscotch. 
The MARINES chasing them stop, look at each other, shrug, and do hopscotch 
as well. They all go off left. A trio of frightened MARINES run on from 
right, being chased by ROB SMASH. KUJA runs on with CYRAN on his shoulders. 
The MARINES chasing them do same. KUJA leads them under a streetlight and 
the top MARINE bashes his head on it. STRAVO and a MARINE run on being 
chased by ZAIA and another MARINE. Blond MARINA prances across, closely 
pursued by about a dozen MARINES. Action continues as GOLLUM slinks on, 
crouches at the front of an alleyway, and proceeds to talk to himself* 

GOLLUM: Stupid, fat, hobbitses. We hates them, oh yes, my love, we hates 
them. They treats us like shits, they do. Stupid fucking hobbitses. They 
make Smeagol's life terrible. They play their stupid fucking music and make 
Smeagol's ears hurt. They drinks their cheap beer and get smashed and piss 
in Smeagol's pool. And they fucks like rabbitses! They come to Smeagol's 
cave and set up a red light district! Now Smeagol never gets any sleep! We 
hates them, yes, yes! Gollum, gollum! Stupid fucking hobbitses! Smeagol 
wakes up at night to hear stupid hobbitses yelling 'coming, coming!' and 
Smeagol tells them to go the fuck aways, but stupid hobbitses keep yelling 
'coming, coming!' And Smeagol waits, but they never show up. Stupid fucking 
hobbitses. Gollum, gollum! Smeagol will show them! Smeagol sent their 
favorite brothel a pipe bomb! Now they knows who is master! 

*he stops to realize that the entire squad of MARINES is staring at him* 

GOLLUM: Sorry. Smeagol will go now? 

*he slinks off, still muttering to himself* 

KUJA: NOW! 

*the MARINES look up to see ROB SMASH leap from the top of the building* 

MARINE: WATCH OUT! 

*they panic and start to scatter, but ROB squashes the entire squad* 

CYRAN: Whew. That was close. 

*KUJA takes hold of CYRAN and beats him a bit* 

KUJA: Next time you steal a weapon from a bunch of ultra-powered maniacs, 
YOU WARN ME ABOUT IT! 

CYRAN: OKAY, OKAY!


 Part 37: Toho's Counterattack 


*rapid zoom-in on a NYC building to focus on an upper-story window. CUT TO: 
inside the building, specifically, a lavish penthouse suite. An Asian-
looking man wearing dark sunglasses stands at the window. Another man, also 
wearing sunglasses, enters the room* 

MAN: Greetings, Captain. Did you have a good trip? 

CAPTAIN: I'm totally exhausted, Commander. These human planes are horrible. 
One minute in them is worse than a hundred years of space travel. They're 
so unstable, they shake like they're ready to fall apart! 

COMMANDER: Yes, we're aware of their limitations- 

CAPTAIN: And the tightness! A cryopod has more elbow room than one of their 
seats! 

COMMANDER: Yes, I- 

CAPTAIN: And their food! I'd rather consume Deraktix poison than eat the- 

COMMANDER: CAPTAIN! 

*the CAPTAIN composes himself* 

CAPTAIN: I apologize. Does everything proceed on schedule? 

COMMANDER: Yes. We will be ready to strike before day's end. 

*the CAPTAIN moves to look out the window again* 

CAPTAIN: New York City... 

COMMANDER: Yes Captain, the 'Big Apple' will be excellent. As human cities 
go, it's a perfect blending of pollution, confusion, and corruption. 

CAPTAIN: We'll crush New York into the dirt. Then we'll rebuild it to our 
exacting specifications. 

*he smiles* 

CAPTAIN: The earthlings won't know what hit them! 

*both men laugh as we CUT TO: the interior of a submarine* 

SONAR OFFICER: Sir, I'm picking something up. 

CAPTAIN: What? 

SONAR: A blip, sir. 

CAPTAIN: Oh, that's not too serious…*he thinks for a moment* Wait, is this 
a blip, or is it a...'blip'? 

SONAR: Um...I think it qualifies as a 'blip', sir. 

CAPTAIN: Sound battle stations! Helm, get us pointed towards that thing! 
Weapons, I want torpedo tubes one and two loaded, flooded, and ready to 
fire! 

*zoom in on two crew members* 

CREW ONE: Ever get the impression that the Navy's lowered its standards 
recently? 

CREW TWO: No, why? 

*zoom out* 

SONAR: Sir, it's closing on us! 

CAPTAIN: Fire! 

*a pair of rumbles. The scene shakes a bit* 

SONAR: Torpedoes closing, sir. 

CAPTAIN: What?! When did they fire? 

SONAR: No sir, ours. 

CAPTAIN: Oh thank God. 

SONAR: 3...2...1...direct impact! 

CAPTAIN: Did we get 'em? 

SONAR: Looks like it, Captain! 

*the scene rumbles a bit. Water suddenly starts pouring in. The SONAR 
OFFICER suddenly looks guiltily at his Game Boy Advance* 

SONAR: Or maybe I was playing too much Lady Sia and forgot to watch my 
screen. 

*CUT TO: the water outside as the sub is crunched by an unseen force. CUT 
TO: the sidewalks of NYC, where CYRAN is attempting to stuff the stolen 
Marine gun into his bag* 

STRAVO: Cyran, you managed to fit a full-size refrigerator in there. How 
can you possibly be having trouble with a gun? 

CYRAN: Well, it's all part of the laws of mysticism. 

DALTON: OK, again. With the help files. 

CYRAN: You tell them, Kuj. 

KUJA: As you well know, the majority of fantasy or role-playing games, 
especially the Final Fantasy series (long may it live) allow groups to 
carry ludicrous amounts of equipment and medicines. 

*ALL make affirmative responses* 

KUJA: But at the same time, a character can only equip one or two weapons 
at a time. And some characters can't equip certain types of weapons. Like, 
in the original Final Fantasy (hallowed be thy name) a fighter can't use a 
staff and a black mage can't use an axe. 

ZAIA: Okay, but what does this have to do with Cyran shoving his gun in a 
bag? 

DALTON: That SO did not sound right. 

ZAIA: Oh, thank you for that lovely response. 

DALTON: Well, if you wouldn't- 

KUJA: ANYWAY, what's happening here is a black mage attempting to make use 
of a heavy offensive weapon, something often unheard of in fantasy. 

STRAVO: But you guys were carry blaster rifles earlier& 

KUJA: True. But you see, a Space Marine Bolter is different because- 

DALTON: Is this going to involve technobabble? 

KUJA: Yes, but it's really more like wizobabble. 

DALTON: Then skip it. 

CYRAN: OK, I got it! 

*CYRAN hefts his bag* 

CYRAN: Let's go. 

*a sudden massive scream* 

STRAVO: What the hell was that? 

CYRAN: Look! Look up there! 

*CUT TO the penthouse suite* 

CAPTAIN: Go, Mechagodzilla! 

*CUT TO outside as MECHAGODZILLA descends from the sky and sets down on a 
street* 

KUJA: Oh, shit. 

*MECHAGODZILLA raises one arm and sets himself. His hand rotates, then 
suddenly stops and fires off a series of finger-rockets that devastate the 
block in front of him* 

ZAIA: Guys, do something! 

KUJA: Are you kidding?! 

CYRAN: We're black mages, not giant-monster fighters! 

*MECHAGODZILLA fires his eye beams and wipes out another city block. People 
begin to panic and stampede away. Curiously, all of them are Japanese* 

KUJA: The only one who could do anything would be- 

*a very familiar bellow. A dark form rises at the southern end of 
Manhattan* 

STRAVO: It's- 

DALTON: It's- 

ZAIA: It's- 

CYRAN: It's- 

*KUJA moves his lips. A moment later, the voice-over kicks in* 

KUJA: GODZILLA! 

*GODZILLA roars and stomps forward, tail swiping back and forth behind him. 
MECHAGODZILLA turns to face him. GODZILLA stops and does some arm-waving 
and growling* 

CAPTAIN: Kill him, Mechagodzilla! 

*MECHAGODZILLA raises both arms and fires off a fusillade of rockets that 
detonate both on and around GODZILLA. GODZILLA roars in pain and falls, but 
his fins glow and he opens up with his fire breath as he hits the ground, 
catching MECHAGODZILLA in the shoulder. Sparks erupt* 

DALTON: They're going to level the whole city! 

STRAVO: Dunno, might actually be an improvement. 

DALTON: You can't be serious! 

STRAVO: Well, just think...there would be plenty of parking for once! 

DALTON: Hey, good point... 

ZAIA: Can't we do ANYTHING? 

KUJA: I, for one, suggest getting as far away as possible. 

CYRAN: Seconded. 

ZAIA: Cowards. 

KUJA: Not at all. Godzilla and company just have a tendency to cause a lot 
of collateral damage wherever they go- 

*GODZILLA stands and bellows, then charges forward, slamming MECHAGODZILLA 
into another building. MECHAGODZILLA fires his eye beams wildly* 

KUJA: -and I'd rather not be caught in it. 

VOICE: Don't give up hope just yet! 

KUJA: Huh? 

STRAVO: Who? 

LT: It's me! 

*HIT-MAN steps out from around the corner* 

CYRAN: El-tee! 

STRAVO: Where the hell have you been? 

LT: Over by the oven. 

DALTON: ...what? 

LT: Never mind. Just follow me. I know who's controlling Mechagodzilla! 

*GODZILLA tackles MECHAGODZILLA a second time and wipes out a few more 
buildings* 

CYRAN: Who is it? 

LT: Aliens! Who else? 

KUJA: Well, there actually was one time in the series when- 

CYRAN: Shut up, Mister Know-it-all! 

KUJA: Make me, Mister Janeway's Boyfriend! 

CYRAN: I AM NOT HER BOYFRIEND! YOU TRICKED ME INTO GIVING HER A PICKUP 
LINE! 

KUJA: *smugly* Yes. Indeed I did. 

CYAN: ...asshole. 

ZAIA: *with resignation* And the ego crushes yet another potential 
obstacle. 

LT: 'Scuse me, people? Aliens? Monsters? Crushing the city? Gotta stop 
them? 

KUJA: Oh, right. 

STRAVO: Sorry El-tee, it's just way too easy to get sidetracked with their 
lovers' spats. 

KUJA AND CYRAN: FUCK YOU! 

*fade out*


 Sort of an Interlude But Not Really: The Chaos Friends! 


ANNOUNCER: They are four. Four beings of death and destruction. Four 
creatures of famine and decay. Four monsters dedicated to bringing down the 
universe as we know it. They are the four Chaos Gods: Slaanesh, Tzeentch, 
Khorne, and Nurgle. And now, they have been brought to modern-day New York 
City...to face the challenges of everyday life! They are&the Chaos Friends! 

*open up on a lavish penthouse suite. SLAANESH is brewing a pot of coffee. 
KHORNE storms in one door, then out another. SLAANESH finishes the brewing 
and gulps down the entire pot, then shudders* 

SLAANESH: No sin, no sacrament greater than Maxwell House coffee...aaaah. 

KHORNE: Hey orgasm boy! 

SLAANESH: *annoyed* What? 

KHORNE: You seen my favorite tie? 

SLAANESH: No, why? 

KHORNE: I've got a job interview! 

SLAANESH: Good. Just make sure you don't kill and devour this one. 

*laugh track* 

*SLAANESH goes to make more coffee while KHORNE storms in and looks around 
again* 

KHORNE: Damn it, I know I left it somewhere around- 

*TZEENTCH leaps into the room* 

TZEENTCH: *in a way too flamboyant voice* Hello, everyone! 

*applause* 

KHORNE: You're entirely too happy...what've you done this time? 

TZEENTCH: I remodeled your bedroom, Khorne! 

SLAANESH: *to himself* First, panic. 

KHORNE: You WHAT?! 

SLAANESH: Then, denial. 

KHORNE: You couldn't have done it again...you did it last week, for hell's 
sake! 

SLAANESH: And finally...anger. 

KHORNE: If you messed it up, I'm gonna slaughter you! 

*KHORNE dashes off. TZEENTCH goes to sit at the table* 

TZEENTCH: I was really inspired- 

SLAANESH: Spare me. No, on second thought, don't. 

*he gulps down the second pot of coffee* 

SLAANESH: Ahhhhh... 

*laugh track* 

KHORNE: AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!!! 

TZEENTCH: Oh, I think he likes it! 

*laugh track* 

KHORNE: YOU TURNED MY BEDROON INTO A CIRCUS TENT! 

TZEENTCH: With clowns! 

KHORNE: I HATE CLOWNS! 

SLAANESH: Here comes the hurricane. 

*laugh track* 

*KHORNE bursts in with an axe* 

TZEENTCH: But all I did was some rearranging! 

KHORNE: I'm gonna rearrange your face! 

*he chases TZEENTCH around the room and finally into the closet. KHORNE 
slams to door on TZEENTCH* 

TZEENTCH: But I want to come out! 

KHORNE: Then change your mind! If you have one. 

*laugh track* 

*NURGLE enters, holding his midsection* 

NURGLE: I don't feel too good... 

KHORNE: Yeah, what else is new? 

NURGLE: No, like, extra not good. 

*KHORNE turns* 

KHORNE: You don't mean- 

NURGLE: Ooooohhh...here it comes. 

KHORNE: NO! NOT ON THE COUCH! 

*NURGLE pukes all over the white couch* 

KHORNE: I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE MY INTERVIEW THERE, MORON! 

SLAANESH: Nurgle, maybe you should just stay in the bathroom. 

NURGLE: Okay... 

*he starts to walk out, but only gets as far as the corner before he throws 
up again. And we're talking full-on projectile vomiting here, folks. That 
corner's gonna need new paint* 

KHORNE: OUT! GET OUT! 

NURGLE: Okay...uh oh. 

*he runs for the bathroom. SLAANESH follows and the sound of massive 
flatulence emanates from the doorway* 

KHORNE: Oh man...he was eating pizza and anchovies before bed again! 

*laugh track* 

*SLAANESH enters* 

KHORNE: Tell me he made it...please. 

SLAANESH: Well, he made it to the bathroom, just not to the toilet. 

KHORNE: THAT'S IT, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! 

*he whips out the axe* 

KHORNE: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! 

SLAANESH: Will you please stop referring to yourself like that, you 
egomaniac? 

KHORNE: Soul-guzzling queen! 

SLAANESH: It takes one to know one! 

KHORNE: Oh, how can this day get any worse? 

*the doorbell rings* 

*laugh track* 

KHORNE: Oh no...hide me! 

*SLAANESH Shoves KHORNE into the closet* 

TZEENTCH: Well, hello there! 

KHORNE: Keep your mouth shut and you won't lose it. 

*SLAANESH slams the door on both of them and goes to the front door* 

SLAANESH: Yes? 

MAN: We're here to see Tzeentch. Is he here, please? 

*cut to the closet* 

TZEENTCH: Oh, I knew I shouldn't have joined the Jehovah's Witnesses! I 
changed my mind ten minutes later! 

KHORNE: You're a damned idiot. 

*laugh track* 

*cut to the living room* 

SLAANESH: I'm sorry, you just missed him. 

WITNESS: Well then, would you be interested in- 

*SLAANESH slams the door* 

SLAANESH: I might be the god of Hedonism, but even I can't stand that 
stuff! 

*laugh track* 

SLAANESH: You two can come out of your love nest now! 

*KHORNE bursts out just ahead of TZEENTCH* 

KHORNE: For the last time, I will not wear that pink and purple dress! 
Whatever games your playing, I'm not interested! 

TZEENTCH: But it would look perfect with your- 

*doorbell* 

SLAANESH: Back in the closet! 

*laugh track* 

KHORNE: Fine. 

TZEENTCH: Oh, goody! 

*TZEENTCH goes in first, then KHORNE slams the door on him and boards it 
up* 

KHORNE: Muwhahahahahahaaa! 

SLAANESH: *sigh* 

*doorbell* 

KHORNE: All right, I'm coming! 

*he opens the door to see KUJA and CYRAN* 

KHORNE: Whaddaya want? 

KUJA: Hi, we're- 

KHORNE: We don't want any! 

*he slams the door* 

TZZENTCH: Such anger! 

KHORNE: YYYYAAAAARRRRRGH! HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THERE! 

TZEENTCH: Oh Khorne, you should know by now that I'm good at wriggling my 
way out of tight spaces! 

*applause* 

TZZENTCH: So, who's for ice cream? 

*sounds of NURGLE barfing* 

TZEENTCH: I'll take that as a yes. 

*cut to the hallway* 

KUJA: What the hell was that guy's problem? 

CYRAN: Fuck if I know. 

KUJA: Explosives? 

CYRAN: Explosives. 

*cut to the living room* 

TZEENTCH: Be back soon! 

*he goes to the door, which promptly explodes* 

KHORNE: YES! THERE IS A GOD! 

TZEENTCH: Well, that was unexpected. 

KHORNE: ...and he absolutely despises me. 

*applause. A hand shoves an Oscar into the screen* 

TZEENTCH: Thank you! You love me! You really love me! 

KHORNE: Somebody, please make it stop. 

*laugh track*


 Part 38: It's Like Killing Jesus 


DALTON: Any luck? 

KUJA: Nope. 

STRAVO: What was that explosion we heard? 

CYRAN: Probably from the little spat going on out there. 

*he gestures to the window, where GODZILLA and MECHAGODZILLA are still 
grappling* 

LT: So nobody found anything? 

ZAIA: No luck here. 

LT: Next floor! 

*they charge up the stairs* 

KUJA: Hey loot? 

LT: Yeah? 

KUJA: How many floors are there in this building? 

LT: Forty. 

KUJA: OK, so we're three-quarters done. Shouldn't take much- 

ZAIA: Er, that's a three, Kuj. Not a thirty. 

KUJA: ......boy, you know, I've got this pain in the leg- 

STRAVO: And I've got a pain in the back, and it's you. Now move it! 

*the group runs around the floor, opening and closing various doors, until 
CYRAN gets to one* 

CYRAN: Whoa! 

KUJA: What? 

CYRAN: C'mere! 

*KUJA runs over* 

KUJA: Dude. 

*a pair of hot women are all over each other in the middle of the room and 
haven't noticed the interruption. Quick zoom-in on KUJA'S face, kind of 
like Stifler's in American Pie 2* 

KUJA: ...lesbians! 

DALTON: Later, guys. We've got work to do. 

KUJA: But...dude! 

LT: Later! We're a little pressed for time, remember? 

*a thud. The building shakes a bit* 

KUJA: But...but...dude! 

DALTON: I know, but not now! 

*KUJA gesticulates wildly* 

KUJA: But...............dude! 

STRAVO: Kuj, later! 

KUJA: Screw all of you! 

*he attempts to barge in but is immediately wrestled down by the others. 
DALTON starts to close the door, takes one quick look, nods, then finishes* 

STRAVO: Calm down! 

KUJA: I can't! Two chicks at the same time! 

ZAIA: His brain's overloaded. 

CYRAN: I knew this would happen. 

LT: And you called him over anyway? 

ZAIA: I think that's WHY he called him over. 

CYRAN: Hehe. 

KUJA: I can't just walk away from this! It defies everything I stand for! 

DALTON: *snaps fingers* Hose. 

*STRAVO hands DALTON a hose and he promptly douses KUJA for a while* 

DALTON: Calm? 

KUJA: Yeah, I...lesbians! 

*another dousing* 

DALTON: Now? 

KUJA: Yeah. 

CYRAN: Hey, I can hear them talking. 

*cut to inside the room* 

GIRL 1: What's up? 

GIRL 2: Oh, I was just thinking how cool it would be if some guy in robes 
and a pointy hat with lots of supernatural powers joined us. 

GIRL 1: You fantasize way too much. 

GIRL 2: That's cause you don't fantasize enough. 

*sounds of a renewed struggle from the hall. The door shakes and there is 
that sound of crunching wood* 

GIRL 1: What was that? 

GIRL 2: Who cares? 

*cut to the hallway. KUJA is now bound, gagged, and wrapped in a burlap 
sack. His eyes dart back and forth and he continues trying to squirm 
towards the door* 

DALTON: Who carries him? 

STRAVO: You, Chewie. 

DALTON: Wha? 

LT: Yeah, it'd be perfect! Just like Chewie and 3PO in Empire Strikes Back! 

*they hoist KUJA and strap him to DALTON'S back* 

CYRAN: Here, I can even let his arm out- 

*KUJA'S arm shoots out and promptly grabs a handful of DALTON'S hair* 

DALTON: HHHHHHWWWWAAAAARRRRNNNNNNNNNN! 

LT: He even sounds like Chewie! 

*they stuff KUJA'S arm back in the sack and start off down the hall, KUJA 
muttering incoherent threats*


 Part 39: Stairs Suck 


*open up on the group dashing up a long series of stairs* 

KUJA: Mmf! Mmf! Mmf! Mmf! Mmf! 

CYRAN: Getting a bit motion sick, Kuj? 

KUJA: Mmrf. 

DALTON: Too bad! You brought it on yourself! 

CYRAN: Hey, I'd help you out, but I'm afraid you'd puke all over me. 

KUJA: Mmrf! 

CYRAN: Hehe. Sorry, you say something? 

KUJA: Mmrfmrph. 

CYRAN: Maybe I should take the gag out, oh wait, I can't right now. Sorry. 

KUJA: Mrrmph frgh mrrf! 

ZAIA: How much farther? 

LT: Top floor's twenty more stories! 

STRAVO: Why...can't...we...take...the...elevator? 

LT: It'll be rigged. 

STRAVO: How...do...you...know? 

LT: Elevators are always rigged. 

ZAIA: So why are we cutting right to the top? 

LT: Bad guys are always at the top! 

CYRAN: Yeah, to fuel their egos. 

ZAIA: Really? 

KUJA: Mmhm. 

STRAVO: How much...farther...now? 

LT: Nineteen stories to go, big guy. 

STRAVO: Not...gonna...make it. 

DALTON: You're gonna make it even if I have to haul your carcass up there! 

STRAVO: Okay... *he collapses* Drag me. 

DALTON: Asshole, you know I didn't mean that literally! 

STRAVO: Can't...take...another...step... 

DALTON: Cyran, you're up! 

CYRAN: Leave it to me! 

*CYRAN shocks STRAVO, who promptly jumps up and begins running again. 
Unnoticed, one tendril sets fire to the sack holding KUJA* 

KUJA: MMRF! MMF! 

DALTON: Shut up! 

*he smacks KUJA in the back of the head. The group continues running* 

ZAIA: For far do these bloody things go? 

LT: Ten more levels. 

STRAVO: Now...I know...what Hell's...got waiting...for me. 

DALTON: Heh. 

*cut to a door at the end of a hallway. The door bursts open and everyone 
barges out of the stairwell, breathing hard. STRAVO collapses again. ZAIA 
leans against the wall. KUJA, meanwhile, has worked a hole in the burned 
side of the bag and has his arm out, trying to swipe at CYRAN. Frustrated, 
KUJA pulls his arm back, rummages for a second, and then sticks it back out 
holding his sledgehammer. He aims and swings, but DALTON turns and the 
sledge smashes a vending machine instead. Everyone spins* 

DALTON: What the hell was that? 

ZAIA: It exploded! 

CYRAN: Did you see, Kuj? 

KUJA: *disoriented from the quick spin* Mmrf? 

CYRAN: Hey, how did this rip get here? 

*KUJA shakes his head to recover, then clocks CYRAN on the jaw and knocks 
him over* 

CYRAN: Asshole! 

KUJA: Mmph mmrf! 

DALTON: All right, I'll let you out. 

*he unties KUJA, who promptly whacks CYRAN a second time* 

DALTON: Stop that, dammit! Strav, help me out here! 

STRAVO: Don't ever...wanna...see more stairs...as long...as I live. 

DALTON: You're so useless. 

ZAIA: I want a vacation. 

*a rumble* 

LT: Watch out! 

*the building suddenly shakes. GODZILLA roars* 

LT: Vacation later! Kick ass now! 

*everyone charges down the hall, except STRAVO, who staggers* 

KUJA: Cyran? 

CYRAN: Yeah? 

KUJA: Better get that gun ready. 

CYRAN: Shouldn't I get to the front of the group first? 

KUJA: No. 

CYRAN: But then I'll- 

KUJA: Exactly. 

CYRAN: But- 

KUJA: Just do it and maybe I'll stop hitting you and MAYBE I'll think about 
giving you a ride home. 

CYRAN: Yes, sahib.


 Part 40: Some Folks Are Just Unlucky 


*gunfire erupts from a doorway* 

DALTON: I think we found our aliens! 

ZAIA: What was your first clue?! 

KUJA: Cyran! Get the gun ready! 

*CYRAN grunts and begins attempting to lift the Space Marine bolter* 

STRAVO: So, how do we get in there? 

DALTON: I don't know! 

LT: We need to distract them for a couple seconds! 

*a badly burned SINGULAR QUARTET limps around the corner* 

QUARTET: Jesus. When I get my paws on those two- 

LT: BINGO! 

*HIT-MAN grabs QUARTET and hurls him through the doorway. The gunfire 
ceases for a moment, then resumes, along with a hideous yowl* 

LT: Shit, we waited too long! 

STRAVO: Give us some warning next time! 

ZAIA: Cyran, are you okay? 

*CYRAN is hunched over, huffing and puffing. The bolter remains on the 
floor* 

DALTON: What's the matter with you? 

CYRAN: Can't...lift...gun... 

DALTON: Oh, come on, it's easy! Watch. 

*DALTON hefts the bolter with one hand* 

DALTON: See? 

*he hands the bolter back to CYRAN, who promptly collapses* 

LT: Hey, there's someone at the end of the hall! 

DARK HELLION: God I'm bored. 

LT: Hey you! 

HELLION: Huh? 

LT: Can you do me a favor? 

HELLION: *brightly* Sure thing! 

LT: Throw yourself through that door! 

HELLION: You got it! 

*he leaps into the door way and is promptly cut to shreds* 

LT: Dammit, we waited too long again! 

VOICE: Crap, we both ran out of ammo at the same time! 

ZAIA: Go, go! 

*everyone chargers through the door except CYRAN, who's still pinned by the 
gun* 

DALTON: Oh, for- 

*he comes back out, picks up CYRAN and the gun, and runs back in. CUT TO: 
the room as the group overwhelms two guys in snazzy suits. ROB aims CYRAN 
at another group of guys and pulls on his arm to get him to fire. The 
bolter wipes out the entire knot* 

KUJA: Is that all of them? 

ZAIA: Looks like it. 

FGALKIN: Look what you've done! 

STRAVO: Huh? 

FGALKIN: You just wiped out my bodyguards! 

LT: Wait a sec. You mean to tell me we just wasted all that time and a pair 
of possibly needed shields to attack a Russian Mafia outpost? 

FGALKIN: Well, more or less. 

DALTON: Shit, I thought these guys were the aliens! 

ZAIA: Why'd you open fire on us? 

FGALKIN: We thought you were the INS. Most of us don't have green cards. 

KUJA: *sigh* 

LT: So, where are the space aliens? 

FGALKIN: You mean the bunch with the robot dinosaur? 

LT: Yeah. 

FGALKIN: They're- 

KUJA: Wait a second. 

FGALKIN: What? 

KUJA: Did you just say robot dinosaur? 

FGALKIN: Uh, yeah. What about it? 

*CUT TO: The outside of the building, looking up. FGALKIN'S head suddenly 
bursts through the glass of a window* 

KUJA: IT'S MECHAGODZILLA! SAY IT! 

FGALKIN: MECHAGODZILLA! MECHAGODZILLA! 

KUJA: I CAN'T HEAR YOU, RUSKIE! 

FGALKIN: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, MECHAGODZILLA! 

*CUT TO: inside* 

CYRAN: That'll teach you to act stupid in front of a rabid Godzilla fan. 

*cut back* 

KUJA: Now where's the space aliens? 

FGALKIN: ROOM 316! AT THE END OF THE HALL! 

KUJA: You can stop screaming now. 

FGALKIN: Oh, okay. Does that mean I'm forgiven? 

KUJA: Nope. 

*KUJA throws FGALKIN out the window and he promptly plummets forty stories 
down* 

*cut back inside* 

ZAIA: You know, I think I've run out of energy to be horrified by the 
things you do. 

KUJA: Good thing. That'll save me some scars.


 Part 41: The Godzilla Revolutions 



*OPEN UP on New York City. GODZILLA and MECHAGODZILLA can be seen among the 
buildings. Black clouds roll in from the horizon. Lightning flashes. 
Thunder rumbles. CUT TO: inside the building where the group is. KUJA and 
CYRAN suddenly stop walking and look down. The others turn to look at them* 

ZAIA: What is it? 

BOTH: ... 

DALTON: Hello? 

BOTH: ... 

LT: Christ, like we need another hitch. What gives? 

*both slowly look up* 

BOTH: I've got a bad feeling about this. 

*the others recoil* 

STRAVO: Two people saying it at once? 

DALTON: Not a good sign. NOT a good sign. 

ZAIA: What is it? What do you have a bad feeling about? 

BOTH: I don't know. 

*they both walk to the window and look out* 

BOTH: Something bad is about to happen. 

STRAVO: Isn't extra freaky the way they speak together like that? 

ZAIA: Yeah. 

BOTH: I think this is the end. 

ZAIA: Will one of...both of you please tell me what the hell is going on? 

BOTH: Watch. 

*rain begins to pour down from the sky. GODZILLA and MECHAGODZILLA stare 
each other down. GODZILLA finally lets out an earth-shattering roar. As 
thunder crashes, he charges. MECHAGODZILLA, takes a step back and strikes 
GODZILLA in the back of the head just before they collide. GODZILLA tucks 
in and turns the fall into a forward roll. MECHAGODZILLA charges after him, 
but GODZILLA stands and spins just in time to block a hammer punch. Time 
suddenly slows as GODZILLA delivers a crushing blow to MECHAGODZILLA'S 
midsection. MECHAGODZILLA goes flying back, but does a flip in midair and 
lands on his feet. GODZILLA stands with his flank to his opponent with one 
hand forward, palm up. He makes a 'come and get me' gesture* 

STRAVO: Matrix Godzilla. Now I've seen everything. 

*MECHAGODZILLA leaps and flies forward, crashing into GODZILLA. GODZILLA 
falls, but uses his tail as a spring and launches them both into the air. 
They continue to trade blows as they both land on their feet. Epic choral 
music begins to emanate from somewhere* 

ZAIA: Who's going to win? 

DALTON: Come on, Godzilla always wins! Right, Kuja? Er&right, Cyran-Kuja? 

BOTH: It's his final battle. 

OTHERS: What?! 

*GODZILLA hits MECHAGODZILLA with a one-two combination. MECHAGODZILLA 
drops and spins, but GODZILLA leaps over his tail, his own whipping through 
the air. They return to standing positions and resume beating the hell out 
of each other* 

LT: Whaddaya mean? 

BOTH: Godzilla can't win. He's dying. 

STRAVO: Again? 

BOTH: Watch. 

*GODZILLA and MECHAGODZILLA lock up. GODZILLA uses his tail to sweep 
MECHAGODZILLA off his feet. MECHAGODZILLA falls, but curls and kicks 
GODZILLA in the head. GODZILLA winces, but then throws MECHAGODZILLA down 
the street. He starts to stomp after him, but suddenly stops and looks at 
his hands. They begin to glow a bright red* 

BOTH: There it is. 

ZAIA: What? There what is? 

BOTH: The chain reaction. It's unstoppable. Godzilla's going to melt down. 

STRAVO: But didn't he do that already? 

BOTH: Different Godzilla. 

STRAVO: Damn it, there's too many to keep track of. 

*beams of bright red light begin erupting from GODZILLA'S body. The choral 
music gets louder. He suddenly looks up and charges MECHAGODZILLA, grabbing 
him around the neck. He then crouches. A massive ripple appears in the 
ground and GODZILLA launches both himself and MECHAGODZILLA skyward* 

BOTH: He's going to take Mechagodzilla with him. 

LT: Will you two PLEASE stop that?! 

*GODZILLA and MECHAGODZILLA punch through the cloud cover* 

DALTON: Now what? 

*KUJA and CYRAN pull their hats down* 

BOTH: Cover your eyes. 

*the entire group does so as a massive explosion erupts in the sky above 
Manhattan. The clouds are blown away to reveal a bright source of light* 

ZAIA: Did he get him? 

STRAVO: Can't tell! 

*the light fades, revealing a somewhat scorched but otherwise unharmed 
MECHAGODZILLA floating to the ground* 

LT: Well, shit. 

STRAVO: I can't believe it. Godzilla gone. And for nothing. 

BOTH: Don't worry. There will always be another Godzilla. 

*CUT TO: a distant island. A strange-looking lizard raises its head and 
lets out a feeble cry. Then it gets eaten by the next GODZILLA* 

ZAIA: But what are we supposed to do now? 

BOTH: We're going to kill the people controlling Mechagodzilla. 

LT: Works for me. 

*fade out* 

CYRAN: Hey, wait a minute! 

*fade in* 

CYRAN: Why did we spend the entire freaking chapter talking like Mothra's 
tiny priestesses? 

KUJA: Got me. Must be a plot device. 

CYRAN: Sheesh. Pretty useless one if you ask me. 

KUJA: Well, I didn't. So shut up. 

*fade out*


 Part42A: Storming the Assault! Or is it Assaulting the Storm? Whichever! 


*open up on the group standing outside a door* 

KUJA: So, is this the right one? 

DALTON: Gee, I don't know. Maybe you should go back and ask Fgalkin. Oh, 
that's right, you killed him. Dumbass. 

*silence* 

KUJA: I sense anger. 

ZAIA: And perceptive, too. 

KUJA: Aw, thanks! 

CYRAN: That was sarcasm. 

KUJA: Bullshit. 

CYRAN: *sigh* 

LT: So are we gonna knock this door down and turn the place into an inferno 
or are we just gonna stand here all day and bash Kuja? 

KUJA: Hey- 

CYRAN: I'm always up for a little Kuja-bashing. 

KUJA: Hey! 

ZAIA: As much as a round of Kuja-bashing tempts me- 

KUJA: HEY! 

ZAIA: -I want to get this over with. 

*HIT-MAN whips out a rocket launcher* 

LT: Let's do it! 

*STRAVO steps forward and knocks politely* 

LT: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! 

STRAVO: If a bunch of guys were ready do break down your door and storm 
your apartment, do you think they would knock first? 

LT: Uh... 

STRAVO: Precisely. 

*the door opens* 

MAN: Um, can I help you? 

STRAVO: Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist 
Party? 

MAN: Huh? 

VOICE: Hoo-mans! 

STRAVO: Fuck. 

LT: KILL! 

*everybody pulls out some type of rifle and begins shooting. The group 
forces their way inside and dives behind a big couch as human-looking 
aliens unload a volley of lead* 

ZAIA: Great! Now what's the plan? 

LT: Plan? 

DALTON: We've got a plan? 

ZAIA: Why didn't I see that coming? 

KUJA: Relax. I've got a plan. 

OTHERS: NO! 

KUJA: No, really. It's not 'blow up every fucking thing I see' this time. 

STRAVO: Well, go on then! 

CYRAN: So what's this plan? 

KUJA: Cyran, you know what the difference between a hero and a corpse is? 

CYRAN: Luck? 

STRAVO: Fate? 

DALTON: Skill? 

*KUJA unsheathes a pair of shotguns* 

KUJA: The hero's a bigger idiot. 

*he stands and unloads*


 Part42B: The Solution 


*open up on KUJA marching down a hallway, firing his shotguns into anything 
that moves. The rest of the group follows* 

ZAIA: This is his plan? Shoot everyone before they shoot him? 

DALTON: It seems to be working so far. 

*KUJA reaches a door and cautiously opens it. A sudden volley of lead comes 
pouring out, and he ducks aside. He tries again, and another volley comes 
out. He sheathes his shotguns and walks back to the group* 

CYRAN: Now what? 

KUJA: Give me your bag. 

*KUJA rummages through the bag for a moment, then pulls out a long string 
of plastic explosives* 

STRAVO: What are you- 

*he trails off as KUJA begins wrapping the explosives around himself* 

ZAIA: What are you, nuts? 

KUJA: Just taking a page from the boys in PLO. 

ZAIA: But THEY'RE nuts! 

KUJA: Can't argue with that. 

*HIT-MAN nods solemnly* 

ZAIA: Don't encourage him! 

KUJA: Z, sometimes a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do. This…is probably 
not one of those times. 

CYRAN: Then why the hell- 

KUJA: Sh, kid. Maybe someday, when you're a little older, you'll 
understand. 

*he ruffles CYRAN'S hair* 

CYRAN: Kuja, you're not even three years older than me. 

DALTON: Kuj, you can't die. Who's going to ghost-write the GSDAs to get me 
out of hot water? 

KUJA: That was Chuck. 

DALTON: Oh, right. Never mind then. 

STRAVO: Man, it's going to be lonely being the only guy with the hordes of 
fanfic lovers screaming after him. 

KUJA: I'm sure you'll handle it somehow. 

*a macho handshake* 

KUJA: El Tee...torture a world to death for me, will ya? 

LT: I'll make em wish their grandmas were never born! 

KUJA: That's my Hit-Man. 

ZAIA: Kuja... 

KUJA: Zaia, one last thing? 

ZAIA: What? 

*he grabs her and plants one right on her lips* 

ZAIA: You pervert. 

KUJA: Damn right! 

*he takes off running. CUT TO: the next room. Over a dozen men hold assault 
rifles on the door* 

KUJA: Jesus loves you! Therefore, he shall smite you down! ALLAH ACKBAR! 

MAN: Wha- 

*KUJA bursts in* 

KUJA: I DON'T REGRET A WHOLE LOT! 

*he sets off the explosives. CUT TO: outside the building. The explosion 
erupts through the windows and debris begins falling towards the street, as 
well as aliens* 

CAPTAIN: MECHAGODZILLA! HELP ME! 

*MECHAGODZILLA makes a dive for the CAPTAIN, arm outstretched. 
Miraculously, he gets his hand under the falling CAPTAIN. Unfortunately, 
steel's not much softer than blacktop. With his controls gone, 
MECHAGODZILLA stands there like a dumbass. CUT TO: the room. The group 
bursts in* 

ZAIA: Kuja! 

CYRAN: Kuj? 

*a scorched Black Mage hat slowly floats down from the ceiling into ZAIA'S 
arms* 

ZAIA: Oh Kuja...oh Kuja, why? WHY?! 

DALTON: Zaia? 

ZAIA: What? 

DALTON: 42. 

ZAIA: Forty-two? 

STRAVO: Yeah, Z. 42. 

ZAIA: I don't- 

LT: *solemnly* 42, Zaia. 42. 

ZAIA: But- 

CYRAN: Just 42, Zaia. It'll be alright. 

ZAIA: Thanks, guys.