Subject: Re: Empire vs. Federation (A Variation) Date: Tue, 06 Jun 2000 20:41:31 -0700 From: Guardian2000 Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars > >> > 1 Lancer = 1 Defiant >> > > >My 1962 Lancer with the 225 slant 6 and pushbutton trans mops >up all over the Defiant. No exploding dashboards either, just a nice tank- >sounding exhaust. Well, since you referred to your automobile, I shall refer to mine. My secondary vehicle is a 1989 Plymouth Sundance, where all dorsal surfaces are covered in rust. Lateral surfaces are losing paint rapidly. However, the remaining shades of blue allow the vehicle to retain its name, the "Smurf Turd" (small blue piece of shit!). However, due to the fact that the vehicle, though every major and minor system is broken or semi-broken in some way, refuses to die, a friend of mine has labelled it "The Defiant". (Just for kicks, a short list of the mechanical systems that are nonfunctional or semifunctional: Cylinders 2, 3, and 4 (also known as "Snap, Crackle, and Pop") Transmission, second gear and overdrive. You know that "Yowmp!" sound when you kill something in Quake? My transmission makes that noise. Let's not forget the terrible shudder as it tries to shift into second . . . All gaskets leak. All of them. Also, the oil pressure sensor has a port into the engine to take readings. However, this sensor is wildly inaccurate, due to the fact that oil pours out from around it whenever I decide to put oil in the vehicle. The shock absorbers do not. Neither do the springs. Power steering pump leaks fluid as fast as its poured in, though getting it wet does allow the power steering system to function, albeit with a breathy howling noise. The brakes are at 40 percent, maybe. The rear brakes are nonfunctional. All speakers blown. Vehicle makes a noise akin to massive flatulence at speeds in excess of 25 mph. Source unknown. I did recently replace all of the external lights in order to be able to get a new inspection sticker, necessary since the old one was two and a half years out of date. Prior to that, it had one headlight, one forward turn signal, and one tailight that did not brighten when the vehicle was braking. However, the reverse lights were functional. The headliner is only anchored at the windshield, the dome light, and above the rear windshield. No hairstyle can survive a trip in the Defiant. The carpet has a peculiar color scheme, which it acquired after a severe rain (and rolled-down windows) caused the passenger compartment to flood to a level of six inches. Due to the long period of time it was parked under a tree (until my primary vehicle failed recently), it has been undergoing a slow repainting with birdshit.) I do agree, most whole-heartedly, that your Lancer could defeat my Defiant, in this one case. ********* "My car actually grew a good deal of mold on the interior one summer." Oh, I had thriving ecosystems on and in my vehicle, though I have been environmentally unfriendly lately: It was once the location of an ant colony, though they finally moved away when they realized that, while a mobile home base had certain advantages, it was outweighed by other factors. Several spiders apparently call the vehicle home. When bleeding the brakes recently to restore the Smurf Turd to marginally safe mobility, I found a number of spider webs at various points along the undercarriage of the vehicle, and on the radio antenna and luggage rack. However, I presume that they have left. The last time I saw any evidence of spiders was yesterday, when a lone spider appeared to be huddling in fear in my backseat as the vehicle shuddered and shimmeyed its way back to my apartment. Because I often leave my windows down, mosquitoes often inhabit the vehicle at night. Also, the local stray cats (which seem to have migrated from the nearby campus) have been observed leaving the vehicle in the morning. Fortunately, they seem not to have left me any little brown presents, though I did think I caught an odor of cat piss at some point. However, that could have been the odor from any of the other odd-smelling organisms in the vehicle. The floorboard upholstery at the back seats appears to harbor some peculiar lifeform that eats paper. I say this because of the green color of the (originally) grey carpet, and the fact that a nearby phonebook is apparently being consumed by the greenish whatever. Several sorts of semi-viscous goo, presumably alive, have assumed command of the area beneath my cupholders, the area within my ashtray, the area of the little change slot, et cetera. They are growing. When the vehicle was immobilized, flies were observed exiting the tailpipe. I do not know, and probably do not want to know, what the flies were doing up there, or what they'd found that they considered so appealing. Something lived and died in an open and mostly empty Coca-Cola bottle that was lying on the backseat. I say its dead because the remaining liquid is gone and the peculiar whatever that inhabited the bottle is an odd white color, and the structure of it appears to be collapsing in on itself. The wooden stick I use to hold up the tailgate when open appears to have some sort of lifeform growing on it, and may have termites. When I was changing out the tail lights, I observed that there was a rather large wasp nest located within a gap between the seam of the rear fender and the tail light. I counted four wasps present, and I presume they are still there. Between the funky outward appearance of the vehicle (rust, exposed primer, melting clearcoat) and the wasps, I figure my vehicle has one of the greatest theft-deterrent systems money cannot buy.